"ASPEN: God Please let me car start" part 23

Well hello again everyone. Sorry I've been absent of late, but I've been busy. A few of you let it be known that it is difficult to find the start of this story. So if you click on the title it will take you to the very beginning of this part of my life history. And with that I will begin.

Part 23

Well for some time since my arrival in Aspen I became part of this weekly Monopoly game held at an Aussie buddy of mines cabin named "Geoff". Geoff's little cabin was these pretty shabby brown log shacks 2 doors over from the St Moritz hostel. Cabin came complete with towels under the door and around each window to stop the drafts from coming in. And Geoff's girlfriend "Karen" never stopped complaining about it. Actually we believed that complaining was Karen's main mission in life. We couldn't figure out why Geoff let her live there. But Geoff said it best.

Geoff: Well mate I went without my turn for two season in a row here. She may be a pain, but she has a heartbeat.

Ahh the male skibum saga. We will put up with anything from a women just to keep steady sex around while it lasts. LOL So anyway on this Monopoly night we had basically the standard crew. Clay, Sherri, Hal, Geoff's bitchy girlfriend, Geoff and moi. I always took the top hat. Loved that little piece and had great luck with it.

Now our games would start at 6:30 and end at 9pm sharp each friday because we headed out to the Paradise bar afterwards because I would get them in for free with free beer. For our weekly game we had the standard food and beaverages. 5 Tony's frozen pizza's, a case of "Shafer" very cheap piss water beer, this gigantic bong of Geoff's called the punisher, with a bowl the size of a teacup always packed to the brim with weed. Needless to say that it wasn't very often that we completed a game sober. Most often I won actually. I had an undefeated streak of 5 games in a row once. Sherri was the worst player of the bunch. She would be bankrupt within an hour usually. Mostly because that bong always seemed to stay way to close to her. By the time the night was over she was speaking like some 60 year old aunt from Brooklyn that smokes 2 packs of lucky strikes a day.

So the game plays on and it is down to Geoff and I as usual. Sherri left with Hal about 10 minutes after she went bankrupt. That's when I found out from Clay that Hal and Sherri decided it was each others turn about 4 days ago. I wondered what friggen took so long. I knew those sex monkeys were hot for each other for about 3 weeks now. Funny thing was Sherri was like a sister to me. We had great conversations about sex. Sherri liked handcuffs, but not to be used on her if you know what I mean. They were for you. She was the bloody energizer bunny on top with you locked down in her cuffs. Sherri will keep going, and going, and going, and going. Bwahahahahahahaha

So finally Geoff landed on my monoply properties of Illinois, Kentucky, and Indiana with hotels on on each. He was done for. So we were getting ready to leave when I noticed this snowboard behind his door. It was a Burton snowboard about 180cm in length. Nose came to a point and the tail was a split design. It had the basic bindings close to what is used today, but you had to wear your Sorel winter boots back then because snowboard boots weren't invented yet. And those Sorel winter boots didn't offer alot of support either.

So Geoff was telling me about his Sorel boot problems. I suggested he cut some of the cuffs out of an old pair of Raichle boots and attach it to the outside of his boots. Easy enough for Geoff to do since he worked at Cristy Sports part time. Anyway Geoff said he was going to Aspen Highlands the next day to ride it. Asked if I would come along. I couldn't wait to go and give it a try. Geoff wore the same size shoe as I did so we both used his sorels and switched out midway through the day. Besides as a kid I had this kind of snowboard with a rope that you hung onto to so you could stear the darn thing. It was pretty rad for little old Defiance, Ohio at old man "Bookmasters" hill. Should be just as easy to ride Geoff's board as when I was a kid right? NOT!

The day started off not the greatest. I sat at Geoff's apt for 30 minutes inside while Karen did nothing but gripe and complain at Geoff. Over little stupid crazy things. Karen was litterly there yelling at the poor guy because he didn't fold his towel to her liking after he took his shower an hour earlier.

Karen: Geoff how many times do I have to tell you. When you are done using your towel you are to fold it and put it back on the shelf.

Geoff: Oh righty. Fold a towel that is bleeding soaking wet so it can't dry and then get's all moldy. Maybe that is why your brain is mush. It's because you got wet towel fungus clogging that spider web up there.

Well after watching that entertainment for an eternity Geoff and I get in my trusty ford escort and head to highlands. Geoff looked like he was ready to bite a bullet. You could see his jaw muscles just tighten as the seconds ticked by.

Me: Woe Goeff man no women is worth that. Getting psyco over towels. Is the sex so good to put up with that. She doesn't even help you pay for rent or food. Seriously man I would rather die of hand cramps from wacking off to much than deal with that. I'm sorry man, but I've been sitting by long enough. You need to get rid of that pain.

Then Karen came back out and started in on him again, before she left to go to wherever in the hell she went to each day. Nobody really knew. Found out later she was a mule for the City Managers cocaine operation. She would fly to Denver everyday and then fly back again doing a pickup. That's how she made her money. Geoff didnt' even know. And she made more money than all of use put together and she was mooching off of Geoff. Poor guy!

So Karen left and we pulled into Highlands 5 minutes later. About 8" of fresh had fallen up top. We didn't worry about going OB. We were both about to get slaughtered riding this Burton board for the first time in our lives. Maybe the last time in our lives for that matter. My money would be on last time in our lives of doing anything.

Now back then Highlands was the locals mtn. Skico didn't own it yet. No highspeed quads. Just old slow chairs to the best skiing in Aspen. And the mtn was empty since it was only maybe 5F outside with light winds and falling snow. Weather like that chases the tourists off of the mtn. My favorite days of skiing are those days.

So basicall was stayed on the blue runs off of what is now the Cloud Nine Express quad. Fun cruisers, and with the fresh snow it was great. Only problem was I was skiing and having to stop and wait for Geoff to collect himself. And Geoff was collecting himself alot. You know the movie called "SNO-WHAT" with Glen Plake. Well there is this one segment with a snowboarder that is crashing and burning everwhere called "Cookie McSwede". Well Goeff was doing his best to become Cookie that day. But more like Cookie Monster than anything else in his attempts for the first few runs atleast.

Funny thing though after about 3 runs Geoff was doing really well. So well he was almost keeping up with me. Noticed I typed "almost keeping up with me". We were actually gasing some laps off the chair at a pretty good clip. So now it was my turn to learn to snowboard from the school of crash and burn. So back down to the parking lot we go.

Geoff switched into his skis and boots. I put on what were now Geoff's extremely wet, sweaty, smelly, and friggen cold Sorel snowboots with skiboot parts ducttaped to the outside for support. A frozen popcycle feet site I was riding the chairlift up. Then falling when getting off of the chairlift. And then repeating 2 more times of falling off of chairlifts when unloading before we got to the gun barrel trail.

So Geoff gives me his expert advise on what he learned about not crashing and dying on this thing. So off I go. And promptly fell before even traveling 5 friggen feet. Oh Joy! It's going to be a great afternoon for me. So I get up again and fall again, and again, and again, and again. "Enough already God this isn't funny anymore"

So after a few runs I'm getting the hang of it and having a good time. So Geoff and I decide to take a break and smoke a joint. About half way into our joint in the trees off of Grand Prix I start telling Geoff about my favorite Disney movie. I know what you are thinking: "TJ why are you thinking about a Disney movie here?"

You see the movie was called "Snowball Express". It is the story about this family man who inherits this little ski lodge and hill. Drags his family there to turn it around. Poor schmuck ends up skiing with this banker fella to try and get a loan. Problem though. He has never skied before in his life. He ends up skiing the entire way down in the most hysterical switch stunt skiing sequence I've ever seen. So I explained to Geoff about this and we had a good laugh.

Just then the sun came out a bit and we headed off for one more run. Problem though. About 3 turns into the run I hit some chop and it spun me around hard. So hard and fast is spun me around that I'm now riding backwards going about 30mph with no way to stop going right towards the trees next to Willys. Yep I think I'm going to get "Snowball Expressed" bigtime!

to be cont

"ASPEN: God please let my car start" part 22

"there has to be a lesson in this story somewhere!"-me

Damn life had been so peaceful since I got out of Tammy's car that day and didn't look back. So why this "shovel upside of the head note from her on my appartment door". I bet I stood infront of my appartment door for almost 20 minutes in disbelief at what I was reading.

"TJ-I need to meet with you. I'm late!"

What the hell? I'm late? What the fuck does I'm late mean. Shit dumbass I'm late means she is saying she is preggers. You knocked up the wicked witch of Texas you dipshit "Mr Have Johnson Will Travel". Wait a minute. Think damnit. Be yourself. Slow it down. It's her new game. Her new trap, because she can't take rejection. You watched her take her birth control pills. Atleast that is what she told you when she took them infront of you. OK, now relax man. Tammy plays games bigtime. Don't get emotional about this. Just think.

Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sat there in my little apt on West Hopkins St all night long thinking this out. I never dialed the number left on the note to call her. I half expected Tammy to send in some "Rich Daddy's Little Princess SWAT" team to break down my appartment door at any moment to drag me away. Forcing me into a life of torment as her trained DONG!

No this cannot be happening. How am I going to figure this out? So after many bongs, while sitting up all night long thinking about the situation I came to a conclusion about the matter. Yes I know what you are thinking. How can a person obviously stressed over the situation possibly think clearly after being sleep deprived from the stress and stoned out of his mind? Some how I did come a rational outline to tackle this current life Aspen soap opera problem of mine.

1. Tammy is not preggers. She hates kids period. She would pay someone to have her baby to avoid stretchmarks and the pain. Motherhood was what nannies were paid for in her family.

2. Tammy is back in town and wants to play. That is what this is all about. She's always had queens pick around here. My dumping her was an embarrasment to her. She was all about controll. This is a pride issue.

3. Screw Tammy. I'm a better poker player. After work I'm calling the number and calling her bluff.

So at 5am I put my running shoes on with 2 pairs of sweatpants and 4 sweatshirts and went for a run. I always think better when I run, and work was going to be in an hour and a half. I needed to be clear minded driving the sled for patrol. Peoples safety depended upon me being a professional. Oddly when I got done running and out of the shower I felt like I just woke up from a solid 10 hours of sleep. Clear minded, focused and ready to take on anything.

I got to work and went through the daily prep, procedure outlines, and missions of the day. Then off to work I go. And it was boring as hell. Really slow. It hadn't snowed in 5 days, but with moderate high winds though causing lifts slowdowns. I just sat in the Patrol HQ on top of Ajax waiting for some rich person to freak out and be driven down the hill. Then the call came across the radio from the Gondola.

"Patrol HQ, this is Ed over at the Gondola. Could you pick up the phone we have a delicate matter here".

The phone rang and Annie answered it. Then Annie started blushing bright red. She hung up the phone and gave me some instructions.

Annie: TJ go and grab that hot water bottle for me with the enema tube and fill it with hot water. And grab about 6 blankets. We need to calmly walk over to the Gondola. It is no rush. But we need to get their quickly.

So I quickly did what Annie asked of me. Annie worked the radio for Tim to get to the Gondola as well. We walked quickly to the Gondola, and when we got to the gondola I understood right away what was going on. Ed already had the Gondola car pulled off the rails and over to the side sheilded from public view somewhat. Ice, Teresa, and a couple of other gondola crew members were shielding the gondola with blankets. There was a man very embarrassingly telling Tim what had happened. I saw why they wanted to keep it off of the radio. Because if it did get broadcasted every Ajax employee would be parked at the Gondola to watch the "America's Funniest Home Video" moment.

You see it was cold with high winds. When this happens the Gondola runs on slow. A 13 minute ride to the top of Ajax becomes a 20 minute ride and sometimes wth long stops inbetween. The mtn was pretty empty that day and this couple was on their honeymoon from Florida. After a few times of riding the Gondola this day to avoid the cold and high winds from the chairs, they decided to do the "Squirel" (hotdog the movie moment) on the Gondola. Problem though. You see in the SilverQueen Gondola the car is spit in the middle. Room for 3 people sitting on each side of the middle partition. Not ideal for getting laid actually. You cannot stretch out. Modifide doggy is the only true option. Don't ask me how I know LOL

Well the bride didn't want to do the modifide doggy position evidently and preferred the missionary position for their "Gondola Honeymoon Sex Pleasure" in Aspen adventure. But the missionary position hurt her kneck on the bar splitting the cabin. So she took the pad off the seat she was laying on exposing bare metal, to put behind her back for more comfort for their Ajax sex extravaganza. They had their fun and finnished rather quickly from the husbands story. This is where the fun begins though folks.

"WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT MOIST SKIN ON FROZEN SURFACES IN 13F DEGREE WEATHER?"

Well I'll tell you what happens. It's the tongue on the frozen car door effect. The brides ass froze to the metal seat she was on from all the wet love ooze they generated. Hubby was able to break free evidently. Wifey's situation was a bit more delicate needless to say. So Annie went in and did what she had to do. The poor bride came outside not 3 minutes later and promptly stated: "OK Dear I'm ready to go skiing now"


We all just let out a roar of laughter at that. We watched them embrace and possibly give the most romatic kiss I've ever seen. We all applauded, and watched them ski away. And they were not a young newlywed couple. Infact I'm quite sure both are called "Gramma and Grampa" by someone. God I pray I find a love like that someday!


Well that was a nice distraction for all about an hour. Because as soon as I turned around there was Tammy. I didn't need to wait till later to call that number. I had rehearsed what I was going to say to her a 1000 times it seems during my early morning run in the snow. It was simple. Yet there she was. So smug she was smiling at me. Tammy looked like a tigress that had her prey trapped in her den. Savoring her kills soon to be death. But I wasn't going to let that happen. I wasn't going to be her kill. I remembered who I was.

I remembered what my grandfather taught me, and embedded into me in our yearly birthday conversations. Grampa every year on my birthday would put this 1776 Continental Congress dollar coin in my hand and ask me: "TJ what have you learned this past year".

Hell of a question to start asking a 3 year old boy every year on his birthday. That's when our annual special conversations started. He would never let me give a cheap answer either. He never wanted to know what I learned about in school, current events, history, tv, my friends even. He wanted to know what I learned about life, because he felt that is your greatest education. At first I got frustrated and angry as a kid with this question, but as I got older I completely understood what my Gramps was teaching me. Those conversations are so precious to me. Lets just say my Christmas day present came every year on September 2nd because that was my birthday. That was the day I would have that special conversation with my grandfather, where he would put the coin in my hand and ask me: "TJ what have you learned this past year". And I would tell him what I learned. He would finish our conversation with asking me two simple yet complicated at the same time questions.

Grampa: TJ what are the cornerstones of being a man?

Me: Honor, Duty, Faith, and Chivalry Grampa.

Grampa: What's the secret place in a mans heart TJ?

Me: The place where he always stays a true boy Grampa.

So I remembered that as I spoke to Tammy. My words were short and to the point. She didn't speak at first. She was shocked actually.

Me: OK. Let's get to the point. I want to see the test from the doctor saying the rabbit died. If you are pregnant I will help you though it. My blood type is A-negative. When the baby is born if the blood test proves it is mine I will be the greatest father in the world to the child and never leave it's side. If the child is not mine I will still be your friend and help you the best I can. But either way I will not be the man in your life.


Tammy: TJ I'm not pregnant.

Me: Yes I know. Goodbye!

End of part 22

"ASPEN: God please let my car start" part 21

Well Clay showed up at my apt door not two seconds after Trisha had left. Frankly I was mad at him because he had to know Trisha was engaged. After all she did ask him to get her hooked up with a good looking skibum while she was here.

Clay: Teej man I am sorry. I had no idea she was engaged. She never told me or Steph. She told me she was single and wanted to meet a cute guy. So of course I introduced her to you. I'm sorry man. I had no idea.

Me: No idea at all eh? Come on Clay you have known her for a long time now and she is friends with Stephanie. How could you not know. I feel horrible about this. The look on the poor guys face was one of his entire heart getting shattered and then stepped on all over the sidewalk.

Clay: I know. He was waiting in the apt when we got up there. George let him in. It was very tense. Trisha immediately stated that it was just a fling before the wedding to him. I didn't buy it.

Me: Well we will never know for sure. But if I was that guy I would end it. You cannot start a marriage with infidelity before you even walk down the isle, or you will most certainly end up in divorce court.

Clay: Well I was hoping she wouldn't be coming up, and saying she was downstairs with you. The guy had her stuff already packed when she came upstairs. Like I said Teej it was ugly from the start.

Me: Well man what are you going to do. I didn't do anything wrong, but I still feel horrible. But hey lets go get something to eat and see what is going on in town because I'm certainly not going to sleep now.

With that we walked out of my appartment on West Hopkins St and headed into town. The skies cleared out and it was royally "Witch's tit on brass" cold outside. Hell my nostrils froze together on the walk to the Paragon for some Thai food it was so cold. Yes I know we were going to eat Mexican not Thai food, but we saw Trisha and her fiance or not her fiance standing in the door way waiting to be seated at "la Cantina" so we went to the Paragon instead. And the Thai food there was pretty good back then.

So later on Clay went over to Stephanies to tell her what had happened. I went to the Paradise to get drunk, and I very much proceded to get drunk. The Paradise wasn't that busy, which was fine with me. I really wasn't looking for company. I just wanted to get numb and get that poor guys face out of my head. The tequila wasn't working to good in forgetting his face, but I was most certainly drunk with my inhabitions going right out the door.

I became my alter ego named "Disco Steve". Yes that is right I became a dancing fool. Actually I'm a very damn good dancer. I have rythmic hips. But dancing fool I was non the less. I was dancing with any women that would have me. Didn't care what shape or size these women were. I was just wanting to dance. And since most guys won't dance I had many dance partners just lining up to take a turn on the floor with "Disco Steve".

The night wore on. There was this one women on a date that kept pinching my butt on the dance floor. Being what had just happened with Trisha there was no way in hell I was even going to pay any attention to my ass pincher women. But man my ass was getting sore from it being pinched so hard. So I moved myself and the dancing partner I had to the other end of the dance floor. Pinching girl followed. I was then thinking that God truly does have a very silly sense of humor.


Well "last call" got yelled out. I went to go to the bathroom before going home alone. I got out of the bathroom and pinching girl was there. She will now be known as "PG" for purpose of the dialoge.


PG: You dance really well and have a nice butt.

Me: And you are on a date with another guy.

PG: No he is just with the ski group from San Diego I came here with. I'm in room 115 at the Grand Aspen. Give me 15 minutes.


So I went and talked to pretty boy Tim and his "prettyboyette" cardboard bouncers for a bit to think this over. Then the Tequila really kicked in. So why the hell not go to room 115 at the Grand Aspen. So off to the Grand Aspen I walk.

Problem though once I got to the hotel. They had done some renovation and all the room number signs that direct you down the hallways to your room were gone. So I was left wondering around the halls trying to find room 115. You would think it would be on the first floor right. WRONG.

Room 115 was no where to be found. I spent 30 minutes trying to find it before I finally did. It was on the second floor of anex one. I knocked and PG girl answered. She wondered what took me so long. Then she grabbed me and we started kissing. Unfortunately we didn't hear a key going into the door. It was her girlfriend from San Diego she was sharing the room with. And as soon as her girlfriend came into the room the horny little PG girl changed her tune, and I went out the door.


On that long walk home in that bitter cold all I was thinking was this: "very funny God. You got me but good on that one. I learned my lesson. I'll slow down".


End of part 21

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part 20

Well Trisha sashaye'd into my apt and man she did ever have fantastic forever legs. She had on these blue satin shorts with a matching satin top that would put how a viagra pill works to shame. And let me reiterate again that she had the hottest legs I've ever seen on a women. Infact her legs were insured for work because they were so perfect. She got more work as a leg model than she did with standard model work. Like I said forever legs.

So we are sitting there talking while listening to some "Jean Luc Ponty" on my stereo. Something was just popping up in my mind the entire time I was talking to her that I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. It was bugging the schit out of me. Trisha was talking, but I was stuck in "Charlie Brown" wha wawa wa wahwa wa listening land. Then it hit me and I couldn't stop laughing.

Trisha: TJ we were starting to have such a nice conversation and now you are just laughing at me. You are a rude ass.

Me: Sorry but since you sashaye'd into my apt here wearing that outfit I've been stuck trying to figure out what this scene reminds me of. And I've figured it out. That is why I was laughing.

Trisha: Well would you mind being polite and sharing.

Me: Of course I will. This scene reminded me of a cartoon in PlayBoy I saw when I was 9 years old when visiting my cousins house. We raided my Uncles Playboy box. It was the 72 Christmas issue that had this one certain cartoon just before the "sex in cinema" pictures. There was a ski instructor with a snowbunny wearing a satin teddy drinking champagne.

Trisha: So you are telling me I look like a cartoon.

Me: No that is not what I said. I said it reminded me of that. I remember telling my cousin how I hoped that would happen to me someday. Seems it is. One of lifes laughable ironys.

Trisah: Yes but I'm not a water color cartoon and I'm not wearing anything now.

With that Trisha was suddenly standing there naked. And she informed me that she has a few skibum fantasies of her own she would like fullfilled, and we would be checking a few of her fantasies off of the list tonight. Boom chikka boom boom. By 3am I was out of icecubes, baby oil, whipped cream, and there was no hot water left for the shower. Boom chikka boom boom.


So basically we got no sleep, and twenty minutes has passed by since I wrote that last line. I was thinking about Trisha's legs and got lost in the memory. She may have been an over baring princess but man what a pair of legs she had. You remember those "LEGS" panty hose commercials in the 80's. Many times it was Trisha's legs that you were viewing on TV walking down that sidewalk all perky with her skirt swinging from side to side with each sexy stride. Makes any man think naughty thoughts now doesn't it.

Well it was morning. The alarm went off and the mad hysteria of getting everybody ready to ski began. Trisha was a serious pain in the ass to get up. I finally took a small frying pan and put it in the freezer to get "bone chillin" wake the fukk up cold, while I was back in the shower since I had hot water again. When I got out of the shower I put said frozen frying pan on the small of Trisha's back to wake her pretty model ass up. Yeeeeeeeeooooooooowwwwwww Trisha jumped darn near to the ceiling and almost stuck her cat claws into the ceiling tiles. It was priceless.


Trisha: TJ you sonofabitch. Why did you do that. I was getting up.


Me: Trisha we are all leaving in an hour. It is 6:30am. I'm sorry I woke you up this early but I figured you would want to take some time to get ready. Coffee?


Trisha took the coffee. We chatted for a few minutes while I fixed her some scrambled eggs and bacon. She wolfed every bit of food down like she hadn't eaten in months. And she didn't have that wafer thin body like most models have. She was in shape. Anywho she ran up to Clays apt to change into her ski clothes. I drank some more coffee and called for the snow report for Snowmass where we were going to ski. 11" so far over night with more throughout the day. Avi warnings were out and I could tell most of the steepest terrain most likely wouldn't be open today. But hey it was snowing like hell. POWDERDAY!!!!!

Well I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for Clay and Trisha to come downstairs for us to leave. I finally get tired of waiting and went up stairs. I knocked on Clays door and walked in on what was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. There on the floor was Trisha laying flat on her back with her spandex ski pants undone. Standing above her with a pair of pliers gripping Trisha's zipper was Clay trying to zip up her pants. The women believed in skin tight spandex that is for sure. And man she looked killer in them. I enjoyed every moment of watching Clay trying to zip her pants up.

Finally we load up in my car and head to Snowmass. It took us an hour to drive to the rodeo parking lot to catch the bus up to the Village. It was bad whiteout conditions and the winds were seriously kicking up. Not looking good on the mtn. White-out falling snow with blizzard winds means most things will be closed. Have to hang in the trees and lower elevations for the day. But we head up to the Big Burn first anyway to get a first hand look at conditions and promptly end up spending 45 minutes on the lift because it kept shutting down from the high winds. We were Snowmass popcycles when we finally got off and headed strait to the pizza shed next to the lift to warm up. However, we soon discovered the Pizza Shed was closed, so we skied down as fast as we could to the Ullrhof lodge at the base of the Big Burn Express quad. Luckily they were open. Trisha spent the next twenty minutes in the womens restroom under the hand air dryer warming those fantastic legs of hers in those skin tight spandex with little thermal warmth. She said her panty hose was all the insulation she needed. Ugh!

Trisha: Sorry guys. I know you must be mad as hell because I'm making you sit here and wait. But thank you.

Me: Trisha don't worry about it. Schit happens and besides it is 8F, really high winds, and it is snowing like hell outside. There will be fresh tracks all day long. Infact I bet this weather will have chased everybody off of the mtn. This could be the best powder day of the year.

It was indeed a killer powderday, but it wasn't the best powderday of the year just yet. We couldn't hit any of the gnar steep terrain because of the weather, wind, and avi condtions. But Sams Nob trails were great cruisers with different lips to get big air off of. And we did get some air off of them but it just wasn't enough so Clay suggested hitting the old "767" jump by the High Alpine Lodge. I love that jump. It is like a roll over burm of a golf course that is 16' high. You have to get alot of speed once you leave the lip by the lodge. If you don't get alot of speed then you are not going to clear the flat landing area. You hit the flat lands and kiss your teeth goodbye. It is about a 30m length air, and you had to have a spotter or it was death if someone skied by because of the blind take off and landing. Now it is nothing by todays standards, and they took that burm down by 6 feet several years ago. Bummer because I loved that air

Well the day was a killer easy trail skiing powderday. The mountain was empty because the weather scared everybody away just like I knew. My favorite days to ski are aways storm days just because of that small fact. The falling snow takes away any mechanical sounds in the air leaving just the sounds that nature has to offer. And nature has alot of sounds to offer. But the mechanical sizzle sound my skis make going through powder is my favorite sound of all.

The day ended for us. We headed back to my apt and for round two of running out of icecubes, whipped cream, and hot water with Trisha. And we ran out of all those items by 7pm, so we decided to go eat mexican food at "la cantina" on the main drag. Trisha went up stairs to use Clays shower and change. An hour went by with no Trisha to be seen or heard. I wasn't worried because I figured she was still primping herself. Then I heard the front entrance door slam and a couple arguing. I looked out the window. It was Trisha and she was arguing with some guy with a stubby ponytail wearing a Miami Vice outfit. And it was a serious arguement. I quickly put on my shoes and went out side to see what the hell was going on. I found out quickly what was going on.

Me: Hey man leave the lady alone. I don't know what your pretty boy problem is but it seems she doesn't want any of you.

Trisha: TJ I'm sorry and you better just go back inside. I will be leaving.

Me: Trisha what is going on?

MiamiVice: I'll tell you what is going on. I'm her fiance' and this was supposed to be some bachalorette weekend untill I got a phone call last night. We were getting married in a week.

OH MY FUKKING GOD. I just appologized to the guy as best I could, and explained I had no idea that she was engaged. I didn't say anything or even look at Trisha. The hurt on the mans face was enough. Granted I had no idea at all what Trisha was up to, but I was still party to the pain that was causing this man. It was time for me to sit down and think about what the hell I was doing in life, and how much of my "search for the good time" attitude was actually taking things too far and hurting others. But then again there was that "PlayBoy" cartoon in that Christmas issue that I was still smiling over.

end of part 20




end of part 20

"ASPEN: God Please let my car start" Part 19

I finally get off of work on that crazy day and I was completely pooped after filling out tons of paperwork. After a 13hr day I was dragging serious ass walking down the street to my apt. I get inside the entrence to my building and there was Clay camped out at my door. Why are people always camped out at my door waiting for me. It's beginning to be like a sick "twilight zone" episode it is happening so much. Right away Clay got to the point.

Clay:Hey TJ a friend of mine is coming in from Galveston, TX tonight. You want to meet her later. She would be perfect for you.

Me: Why is she Miss America?

Clay:Well close. She is a 5'10" blonde bikini model. She is staying in our apt for 2 nights until some friend of hers shows up from down there.

Me: And Stephanie is Ok with this.

Clay:She's fine about it. Infact Trisha was a client of Stephs once. Trisha's pretty fine man. It's just fun to look at her because she is so hot. Really cool lady though man. She likes down to earth skibum guys.

Me: I'll fill out an application then. When is she coming in?

Clay:In about 20 minutes we need to pick her up at the airport.

Me: Ok I get it. This isn't lets introduce TJ to a hot women because he is a good bud. This is George isn't back with your truck yet and I'm saving your ass.

Clay: Umm ya something like that. But TJ, she is very hot man. You'll be glad.

So we go brush the snow off of my car and head to the airport. And wait, and wait, and wait for 2 damn hours. Oh yes and the same cocaine dealing bartender was still working there at the bar. Doing the same kind of bindle coke deals with people just getting off of the planes and into town. And once again if you didn't know what was going on you never wouldn't have noticed it.

So 3 Mich lites later her United flight out of Dallas drops through the cloud barrier. And into my life for 48 hours entered a living, breathing, walking, talking, and genuflecting Barbie Doll named Trisha. And yes she was very very very very very hot. She looked like she just walked off of the set of a Swatch watch commercial. Ready to jump into a red Malibu Barbi Trans Am in her white leather outfit. Driving off to tease all men with wallets that aren't fat enough to fulfill her expensive needs.

We were introduced. I played it cool. Malibu Barbi gave me a double take then did the "ooh claysie waysie, you look so cutsie". I kicked Clay in the leg at that remark. Then stood there in silence. I've seen this act before done by a woman. And Tammy does it better than Trisha here. And why in Gods name do women like this always have names that begin with the letter T. Every women I've ever met that acted like spoiled barbies always had their names begin with a T.

So Trisha was a game player, that much was obvious. I just ignored her while taking in her little bikini model act. We started to walk to my car and right away Trisha started doing the spoiled barbie bit. She was acting spoiled because I purposefully left her luggage in the airport, and she had alot of luggage. I left the luggage just setting there without picking any up. If she wanted help with her luggage she was going to have to say something new in her life. She was going to have to say "PLEASE".

Trisha: TJ aren't you going to help with my luggage?

Me: When I hear a please being utterred into the air I might consider it.

Trisha: Well a real Gentleman in the presence of a lady would graciously gather her belongings without even asking.

Clay just looked at me. He knew me long enough now to realize what was coming. Already he was trying to keep from laughing.

Me: Well Trisha. There would have to be a lady present in order for a Gentleman to recognize her. And just because you are very hot with forever legs doesn't mean you are a lady.

Trisha: You are just a rude ass. Clay get me a taxi.

Me: Good luck with that. It's almost 11pm. You will wait an hour. Now Clay asked me for a favor to come pick you up. I'm waiting for that secret password from you now.

Trisha: Please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top.

So we get to my car. And it started snowing again. So Trisha saw that my car was a little Ford Escort and she was about to say some smart ass remark when I gave her the look. My look ended whatever Trisha was about to speak. So she just simmered as we loaded her 5 bags somehow into my car with enough room left over so we could all drive back to our apt building on West Hopkins St.


We finally arrived at my apt. And somehow in that 10 minute drive from the airport Trisha was able to give us a complete full detailed report of her trip and everyone she met on the plane. It was amazing that she could talk that fast. I get out of the car and grabbed 3 of her bags saving two of the bags for Clay. I figured I would carry her heaviest bags to the stairs since Clay was going to have to deal with this babling barbie all night long.

Trisha just came buy and staired at me all mean like without even a thankyou. Clay came up and reminded me about skiing the next day and I went into my apt. I could hear him kind of yelling at her on the other side of the door as they were going up the stairs. Clay said something to her about how she wanted to meet a hot guy and I was it. I had a feeling this was going to be just what I thought it would be. I don't think I'm done with Trisha yet tonight.

Well I took a shower and ate some pasta. Clay came back down 10 minutes later to talk to me and smoke a joint with a few beers. We both didn't feel like going out since the next day was going to be a powderday. Clay started talking about Trisha again.

Clay: Man she didn't stop talking about you TJ. First she was all pissed off for a bit, and then she said: "Did he say that I was hot". You played that perfectly. And now I see how you do it.

Me: Well man frankly I bet she gets all kinds of men to kiss her ass. She is searching for the guy that won't. I ain't that guy, but with a body like that I'll play one for a week.

Clay: Ya man I hear ya. She is in the shower now.

Me: Well thanks for giving me that image before I go to bed. ALONE. Well man big day tomorrow. I hope she rips like you say she can. I'll see you later.

Clay: Nite TJ.

And Clay left. I watched the end of "hill st blues" on TV and started to turn out the lights.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK went the door. I answered it. It was Trisha with a bottle of wine.

Me: High Trisha. Please Come in.

Trisha: I'm sorry TJ. Would you like some red wine.

Me: Love some.

end of part 19

"ASPEN: God Please let my car start" Part 18

Well today was my very first day of working as a ski patrol probationary rookie. I showed up at 5:30am to be there first and check the weather/avi reports. I thought I would be the first one in the patrol lockerroom at the bottom of 1A. Boy was I wrong. There was a flurry of activity going on already. Tim, Howie, Paul, Annie, and Robin were all there. I got the welcome I expected.

hey proby get the coffee going

I did just that. Even though my dad wasn't around much in my life he taught me two very important things. 1. Remember who you are. 2. How to make a great cup of coffee. The secret is a pinch of sea salt, and a pinch of maple sugar in each pot of your Mr Coffee maker. Makes a great cup of coffee, and all will remember you for that. If you want to make it really zesty add a pinch of ginger. No kidding.

Well the room filled with all the regular patrollers. We went through some quick dry training, and the daily breif. I was then introduced to the crew. Got a heart felt welcome from all, and was then promptly handed the exact same helmet Chip made for me earlier when I got my concussion. Unfortunately they did some improvements. There was now a saying painted on it: "1 kiss per ride".

Howie: Hey TJ don't take to many kisses out their today!!!!!

Howie yelled from the back of the room, and left me puzzled. Everybody was rolling. And when I mean rolling they were on the floor rolling with laughter. I was still puzzled. So I gave a quick witted reply.

Me: I don't need this sign. We know the bunnies are all over me anyway.

Annie: Mighty cocky there aren't you TJ.

Howie: Annie why don't you educate our young handsome rookie there about what is going on this week.

Annie: Why thank you Howie that will be a pleasure. TJ it is "gay ski week" where traditionally you will be very busy taking scared gentleman down on your snowmobile today. I'm sure they would all love to kiss such a cuttie as you. And yes you have to wear the helmet rookie.

I am in a world of schit with no toilet paper. Yes indeed this was priceless. The laughter went on what seemed for hours to me. "get a ride down from TJ and get a kiss, during gay ski week" Friggen wonderful. Thanks bunches gang ;p


After the roar of laughter at my expense died down we got a briefing about HIV/AIDS and how it is contacted along with proper safety measures at that time. And yes very poor taste jokes were made about the disease and whom it effected. I laughed at each one of them. Knowning what I know now I'm very ashamed that I did laugh at those jokes. What ignorant people we were back then about HIV/AIDS, and we still are now. I still wonder why more isn't done to fight the damn monster.

HIV/AIDS was a very serious issie with the patrollers. Some patrollers said that they would not work on someone openly gay if they were bleeding. Then Tim stood up and spoke. Tim was the most respected patroller on the mtn. Of all the patrollers when Tim spoke patrollers listened. Listened very closely. Tim could be the posterboy for what a Patroller should be.

Tim: We all took this job to help people and ski. That is help all people skiing on our mtn no matter what, or the danger. We help skiers. We don't select who we will help, and who we won't. Take the protective measures outlined by Robin and help skiers in need. If you want to be selective about who you want to help well there is the fukking door.

Needless to say the room was dead silent. Nobody said a word, then Howie farted and stank up the room so we loaded up for the day. Well they loaded up on chairlift 1A to start the day. I got to perform maintenence on the sled, and then start checking safety fencing on skiing boundry markers. Thankless job really, but it must be done. One cool benefit of it though is learning about new stashes because they always disturb the fence's when they cut them. So I was getting more inside knowledge into what stashes were available. And I kept my mouth shut about what tracks I saw going "Out of Bounds" if there was more than one set of tracks leading OB. But if there was just one set of ski tracks going OB you radio'd in because that person was an idiot. Inexperienced skiers go OB by themselves. They end up being the fools you send search party's after.

Well the day was going by pretty good. I just got done riding another person down Ajax on the snowmobile that froze up on the Gondola ride up the mtn. Jesus I didn't realize how many people frooze up on the mtn before that day. I was shuttling people down all day long. And yes I got asked to be kissed every friggen darn ride. And not one women needed a ride down that day. But boy plenty of men wanting to be women sure did need a ride down on the snowmobile that day. Most acted and talked like women with a deeper voices. Actually they were more girly than girls were in a manly sort of way. Ugh! it was scary.

Well I was running out of gas so I hit the maintenence shack off the "Summer Road" cat track trail to top off the tank. I was getting the dang sled fueled up then "blam, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhha ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

So I'm like WTF just happened. And then this horrible screaming continued and got even worse if you could imagine. So I go running around to the other side of the shed and it seems these two skiers were racing down "Summer Road" and one lost his edge and went all the way over into the side of the building. And here is where it gets very ugly.

I get over there. It was two men here for Gay ski week racing down on Summer Road. They were obviously a couple. The person injured had on a pink one piece suit with a pink tinsel wig on his/her head. He also had a compound/complex broken femur that was sticking out the top of his leg. And he was bleeding very badly. Not much time to mess around figuring things out when you come across a victum with this injury. Just stop the bleeding and get the injured to the hospital fast. Very fast because you can bleed out in a few short minutes from this type of injury.

I could not get the guy to sit still for me though, so I could get a good look at the injury. After I saw what he had, right away I got on the radio and communicated the situation along with the urgency needed, while putting my rubber gloves on. Other patrollers were dispatched, but I had to get a tunracate around his leg right away or he wouldn't make it.

Me: Sir you have to listen to me. You need to calm down and sit still. I have to stop the bleeding. Again I have to stop the bleeding. Sir please listen to me and sit calmly so I can put this turnacate around your leg to stop the bleeding.


The guys lover told me their names were Phil and Bill. Luckily Phil got calmed just enough for me to apply the turnacate, and then he passed out. It was good happenstance as well that we were at the bottom of the hill. We very quickly got him in the toboggen and to the hospital. Phil got very lucky. He pulled through and got to keep his leg. But he was going to have alot of surgery that much is certain.

One hell of a way to start your first day wearing the red suit with the white cross on it eh!

end of part 18

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part 17

The view from Tammy's house is nice isn't it. Yes this morning I'm at Tammy's. She's pissed off because I'm getting up at 5:30am to go to work. I quess the thought of getting up before 8am is like one of the seven deadly sins to her. Infact most often it was 10 or 11am when she finally rolled out of bed. Tammy could be exhausting to those of us normal people that worked for a living.

Everything with her was always max full throttle living. Sex, partying, business, even conversation was full throttle for her. She was hyper competitive. If you had a great orgasm, then by God you weren't finishing until she had a better one. She had my ab muscles looking killer. But she was making me look like death warmed over everyplace else.

Granted I only saw her two to three nights a week when she blew into town, but each night it was party, party, party. Most often we went to Andre's where all the rich people hung out at to start the night, before heading the the Paradise with the other pretty people. Everybody always dressed to their Aspen nines, while I would be wearing my standard sweatshirt, levi's and basketball shoes. I stood out like a sore thumb in that crowd and loved it. It worked like a charm with the cougars. I didn't just date Tammy after all. I had joined the ranks of the "male slut brigade". Seemed it was the only thing that took my mind off of Kat. Yes I know. Pathetic excuse isn't it?

Well I get to work, and I'm falling asleep at the switch. I spend all day outside in the freezing cold holding a rope tied to the emergency stop switch so I can stay awake all day. And to do some heavy thinking. I had been going at this Tammy thing hard now for about a month. She would fly in every Friday and out on Sunday. But my days off were Tuesday and Weds. So basically I was partying hard 4 nights a week. I had big circles under my eyes and I had lost 10lbs. I looked like shit and I felt like shit.

So I get off of work and there is Tammy to pic me up in her Jeep. Man to be honest with you I was hoping she would forget about me. I would run home and barrecade the door so I could get some sleep finally. Maybe think things through more clearly. But noooooooooooooo Tammy had other ideas.

Tammy: Come now TJ why are you looking so tired.

Me: Some of us have to work you know.

Tammy: Oh let's not start that discussion again. Besides we are running late. We are meeting Rita and Martin at the Woody Creek Tavern before dinner. Oh you need to dress up tonight please.

Me: Tammy I think I'm going to bail. I really don't feel to good and I need some sleep really. Seriously I'm fucking tired. Can't we just stay in tonight.

Tammy: Well why don't you stay in and sleep on your days off then. This is a small town TJ.

Me: And we are not exclusive. This is for a good time and that's it. We agreed now I'm tired.

Tammy: And I need you this evening. Looke TJ whether you like it or not you look good for me. We look good together, why can't you just give in and accept that like everybody else in this world.

Me: You and your car look good together too Tammy. Your car is just an ornament to you. I'm an ornament to you. I'm going home and to sleep.

And with that I got out of her car at the stop light just outside of town and walked the 6 blocks home. I had a grin from ear to ear and was almost skipping through the snow. Ending that relationship was easier than I had thought. Tammy didn't like being told no. Quite frankly she would blow a fuse if she didn't get her way. Waiters in Aspen were absolutely terrified of her. Hell I would be if I didn't know her. I'm still barrecading the door though.

Well I got to my apt and strait into bed I went. I woke back up 11hr later at 5am and I felt great. One nights peace was what I needed. Someone knocked on my door 5 or 6 times through the night, but I just ignored it. I knew it was Tammy going off on one of her temper tantrums. I didn't give a flying you know what anymore. I got rid of the skibum killer, and I could breath. On top of that it snowed last night. Cool that it snowed. Bummer because I still had to work. So off to work I go. And right away when I get there I get called into Carls office. What did I do now was all I could think.

Carl: TJ you took the Patrol clinic in December correct.

Me: Yes but I didn't get hired. One guy was ahead of me.

Carl: Well one of the patrollers got hurt yesterday and the guy driving the patrol sled is going to be on skis. You will be driving the patrol sled two days a week along with another guy from Snowmass. It's for a probationary period. You will still work as a lifty the other three days of the week, but be paid as patroller on those days you drive the sled.

Me: Wow, hey thanks. How much is the pay?

Carl: You will make $10 an hour, but you will have to pay Union dues. Patrol here is a union shop as you know. And you will get a ski allowance. But didn't you just get new skis.

Me: Um yes, but you can always use more skis.

Carl: OK, well you start on this next Thursday after your scheduled days off. By the way you look better today. Did you get some sleep because you've been looking like shit lately.

Me: Yes and thanks for worrying mom. I wash behind my ears this morning too.

Carl: Same TJ. Always with that quick comeback. Now get your ass to work.

So off for another day of loading butts. Right away when all of the other patrollers started unloading at the top of 1A I started getting the rookie/proby treatment. It was to be expected. Frankly I loved it. I spent the entire day fantacising about saving people while wearing my red outfit with the white cross on it. I always wanted to do this ever since reading this paperback book back in the 5th grade in Mr McGhee's class. The book was about this guy from New York trying to get on ski patrol in Switzerland back in 1962. I knew being on ski patrol was what I was meant to do after reading this one line from that book: "the women was resting unconcious on a two foot wide ledge. Somehow we had to ski to get to her"

Yep, I was hooked right then and there. Now where is that damsel in distress for me to save. I'm sure wearing that red parka with the white cross on it into the bars tonight will me find 5 or 6 atleast in need of saving ::D:

end of part 17

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part 16

Well the next morning getting up for work was an experience. And hey guess what I was waking up in my own bed, and alone it seems. Unfortunately my mouth felt like it had a party of fuzz going on inside it, while my head felt like a bongo drum with Tito Fluentes trapped inside playing some Carlos Santana tune. In other words a high altitude hangover was my problem.

Time to eat about 5 tylenol and coffee. Lot's of coffee. Luckily I woke up early. FKNA early indeed. I had only been asleep for 2 hours since I didn't get home until 4am. So I got to shower, brush all that fuzz off of my tongue and then walk to work. The fresh air will do me some good. I hope!

So I get to the Gondola Building about 20 minutes before anybody else did. I huddled by the coffee machine gussling the black soup as soon as it came out. I drank six cups of coffee in 15 minutes. I was totally caffeine triggered 10 minutes after finishing the sixth cup. So I had 2 more cups of gogo juice to really get going. Yeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm awake now.

So I ride up to 1A on the sled with Chip. Go through my usual stops with Ed to open the lift. Then the phone rang with Smitty my supervisor on the othe end.

Smitty: Hey TJ. Becky is sick at the bottom of Chair six. I'm short staffed today. Would you go to chair six and replace her. I'm gonna send her to sit at the top of 1A today.

Me: Must have been all those Long Island Ice Teas from last night you guys were feeding her at the Tippler.

Smitty: Slightly.

Well I got my ski boots on and waited for Becky to show up. She did, and she did look positively green. Infact as soon as she got in my lift shed she went right to the little outhouse attached and blew stew bigtime. She was a mess. I gave her some rolaids and water I had in my pack. Man she was a bleach blonde girl with an absolutely green complexion. She kinda looked like Kermit The Frog and Miss Piggy had a kid. But on this day it wasn't good to be green for Becky.

So I skied over to chair 8 and headed up. It was a beautiful day and man the coffee I drank was making me jumpy as hell. So jumpy I think I made maybe 4 entire turns skiing down to chair 6. I just wanted to go as fast as possible it seemd. So I got to chair 6 most rikky tik and soon discovered I was going to need all of that energy from the coffee I drank earlier.

Seems Becky and her partner at the bottom of Chair6 the last 3 days hadn't done any snow removal in the loading area. So now everything was icy and packed solid. We had to chop down through a foot of that stuff to make the area level. If not people would keep getting their calves pinched bad while loading on the chair. And not 10 minutes after the chair opened the complaints came in. The phone rang and we started chopping at ice. It sucked big ones to be sure. Myself and the other guy were going to make sure Becky would be paying a fine at little Nells bigtime because of it. The last thing lifty's want is to have to clean up someone elses lift mess after they have taken such good care of theirs. It's an unspoken code kinda of thing.

So finally after 3 hours we get it done. The sun was out and it was surprisingly warm. Well upper 20's anyway. So we proceded to load butts. Now if you have never loaded butts on an old type chairlift like Chair 6 it is a delicate operation. You have to hold the chair in a slight pause after it goes around the bullwheel so the skiers can somewhat gently sit down. And then you have to gently let go. If you let go to fast the chair will slap the skier in the legs. And it takes some strength to do this little butt loading maneuver. But after a while it gets boring as hell. So I came up with new games for us when the maze got full.

Games like
-throw a snowball at your favorite ski instructor day. I loved this game because ski instructors just got plastered.
-Escort the pretty girl in the maze to the front. This game we would pick out a hot woman and then as soon as she got into the maze we would immediately push her around the maze so she reached the chair safely.

Well those games entertained us for a while. Then the phone rang and it was Smitty.

Smitty: Um TJ are you grabbing women's ass's in the lift maze.

Me: Darn who told.

Smitty: TJ I'm serious. This guy just came in and said you grabbed his girlfriend ass and walked her all around the maze.

Me: Smitty I never grabbed some girls ass. I would in a very fun manner pull a pretty women through the maze to break up the day with some fun.

Smitty: Well just don't do that. From what I could tell the girl loved it, but the boyfriend didn't. So just don't do that game when boyfriends or husbands are around. And it did help that a few people came in and said how much fun they had at your lift today.

Me: Well life is supposed to be fun you know.

Smitty: Yes but you always seem to take it to a new level around here. Slow down some.

You know what. Smitty was right. That last remark kinda struck a cord with me. I needed to slow down a bit. Yep I'm not going to party so much. I'm going to bed early tonight, and think about where I'm going here in OZ. Heh! yah right

end of part 16

"ASPEN: God please let my car start" part 15

Well it had been about a week since that night with the lady lawyers from Atlanta. Things calmed down quite a bit for me since then. I was sleeping at any rate, and not thinking about Kat at every waking moment. However, sometimes those beds were strange that I was sleeping in. And Tammy's whirlwind only flew into Aspen once for 3 days over that time period so things weren't to insane.

Funny thing about Tammy. She was hot, ripped on skis, and was rich. To bad her personality just sucked the old wahzzoo. But she was still hot, ripped on skis, and was rich so I guess I could deal with it. And she did have quite the collection of fine silk undergarments she wore so that was a bonus.

To bad it had been ten days since the last snowfall. The bumps on Bell mtn were getting hard and a few rocks started getting uncovered. I was getting nervous. Seriously nervous. So were the so called town fathers. "WINTERSKOL" was starting tomorrow. It was Aspen's winter carnival. In a perfect world during Winterskol it would dump a foot each day for the races, torch parade, fireworks, ice scultures, snow scultures, and other events scheduled. And it most certainly needed to snow for the "snow queen" on the Skico float to throw cheap candy at people during the parade on Saturday. Mostly it was a week long drunk fest for the rest of the locals.

So George, Clay, Jeff, Adam and myself all planned on doing the torch parade together. It was going to be my first time doing a ski torch parade. Luckily George and Clay were veteran's in said adventures. They gave me the ins and outs of what is going on with the torch parade. But first I must tell this to everyone if you ever consider doing a skiing torch parade.

**When doing the torch parade make sure you wear your old ski clothes and put ducttape all over the tops of your skis and boots if you don't want them ruined. Actually it is best to use your rock skis that you don't care about. Also put duct tape over your gloves as well. Those flares will drip and burn through your gloves if you aren't protected. It is basically naplam that drips out of those flares. Also don't twirl your arms around fast and wild while skiing down. You will fling that drippy napalm from the flares all over the person infront and behind you. I watched this one little boy twirling his arms around so fast that a peice of his flare caught this girls hat on fire twenty feet infront of him. So just stick your arms strait out and follow the person infront of you, and don't fling your arms with lighted flares so you don't catch another girls hat on fire**

Well we all meet up at the "Little Nells" chair for the ride up. We had our party supplys for the long wait untill we ski down. Basically our party supply's were a 6 packs of bud in each of our packs, a 5th of Jack Daniels, and 10 pre rolled doobies. We were ready for a partying war you could say. So we go to get on the chair and Pete the marketing guy from earlier in this saga is loading butts.

Pete: So TJ how are you. Staying out of trouble I hope.

Me: Why yes Pete I'm staying out of trouble. But I wasn't in trouble to begin with. But hey are you doing the torch parade.

Pete: No TJ I'm not. I leave that to you party animals.

And with that remark this guy behind me starts barking. And barking, and barking, and barking. And he is not even with us. Pete knew the guy though.


Pete: Hey Hal how are you.

Hal: Wolf wolf wolf.


Ok I'm thinking this guy is way out there. My kind of person. He ended up riding the chair up with us. We all had our numbers that they gave us to find our spots to form the letter "A" for Aspen when we lit our flares. So we are riding up the chair and Hal starts barking again.


Me: Tell me something do you know any words other than wolf wolf, or were you lost in the forest as a baby and raised by wolves?

Hal: And your name is?

Me: TJ. Name is TJ. Who are you doing this with. You trying to meet someone with that bark of yours.

Hal: No it is a military thing. I'm by myself.

Me: Well what branch. I was Army. You can join us if you want. Least I can do for someone that was stupid and volunteered the way I did.

Hal: Yep funny how we keep volunteering in the suck. What did you do.

Me: 11Boo. Airborne.

Hal: I was a Navy grunt if you know what I mean.

Basically what Hal meant was that he was a "Navy SEAL". Oh and Hal never skied PERIOD. Hal thought it would be a hoot to do the torch parade. So Hal went to the "Mothers" second had shop and spent $25 bucks on old leather ski boots, and 215cm wooden skis. It was priceless.

Me: Umm Hal is it. You must be really into this thing to bring those old skis out.

Hal: Oh these are old. I just got them. I never skied before.

Me: You have never skied before.

Hal: Nope. Never. This just seemed like it would be alot of fun. So why not.

Me: Well ok when you get off of the chair. Just stand up and go strait. We'll try to help you out after that.

So we unloaded off of the chair and Hal went strait. So strait Hal went that he ran right into the local cable TV station crew that was filming people getting off of the chair for the nights festivities. It was indeed an "America's Funniest Home Video's" moment in time. Hal hit them hard interviewing a local singer named "Susan Paris" with the local rock group "Real People". Hal knocked Susan, the reporter, the camera man, and the camera up in the air. Somehow Hal caught the camera.

All was forgiven when the reporter saw what Hal was wearing, and then found out it was his first time skiing. Everyone got a good laugh out of it. We started to go and hike to the top so we could be at the top of the letter "A" for Aspen we were forming. It didn't take long. And it was a serious party all over the mtn up there. Some people even brought a pony keg up. Everybody had booze. Everybody had pot. Hell you could get a contact buzz just walking around up there. There was this one guy walking around with this big water pipe with an ounce of pot in the bowl giving hits to anybody that wanted one. It was so much fun.

So the 5 of us sit there and start to party like anybody else waiting to get their flares to start our torch parade. And like everybody else we were half lit by the time Peter from Marketing got on the bullhorn for us to get ready.

Pete: Ok people put the pot and beer away. Get your skis on and lets form our "A".

Now we are all jacked up and ready to go. We are all hollering, cheering, and still drinking and smoking. The flares get passed out. Then I notice that while each of us only had two flares Hal had 6. To red ones just like we had, but he also had 4 yellow underwater ocean flares. And those burn really really bright. I sense something special is about to happen here.

So we gave Hal a quick snowplow ski lesson and prayed to God he made it down alive without setting himself on fire. I had my money on him setting himself on fire. He damn near did. We were in our "A" shape. We all lit our flares that bathed the slope in the fire of a Giant "A". Then it happened. Hal just started his first ski run of his life. He just took off before anybody else. He was going strait down the trail like the perverbial "bat out of hell" with his very bright ocean flares sparking everywhere. Those flares looked so bright that it appeared his arms were on fire.

Now the "Little Nells" trail has 5 lips going down the trail that if you aren't careful you will catch air off of. And in the dark Hal was doomed by this we feared. Strangly he cleared each lip he could have gotten dangerous air off of and kept going. He didn't even wipe out. And believe me there was a hush in the crowd at each lip he approached in the fear he would wipe out, and then a cheer would erupt when he made it and kept going. Then he didn' t keep going.

Hal's luck had left him and he wiped out. Now Hal looked like a gaint fireworks pinwheel like you see on the 4th of July fireworks shows. Just spinning and spinning. Bright orange and yellow flames from the flares sparkling everywhere. It was absolutely fabulas. The crowd went nuts. When I mean nuts they went nuts. Hal was a hero. He did't have a sratch on him. No burn marks or anything the lucky drunk Navy bastard. Hell if you didn't know any better you would have thought Skico had "Hals first ski run" planned.

So now it was our turn to ski down as drunk as all of us were. It looked ok, but when I got to the bottom I could see all these little people with flares that were crashed all over the Little Nells trail. One guys coat was on fire untill he was rolling all over in the snow to put it out. Yes indeedy this was certainly well planned now wasn't it.

Now you would think the crowd would be really into things with the comedy that just happened. But no they were silent. I mean come on people we are in Aspen. You just watched people sit themselves on fire before the fireworks and you are bored.

Me: COME ON PEOPLE. THIS IS ASPEN LETS PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was screaming at the tops of my lungs. Clay and George joined me. The crowd went nuts. Everybody started clapping and cheering at the top of their lungs. I felt like I was some kind of pide piper or something. That's when I noticed what everybody was cheering over. Seems about 10 of the skiers up top for the torch parade waited for us to all go down so they could all ski down naked. That's what the cheers were for.


Heh! Aspen go figure


end of part 15

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part 14

Boy the next week things became a blur for me. I was partying my ass off. 2 of those nights were with Tammy at her house. Funny thing about that relationship. Well if you wanna call it a relationship. We came to a quick understanding. I don't get paraded around, and I see whoever I want to. She can too, but I was not going to become "Sparticus" to her. As far as I was concerned we were friends that had sex on a regular basis. Funny thing about people that are control freaks. When they are around someone, or something they cannot control they want to control it even more. However I did take the skis opening that door now didn't I?

So we did strike a balance. I had to look at the gift of the skis in a certain way to be completely honest with myself over this issue. It was skibum prostitution and I was the commodity she paid for. Lets be honest here. It was prostitution, pandering, or whatever you wish to call it. Frankly by Tammy giving me those skis it was her payment to make sure she got laid by a stud to be filled by whatever need she needed filling. So since I was said "prostitute" in this matter I equated orgasm's to like what street john's would pay for oral sex. That being 1 orgasm = $50. I owed Tammy 20 orgasms for the skis. By night two the skis were paid for. This is how Tammy and I came to our accord.

Tammy: Oh my my my skibum energizer bunny.

Me: Tammy we need to talk.

Tammy: Oh come back to me and give me another 10, and don't be so serious and have a good time.

Me: Let's be strait about this good time. I skied with the new skis today and everybody knew you got them for me from the Rossi rep. And from the remarks I got today. Well lets be honest they were all correct in their assumptions. You paid for my pleasure, and please you I did. The skis are paid for.

Tammy: Now TJ you don't need to be so dramatic about it. It is how the world works. We are all just a bunch of whores one way or another. Using each other at every turn of the trick. You get what you want and I get what I want.

Me: No more gifts Tammy. You wanna see me for a good time every now and again then fine. No parading me infront of over the hill cougars whose husbands are one foot in the grave and can't get it up anymore at those stupid dinner party's like last night. I'm done with any relationships. It's equal footing or you can go back to paying for Sparticus's pleasure when you whirlwind back into town.

Tammy: Come come TJ I can hand someone like you Aspen on a silver platter if you want.

Me: Well your silver platter is filthy. I'll take the paper plate Aspen because it is clean. It's that or nothing Tammara.

Tammy: We have an agreement TJ.

With that issue being settled Tammy and I went back to bed. I got up the next morning and went to work. I used my Pre's to ski on. Look lets be honest here. I loved the Rossi 3G's, but for awhile I only skied them on my day off. And I did take schit about Tammara and Kat from alot of my friends. Some felt I was the goat and others felt I was the hero by landing "the cougar" in Aspen. I never told anybody why Kat and I broke up. I just said we couldn't get past an issue and that was that.

So I got through another day of loading butts. Well not really. Every once in a while Ajax gets high winds. And because of the way the mountain trails funnel downward the lift system gets tossed around. By 11am all the lifts, including the gondola were closed down because of high winds except for chair 4 "Little Nells" and 1A. The chair lift I sat on top of was always the last to be shutdown on wind hazzard days, and the wind was howling. By the time the chairs got up to me all the seats were flipped up. So I called Ed up. Ed called Carl, and we were ordered to run the lift on slow until it emptied and then shut it down for the day.

Cool that means I could ski the Little Nells chair all afternoon and get paid for it. Free skiing indeedy. So after 45 minutes of finally getting frozen popcycle people off of the chair we shut her down and I went skiing.

Now when you stand at the base of the Gondola and look strait up to the little mining cabin about 1000'. Well that trail going up to that cabin is the "little Nells" trail. Except for now the market dept has givin the one "Little Nells" trail 10 different names to pad their trail count. They train gates on Little Nells and it's pretty easy skiing, but great for end of day mellow turns if the mtn isn't busy. And since the entire mtn was closed except for that trail it wasn't busy at all. It was an empoyee skiing love fest.

We did tricks off of jumps. Tricks those days were mostly spread eagles, daffy's, back scratchers, heli's, and the odd heli with one of the other tricks tossed in. Lame by todays standards, but when you are doing them on heavy ass 207cm skinny skis it was amazing we survived. It was a priceless day. Mountain employees spirits being lifted by being able to get off work early to make turns. And get paid for it. So of course we all had to hit the "Little Nells" bar afterwards for beer, and then even more beer to be cosumed by all employees enjoying our own special OZ-day.

So I'm sitting there with the gang, and also carrying on a conversation with these three women from Atlanta. They were there on a singles trip. They were all lawyers. Hey it's all in the name of skibum fun anyway. So we are chatting it up when Hugh comes and grabs me.

Hugh: TJ hey Kat is sitting over there. She keeps looking over at you.

Me: Well that's too bad. Let's do a shot.

So we do shots of B52's with the 3 lady lawyers from Atlanta. Then Hugh grabs my arm again as I'm carrying on a great conversation with one of the lady lawyers named "Lauren", and the hits are obivious.

Hugh: TJ, TJ, TeeeeeJaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy

Me: What, what, whhhaaaaaatttttt

Hugh: Tamara just cam in and is sitting over at Barbi Bentons table.

Me: So!

Hugh: Well aren't you seeing her now.

Me: No, Not right now. Right now I'm going back to Laurens condo, and her freind Donna wants you to come too.

end of part 14

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part 13

Tammy: TJ don't look so happy to see me. And why won't you call me Tamara like everybody else does.

Me: I'm not everybody else begging drinks from you. Where is sparticus at? Keeping the benz warm for you? Besides it better than calling you "Deliehla"

Tammy: Oh my a biblical reference to a sex goddess. I'm impressed TJ. Scott, well he's good for a laugh, but not what I want.

Me: OK I'll play. What do you want Deliehla?

And with that Deliehla stood up and took off her big puffy "Michelin Tire Lady" white down coat with the mink fur collar. Standing in the hallway to my apt stood Tammy and all she had on underneith that coat was a silk black garter belt, black slik stockings, and black shoes with stilletto heals. What do you think happened?

Tamara was in her middle thirties. I can't be sure. She never told me to be honest. She lied once and told me she was 26. She had the body of a women that was 26. She had this female personal trainer over at her house 5 days a week when she flew into town. The women's body was perfect. Funny how later on that was one of the things that still bugged me about her. Even perfection has it's limits. Tammy never knew what her limits were.

Of course I took Deliehla into my apt. I was a kid. I was lonely, but more importanly lets be honest. I was a horny young man in his early twenties with an extremely hot women naked infront of him looking like she just stepped off of the cover of "PlayBoy" magazine. My God she was 34D 24 34 and 5'6" with long wavy light brown hair hell yes I took her into my apt. And she had her appetites. I guess I was able to satisfy a few of her appetites because she kept coming around and finding me whenever she felt like it. Whether I liked it or not.

Sure it was fun I guess. But looking back on it. Not really. I mean Tammy knew how to buy people. From what I could tell she really didn't have very many friends. True friends that is. She just picked up the bar tab alot. Or shows up at your door with two pair of Factory Rossignol 3G skis. One pair in a 207cm and the other in a 203cm length. And she does this not two days after I slept/screwed our brains out with her. Well I guess she had a whale of a good time by showing up with skis. (I still have the both pairs of skis)

Tammy: Here TJ pick the length you want.

Me: Tammara I don't need skis. I have my Pre's, but thank you for the offer

Tammy: Don't be childish TJ. Your skis cannot keep up with you and you know it. Besides if it is about money you know I can afford it and you cannot. I spend this on dinner sometimes TJ. Let someone do something nice for you.

Ok here is the problem. She is correct about my Pre Premier 204cm skis (I won them at the "SkiCo" opening day party) couldn't keep up with me. They were to soft and I was to hard on them. But man I was feeling like I was Tammy's "chic on the side" and she was my "backdoor man" the way she was showeriing me with gifts all of the sudden. I shouldn't say alot of gifts. But 2 pairs of skis. That's right two pairs of skis with the bindings to go with it. I took them. Damn I still took them.

Skibum golden rule 7: "free skis is free skis"

So basically for the next 2 months whenever Deliehla's wind blew into OZ I was her beaooch. Don't get me wrong we had alot of fun. Hell great fun. Excessive fun, and with excessiveness even it has it's limits. Tamara felt she didn't have any limits. I did have my limits though. But like anybody that got involved with Tamara she had a way of making you cross those lines in the sand that you would never cross over before no matter what. Tamara had a way of making those lines in the sand not even matter anymore to you. And you didn't even notice you crossed them untill it was almost too late. Notice I said almost to late.

She would take me to these damn dinner partys at Red Mountain or down at the Woody Creek rich peoples homes. I was a fish out of water. There to be looked at and not listened to for the most part. The great looking guy with the size 13 shoe. Fukk! I just kept thinking. "So this is what trophy girlfriends/wives feel like while being paraded around". And that is what you feel like in a way. Now granted Tammy was one extremely hot lady, and any guy should feel happy walking with her down the street. But it was the way she did it that bugged me the most. Like I said: "trophy"

As I stated earlier in this saga about my life I did some crappy things while living in Aspen. Many I'm not to proud about. My involvement with Tammy was one of the things I wasn't to proud about at all. Truth be told I was crushed over Kat. I mean I was seriously heartbroke. I thought she was the one for me. I really truly did feel she was the love of my life at the time. It hurt like hell to find out that she never really truly ever took me seriously. I was her thrill till someone with a fatter wallet came around. I became emitionally numb for a couple of months after that and during my involvement with Tammy. Funny thing irony. Kat wanted a man with a fat wallet and I ended up dating the person with the fat wallet. Well fat purse!

end of part 13

"ASPEN: God please let my car start" Part 12

Well Gage and I went back to the apt to eat breakfast and get back to Ajax to ski freshies. Of course we got a small tongue lashing from our mother when we walked into the door. That was to be expected. She is after all our mother and no matter what we do in life she will always worry like moms do. Still God it gets old after a bit.

Mom: Umm I hope you boys wore rubbers.

Me: Now Mom come on. Did I tell you "I hope you made him use a rubber" on your dates?

Mom: Hey that is not fair.

Gage: Sure it is. And of course we wear rubbers mom. That new AIDS stuff is pretty scary.

Me: Jeez can we get back to eating eggs and getting ready to go skiing. This topic sucks.


So we finish eating and get ready. The reason we were skiing Ajax was because we had to be done skiing and back at the appartment by 1pm. They were flying out of Aspen at 3:30pm, so that left us 2 and a half hours of error time to play with. And boy even typing the time their plane was departing twenty years later still seems very lonely to me.

So we finished packing Mom and Gages things up. Gage left out a change of clothes for when we got done skiing for their plane ride back to Defiance, Ohio. Mom dropped us off at the Gondola to go do some final shopping. We walked up the stairs. Did a shot of Jack Daniels (thank you George), then got in the Gondola line like everybody else. MOOO MOOOO Gage and I stayed in the singles line and managed to get the 4th gondo car going up. We got just over "Copper Bowl" when the gondo came to a sudden halt. And BOING BOING BOING we went up and down, and up and down. I loved it when it did that there.

You see whenever the "Silver Queen Gondola" stops over Copper Bowl it is about a 500' drop strait down to the bottom. And it is one heck of a fun bungie boing type ride in the cabin if you get emergency stopped above it. Gives you the "old penis tingle" feeling with each bounce. Tourist's freak. There were 4 other people in the car with us. Two couples in their late 40's early 50's maybe. The one lady just lost it.

old lady: Oh my God, Oh my God. We are all going to die.


Yep she lost it but good. She started sobbing uncontrollably immediately when the car started bouncing. Her husband, and the other couple tried to calm her down. Man it was crazy. Nervous breakdown on the gondola in Aspen. Boy what a story that will make in the "Aspen Daily News": "woman freaks out in gondola car over Copper Bowl on Ajax. 5 people jump to their deaths because they couldn't take her whining".

Atleast that is what I was imagining in my head for what seemed like an eternity with that lady crying so much. I looked at Gage, and he looked back at me. We read each others minds. I then pulled a joint out.

Me: To bad this car is full of people

Gage: Man she has lost it. To bad we can't smoke that in here.

Then the gondola car got deadly silent after Gage's statement. And I mean oddly quiet. The women stopped crying and was calming down. But all 4 of them were staring at me with said doobie in hand. I thought I was going to get the drugs and skiing speech. Boy was I ever wrong.

Man1: Um are you guys going to spark that up in here.

**an alarm should have gone off in my head with what he just sad. they smoked pot too. duh**

Gage: What business is it of yours.

Me: Gage calm down. Why do you ask sir. We weren't going to. Just an attempt at bad humor. I'm sorry if I offended you.

Man1: Well if you do, would you mind sharing that splif with us. I think she can use it. She is afraid of heights and it is her first time on the gondola. She can handle the chairs, but this is her first time.

So I'm looking at them. They are looking at me and I'm thinking sure. Lets spark it up like the man said. I gave the joint to the nervous breakdown lady first. I thought she was going to "Boggart" the entire joint for a second there the way she was inhaling it. Frankly it was funny as hell after she got out of the Gondola.

Me: Um if you guys aren't from here this will hit you pretty hard at altitude. Where are you from by the way?

Man2: Chicago and it is our first day here. But we are from the sixties. I don't think this little bit of pot will bother us.

Gage: Wanna bet. My first day here last week after 3 tokes I was baked for hours. And I do mean hours.

Me: Hey man I live here and trust me it will hit you. So take it easy a bit. And when you stand up stand up slowly or you will get one hell of a head rush.

Well the car started moving about 10 minutes later. We opened the windows to let the smoke out. The nervous lady wasn't nervous anymore. Infact all of the sudden she couldn't shut the hell up about what a beautiful day it was going to be. The the Gondola car arrived up top and the doors opened for us to get out. The poor nervous breakdown lady forgot about her skis and promplty walked right strait into the door leading to the lift office knocking her flat backwards. God I wish I had a cam corder for that to put up on "YouTube"

Her friends helped her up, while Gage and I set their skis aside for them. We all laughed about it. So did she. They were great people. We chatted a bit and they offered to buy us lunch at Bonnies at 11. We accepted of course.

skibum golden rule 37: Bonnies has killer food, and if someone offers to buy you lunch there you accept it.

Well Gage and I decided to chew up the pow on the blues trails to start off. Besides Gage was pretty beat up from his week of skiing with me and my friends. So we cruised "Silver Bell" down to the Ajax express and did about 5 laps of gasing pow on the runs off of Ajax Express for the first hour. Mostly because Walsh's, Kristies, and Hyrups were not open yet. So we took Northstar down, and man did it ever have huge ass powder bumps. I looked up and Gage would dissappear around each bump. And it didn't matter if you were skiing them good or not. There was so much snow that everything was soft. A bump skiers dream actually. We would make 3 or 4 turns and fall, laugh, and then do it all over again. It was killer.

We got to Gentlemans ridge and instead of taking chair seven we hit Glade 3 for more powder fun. Dropped into Copper Bowl then round Kleenex Corner to the Bell Chair. Now the Bell chair is old and slow but the terrain it goes over is incrediable. Bell mtn on Ajax is known for it's bumps. And you better have rubber knees to ski them because they get huge.

So we whip down "Seiberts" to Copper Bowl for full on gas powder turns to the bottom, and then ride the Gondola back up to meet our pot smoking gondola fearing friends for lunch at Bonnies. Boy was I in rythem skiing that day. It was effortless turns the snow was so light. You felt like you could go on forever. Each turn was met with a smile, breath, then smile again.

Then we hit Kleenex corner and it was a train wreck as usual. "Kleenex Corner" is the main route down Ajax at the end of the day. It is icy as hell, and the face of "Little Nells" trail is always skied off boiler plate by noon because of it. That is why it is best to ski the east part of the mtn in the morning, then come down the west side trails on Ruthies run to end your day. You avoid the train wreck this way.

So we get to Bonnies and only ended up meeting the two men from the group. Seems the one lady got really stoned and really tired soon after we left them. So both women went back to their hotel. The men stayed and skied.

So we are going through the cafeteria line at Bonnies. I grab me a chicken sandwich, pasta salad, and a beer of course. I look over at the two gentleman and they looked like Bluto from the movie Animal House in the dorm cafeteria. They had their trays loaded. Cheeseburgers, soup, cookies, fries, onion rings, pudding, salad, chips, candy bars.

Seems they had a case of the munchies bigtime. We sat down and I proceded to watch them devour each and every morsle of food in front of them. I thought one was eyeing my pasta salad and was getting ready to ask me if I was going to finish it or not. I did finish It. I had the munchies too. But then Man1 noticed Jack. Jack being "Jack Nicoleson" the actor. Same guy that rides my lift everyday.

Now Jack likes to entertain no matter where he is. Infact he even eats like he is entertaining you. He purposefully eats funny to bust people staring at him. It's his way of mocking you. Today Jack was eating soup. He would dive his spoon strait into the soup. Then after the spoon cleared the bowl Jack would take his free non-spoon holding hand to push the spoon into his mouth all the while very loudly slurping his soup with perfect glee and satisfaction. You have just been entertained by Jack. The "Jack Nicoleson eating soup" story will be told at cocktail partys for generations.

Me: Jack is entertaining again. Look at how he is eating soup.

Man2: He doesn't do that on purpose does he.

Man1: Who cares he is Jack Nicoleson. He can do whatever he wants.

Gage: Pretty damn funny.

Me: Just look at all the people watching him. Watch their heads move up and down with each spoonful.

Sure enough everybody in Bonnies was watching Jack eat his soup. He caught a glimps of me and winked. I just started laughing. Jack slurped his soup louder after that. It was pricelss. But lunch was over and Gage and I had time for 3 more runs before we had to head out. We did what we always do when ending a ski day. We raced. We laughed. We enjoyed being brothers.

I won our race, but I lost too. Atleast that was what I was thinking as I watched their airplane take off into the horizon. My brother and I had a great time. It wasn't until I left when I was 17 for the Army that my relationship with my brother went bad. Gage felt I left him alone with our stepdad at the time "Rex". Rex wasn't good to Gage. I took care of that problem after I finished Airborne Training and went home on leave.

But this time our relationship was like those St John Lutheran School ski trips with Mr Lieski we took as kids. We skied, fell, raced, laughed, and ate like kings. And that is always a very cool thing.

So I drive back to my apt. It's clear and cold out. I'm somewhat depressed that my family had left and thinking about several issues. Then there she was. Sitting inside the doorway to my apt.

Tammy: High TJ. I thought you might be loney.

end of part 12

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part 11



It had been two days since that epic dump day with the gang on Ajax. In fact I had been dreaming about it all afternoon long while watching one butt after another unload off of chair 1A. And it was a such a beautiful day too. Damn I wish I was skiing today, but I'm sure Gage will fill me in on his day skiing Snowmass with George and Adam. I'll hear how epic it was for him. And you know what. I couldn't wait to hear each and every detail. Then I remembered it was New Years Eve. Big party night. Luckily I switched days with another lifty to have New Years day off. And it was my Mom and Gages last day to visit me after all so I didn't want to spend it working. And I was kind of working tonight at the Paradise anyway. Man Gage loved that he got in the Paradise for free when it was costing $250 a ticket since Stevie Nicks and Eddie Van Halen would be playing. And Stevie Nicks is HOT.

Well I got home and we all got ready to go out. I had reservations at La Cantina for Dinner. It's a Mexican joint. Bascially Aspen's version of "Chi Chi's" is what it was. We couldn't get in any place else for dinner and be able to afford it on this night. So we are having dinner and drinks there instead to start off our evening festivities. We were having just a grand old time of things when this table next to us throws a fit at their waitress.

I recognized the man throwing the fit as an actor from the "Young and the restless" soap opera over the summer. He played this evil talent agent guy that was trying to keep some hot blond girl singer from her "flock of seaguls" hair wearing boyfriend Danny. Hey I was working second shift at GM all summer long. What else was I going to watch. Anywho the waitress was pouring a sample of the wine for him to try. He didn't like the wine and spit it back into the glass. He accidently spit some of the wine on his white shirt. He went nuts. He was demanding that La Cantina comp his meal and buy him a new shirt. All this because he spit on himself mind you.


Well the girl waiting on him was also our server, so needless to say we got stuck waiting while this soap actor tried to play "Mr Important". He had the manager there and everybody else it seemed. And you know what is sad. They did comp his meal. He got everything that he whined about. I couldn't believe it. And to make matters worse he bragged about it afterwards. Then he took things a bit too far.


Now my Mom is a chubby woman. She got up to go to the bathroom and asked said soap actor if he could please move his chair in so she could get by and go to the restroom. He ignored her. She asked him again. The actor ignored her again. Then Mom in her most stern "GM foreman" voice spoke.


Mom: Look. Move it or lose it buster.


Little blond soap opera actor just looked up at my Mom. Then he looked at her eyes. Then he sank in his chair and moved it quickly forward for my Mother to get by. Then he said it.

actor: Somebody needs to cut some steaks off of that cow to trim it down.

Oh that was the wrong thing to say. Actually I was taken back by it at first. But right away I went into thinking about how I could rip off his head and schit down his neck. But then another evil idea hit me. I was going to play awestruck star gazer with this guy and have some fun at his expense. So I played tourist getting an actors autograph.

Me: Hey weren't you on the "Young and the Restless" soap opera last summer?

actor: Why yes I was. Thank you so much for noticing.

Me: Yes you played that really cheesy talent agent guy right.

actor: Um yes, but I'm working on new roles now.

Me: Ya and you had incest with your mom.

actor: Umm look we are busy. Would you like an autograph?

He grabbed a pen and wrote his name on a napkin. I was seriously thinking about sticking it down my pants and wiping my ass with it infront of him but then a better idea came to me. My mom was the best teacher after all. And I paid close attention to her lessons.

Me: Wow thanks. Glad to see that acting is paying so well that you are partying here at "la Cantina" on New Years Rockin Eve in Aspen. I cannot wait to get home and put this in my scrap book of "loser actors that never made it". Hey maybe we'll see you on Guiding light playing a homeless man next summer.

And with that I sat down. Gage was blowing beer bubbles out of his nose he was laughing so hard. So were the people at this guys table. Geez what a tool. But then again what can you do with some people in this world. Frankly him and his cronies all looked burnt out and were not having a good time. While Mom, Gage, and I were just having a blast. So off we go to the Paradise to see Stevie Nicks. Heh being paid to party at the spot in Aspen on New Years Eve. "ASPEN: Go figure".

So we get to the bar and go in through the back entrance. Now if you have never been to the Paradise/China Club/Double Diamond it sits in a basement that you go down these stairs to enter. There was a line a block long of people waiting to get in the front entrance. Unfortunately I could only get tickets for standing room only for Mom and Gage. That was fine with them. We were having a great time. Bobby Mason opened up the night then Stevie Nicks started playing around 11pm. And I couldn't wait to see her play. I still remember what she looked like wearing black lace in the video. God she was hot. But WTF happened.

Stevie Nicks was announced and came on stage. But she didn't look like Stevie Nicks. This lady looked more like fat Dolly Parton from this country tv show in the late 60's. She was ghostly pale and it was obvious that she was very tweaked out on coke. Infact I saw her doing blow many times throughout the night. She was a mess and I seriously wondered if she wasn't going to keel over and die on stage. She didn't and made it through her performance. People gave her a standing ovation. But my Stevie fantasy was forever shattered that night. But hey it was Aspen so give it a momment or two and something will pick up. It did. Boy did it ever.


Tim: TJ we need you to handle a problem in the bathroom.

Me: Mens or womens?

Tim: Womens.

Oh goody. It is either people fukking or someone is wacked out. It was someone fukking luckily. It was this guy we called "Emporer Ito". He was a pimp and he always had the center table next to the dance floor reserved for him and his ladies. There would be 6-8 really hot women that would show up with him. They would start off by drinking Dom, but by 1am he was alone and all his girls pimped out for the night. It was quite comical. He was also one horney little bad mudda fukker, which is why Tim came to get me. I got into the womens restroom while Ito was recieving a blowjob.

Me: Ito man you cannot be getting blowjobs in here and you know that. Take them to that big house of yours on Red Mtn. Now be nice, zip your pants up, and go back out and join the rest of the party.

Ito: Ha no balls Tim sent you in here to get me out. My party in here TJ. Ahh TJ I'm so close give me 30 seconds more.

Me: I'll give you 15 seconds. Now pop it and get out. NOW

Ito popped his cherry and his receptical swallowed it all without any guage reflex. Well Ito had a little richard so I'm sure she didn't get choked up at all. And hell yes I watched. Wouldn't you if you walked into a womans restroom and caught someone getting a blowjob. It's a priceless story to tell your grandkids after they grow up into full adulthood.

**Skibum Golden Rule 9: "free porn is free porn"

So we partied, drank, danced, and repeated many times that night. Now I can count on one hand the number of really good times I've had on New Years Eve in my adult life. New Years is always so over hyped, but this party was number one in good times had by all. And to be honest words don't do justice to discribe what kind of party it was. You will just have to use your imagination on that one. And make sure you have your best party imagination hat on when you do.

The night finally ended. My Mom went back to my apt after midnight came around. Gage and I picked up two sisters from Denver and went back to their condo for more fun. And we did have more fun. And more fun, and more fun, and more fun. But then the sun started coming up. I looked out the window and saw that it was snowing pretty good outside. I very quickly and quietly got dressed. I kissed the lady I had been having fun with goodbye. She was half out of it and I don't think she even remembered. I did leave her a note though.

So I went into the other room to get Gage. His lady friend that he had fun with was laying on top of him with her feet next to his head. Hmmmm wonder what they were doing when they finally passed out. So I tapped Gage on the head.

Me: Gage. Gage get up. It's snowing out. Powderday.


Gage: Hey get off of me. It's a powderday I gotta go ski.

That's my little brother. That's my little brother indeed.

to be cont

"ASPEN: God please let my car start" parts 1-10



Hello and welcome to my little part of the world. First let me introduce myself. I am TJBrk a skibum. I have been a skibum in the core of my soul all of my life. So I thought I would share some of my lifes skiing experience's to help you keep your stoke up for skiing.

That and maybe you can learn something from from my missadventures in skiing. But mostly I hope you have fun while you stop by. With that I will start off with a few rules about ski bumming that can help you get by. Then I will start on my Aspen story to begin with then follow along with a few more short Stories.

Rules for surviving the skibum world.



let's start with some advice if any of you are thinking about going to a ski resort to become a skibum for awhile in search of turns in "God's Dandruff".

1. Do your homework. Just don't go into it blindly. Find out all info on the resort area you are going to. Find out if you have to submit an employee housing deposit by Aug if you want housing. Find out if they drug test. Hang out in chatrooms and find out where the cheapest grocery store is. What places have free food at Apre (don't go into those places looking like a bum, they will ask you to leave.) Find a day construction job when you get there. It is the best money hiring place for work until ther resort opens. And go to that resort with atleast $1000 minimum in your pocket.

2. Find out where most of the people live at that don't have employee housing. You can do this by going to the ski resorts newspaper website. Just look in the "for rent, and roommates wanted" sections on the site. This will give you an idea of what's available and how much it will cost you. Oh and you are a non-smoker. Even if you smoke say you are a non-smoker. Because it will be easier for you to find housing if you are. You can smoke outside, but make sure you pick up your butts.

3. Take your car. Preferrably a front wheel drive station wagon if you can't afford that SUV. You will atleast be able to sleep in it laying down flat. Especially on that 3-5 day drive to that resort you plan to live at. That and you will be able to drive your roommates down valley to buy grocerys. And they will fill your tank up for it. Not to mention that car will provide emergency shelter if things go bad for you.

4. Purchase a "Rival 1qt hot pot". It looks like a little coffee maker, and an auto voltage converter. This way you will be able to cook mac and cheese in your car. Cost's about $20.

5. Buy an inflatable mattress. Just a double one. You can get the mattress at walmart with a $5 pump for around $30. This can be used in many ways. For friends visiting. But most importantly for "skibum closet loving". Hey look. If you end up in employee housing you will be sharing a bedroom with 1-3 other roommates. Incase you get lucky with a local you will have a private place to mate. Most places have huge closets. Don't put anything in them. But you can decorate those closet studios of love wisely, providing you all with a private place to shag. You can get some $4 shelves at Walmart to put candles on, and some cheap pillows to be put in the shagging closet condo. And that inflatable mattress will fit nicely. And the mattress will also work if you end up renting somebody's closet as a place to live.

6. When you get into town avoid like the plaque those people that come up to you and want to be your best buddy right off the bat. Avoid anybody that is trying to sell you weed or other illegal substances as soon as you arrive. They are looking to either mooch off of you or rip you off. They are the lowlife of that resort town. Keep a low profile at first and pay attention to what goes on. You will be able to find what you need if you remain patient.

7. Get rid of that shabby look. The no shaving, or early twenties facial hair that looks like a rich guys hair plugs gone bad won't get you laid at all. Cougars hate that. Also learn to wear a belt so your boxers/ass doesn't hang out as well. I know you may not like it. But if you want to last more than a month you better do this. And get in shape. Cougars don't like fatslob skibums either. Cougars want a fantasy, and you want to get laid and maybe fed. So find a gym there that the locals go to. Most only cost about $30 a month for a 3 day a week pass. Besides getting in shape will help your skiing. Some resorts have a fitness gym for employees provided for free or a greater discount.

8. Get a job on the mtn to start. Preferrably as a lifty or Mtn Ambassador. You will atleast get to make a run or two each day you work. Also get your "RedCross Advanced First Aid/CPR Card". The resort will love that you have it. It shows responsibility. Now the reason I say get the mtn job is because ski pass's cost. You are there to ski after all. So get the job with a pass included. It also will get you that hard to find housing. Also find out where your employee pass will get you discounts in town. It will save you money.

9. Forget about the local skibummettes until you've been there for atleast 5 months. Especially do not pay any attention to them in the beginning. They can smell horny desperation and fear a mtn range away. And they will use it against you. I've seen many of friends be taken down by the heffer that thinks she is the shit just because the female populace is small.

10. Learn to cook. And I mean learn to cook very well. Restuarants at ski resorts are very expensive, and skibums can't afford it. Besides it will really impress that female ski visitor if you can wow them in the kitchen, because it means you can cook in other depts as well. But it will even more impress that hot local girl that rips at the end of the season when her old boyfriend lost his turn. (I'll post up some killer very cheap receipes for you guys and how to prepare them. Things like "Cornish Gamehen with a roasted garlic wild rice stuffing and orange sauce").

11. Never be late for work or have some BS excuse as to why you missed your shift. You will be fired. You will then have 24hrs to vacate employee housing and you will lose that deposit you paid early last summer. Not to mention that ski pass.

12. Get a part time 2 nights a week job at a bar or restuarant. Do this for a couple of reasons. Free food, cheap drinks, extra spending money, and you will find out who holds the best parties, and other party supply's. That and cougar spotting. (you can do this because most mtn resort jobs only have you working 4 days a week).

13. Buy a supplemental knee insurance policy if you can. It cost's about $500 and you can make monthly payments. Average knee reconstruction costs $25K.

15. Never loan anybody there any money. You might as well burn your wallet if you do because you will never see that money again.

16. Don't push any local into showing you a stash. They will show you when they feel you are worthy. Meaning don't be a dick.

17. Avoid the ski instructor click. It's a Ken Doll beauty show most of the time.

18. Never leave home without a few raincoats in the pocket. STD rates at ski resorts are 45% higher than the national average. Especially crabs.

19. Always lock your stuff up. Your employee locker, Your room, your car, and I mean everything. Because your stuff will be ripped off/gone for good if you don't. Infact if you have a place to live when you get there unload that car of yours right away because all of your stuff will be gone leaving you with a $500 smashed windshield repair if you leave it packed up.

And for the female skibum. Well you are the goose that laid the golden egg. Use it for all it's worth

Well now since we got the rules out of the way let's begin with some fun stories. This first story is from my time in Aspen. I will get you all updated through to Christmas and then I will add a new chapter each and everyday.

[b]ASPEN: "Please God let my car start" INTRO[/b]

It had been awhile since my fathers death from lung cancer. It was horrible watching him die in the Dayton Ohio Veterans Hospital. Infact you could honestly say that my greatest fear in life would be dying the way he did.

Well I was certainly at a serious crossroads. I really didn't know what the hell I was going to do in regards to my future prospects. The last part of my Army contract was almost up. College was not in my immediate plans after attending the "Univ of Cinci". So I spent the summer working at the "GM Central Foundry" plant in Defiance, Oh as summer college help. And it was my home town, and maybe I could figure things out about what I wanted to do in my future, while working in that devils hot plant that killed most within a year after retiring.

My job at GM was taking fire hot crank shafts fresh out of the molds in section 816 all summer, and placing them in metal cages. Trying not to get to many burns in the process. But you still got burned no matter how careful you were. Factory burn scars never quite go away either.

Like the rest of college help I got laid off on the day before I was to join the union. 4 days later I got called back and put on full time. A week after that my foreman (Ron) called me into his office.


Ron: Hey TJ take a seat. I need to speak with you about something very important.

Me: What's up.

Ron: Well we all know you have taken alot of schit because your mom is a foreman at this plant. And the first GM female foreman too.

Me: So.

Ron: Well we want you to become a foreman as well and take the training. You work hard, and you lead.

Me: Did my mom do this. I'm not a gift kind of person.

Ron: No, you work hard. However, your mom isn't called "Big Boss Lady" for nothing.

Me: Ya, I know. I was raised by her.

Ron: Well I have your paperwork, you just need to fill it out so we can get you on salary.

Me: Umm can I think about it.

Ron: I need to know by tomorrow.

Me: Ok. I'll let you know a half hour before the shift starts.[/i]

With that I left and went to lunch. I sat down next to all the guys I worked the crankline with. They all just looked like very old men all of the sudden. And nobody was above 35 years old. And that's when it hit me as my mind and spirit sank.[glow=red,2,300]is this all there is. Do I wanna work at GM and ski Mt Brighton the rest of my life?


Well I finished my shift and went to Deweys. A local bar, but most of us called it "fights nightly". Amy was working the bar.


Amy: Hey TJ. Why are you mad?

Me: I'm not mad. Just have something to figure out.

Amy: Beer and a shot of Rumpy.

Me: Ya why not. Make it 3 shots of Rumpy. Here's my keys.

Amy: I'll drive you home. But to my home.

Me: Get your shots yet?

Amy: Asphole, you sure do sweet talk us all.[/i]

By then the rest of the guys from the line came in after Maag's (GM worker drunk joint) closed down at 1am. They all knew that I got offered a supervisor position. And the schit talking started. Not to mention shots of brown liquior. All I was thinking about was this post card from Aspen my older sister Betty sent me in July, when she and her husband Dan went camping there. Card had summer pictures of the Elk Mtns with the Maroon Bells in the background. The picture of those mtns on that post card still makes my heart ache alot.

All the card said was: "TJ. This place is perfect for you. You need to live your own life and not Dads or Moms. Think of yourself for a change".

My heart kicked the schit out of my brain and stomach after reading that card. Telling them both that I was leaving.

So I'm sitting at Dewey's with my friends that I've worked the last 4 months with. All teasing me about being their boss some day and how I will let them slack off. Calling me "Mr.Pushup" to get under my skin (Whenever the line went down I would do pushups). That's when I told them of my plans, and Smitty called me on it.


Me: Guys I'm going skiing.

Smitty: What the fukk are you talking about TJ.

Me: I'm going skiing in Aspen.

Smitty: TJ it's September. There is no snow.

Me: No you don't understand. I'm quiting the plant and moving to Aspen. Their hiring clinic is in 4 weeks October 9th and 10th. I'm not going to die in that plant. I'm not going to accept the supervisor job.

Believe me that there was some very heated conversations about that. They were my friends. And they all went to the UAW to get me hired on as full time. They went to bat for me. We sat their arguing about it untill Amy locked the bar doors. Then we drank and argued some more. I explained about watching my mom come home with 3rd degree burns from molten steal as an 8 year old, and now she has lung problems that the plant caused. I watched my Dad die of cancer. That's not the life I wanted.

2 of them would have nothing to do with me after that night. But the rest all understood and supported my descision. Now all I had to do was tell my Mom and Ron that I was quiting. Yikes

It went surprisingly good with my Mom. Well sort of anyway. But my Mom really surprised me and completely understood about my decision to not take the job. And I found out she didn't even know I was offered that salary job to begin with. I got offered it on merit alone. Ron on the other hand was mad as hell. He said the following Tuesday was my last day. And that I could get my final paycheck at personel. If I wanted to fight it with the union I could. I didn't. To this day I think he knew it wasn't right for me as well. He was just making it easier for me to leave with a clearer concience.

So I called the girl I had been driving to Cincinnati to see every other weekend and told her to move on with her life, and that she will find some rich guy to be with. I picked up my final paycheck that following Tuesday and cashed it at the bank. Packed my little ford escort to the gills. And at 8pm I left for Aspen. With no regrets at all. The adventure begins

End of Part I

ASPEN: "Please God let my car start" part II

Well I got on the 80 turnpike north of Bryan Ohio and headed west. Clear night, with temps in the 50's. Just me and my little ford escort packed to the gills. And then it hit me.

55mph fukk! It is going to take me forever. And oops 55mph is all my little car will do this packed up.

So getting through Indiana and Illinois wasn't that bad. But Iowa I felt like the "Little Train that Could" because the highway was up and down rolling for the first part of that state. Make the top of the hill going about 50mph, and then at the bottom end up about 70mph. Thank God it was in the middle of the night so no state troopers were out. But then it got flat. And then would you believe it actually got flatter.

Now this was the mid 80's so there was no high powered rock and roll stations on the radio. But ooh boy was there country. And then switching to the am polka channels sure was a treat. I became very fond of this little attempt at a comedy polka song. So sing along with me.


A baby fell out of the window
You think that it's head would be split
But luck was with him that morning
He fell into a barral of

SSShhhaving cream. Be nice and clean. Shave everyday and you'll always look keen.

A fat lady died in the bathtube
She died of a terrible fit
No coffin could possibly fit her
So they buried her in a barral of

SSSShaving cream. Be nice and Clean. Shave everyday and you'll always look keen.


Basically the same can be said for Nebraska too. Finally on the next night I crossed the Colorado/Nebraska state lines. I had been up for about 38 hours. I was beat. I needed to find a bed to sleep in. I pulled into Sterling and got a Hotel room for $12 at this fleabag place. Slept like a baby. Got up at 6am and headed out again. Took me about 3hrs to get to Denver and then on the 70 west.

Now just before Denver I could see the mtns. Wow was all I could say. I stopped and got gas at this one truck stop and bought some octane booster to help me get up those mtns in my little ford. It didn't really help. ::)

I got on 70 west just to the north of down town. And started climbing up. And my car kept getting slower, and slower, and slower on that hwy. Campers were passing me for crying out loud. Then a little voice came into my head. Downshift dumbasp!!! Oh what a revelation. That did the trick. 65mph in second gear, who would have thunk it.

So after passing those campers back, while sticking my tongue out at them as I went by, I thought it would be a good idea to stop and get something to eat and gas up. So I stopped in Georgetown. Had a killer burger. Yummmmmmmmmm Colorado Beef. Then got gas and directions for a quicker way to Aspen. So I asked the lady at the gas counter what was the fastest way to OZ.


Me: Excuse me. What's the fastest way to Aspen. Stay on 70 to Glenwood Springs or take the pass.

Lady: Take the pass. It is still open. Beautiful drive so enjoy it.

So I head on up. And while driving my head is like on a swivel. Turning from side to side looking at the mtns and all the ski lifts I was passing by. Passed through Frisco/Dillion. Turned left at Copper mtn. Then promply got stuck behind a mining truck on that narrow mtn hwy. And I could not pass. It sucked. Yes this sucks indeed. What normally would have taken a 30 minute drive from Copper Mtn to Leadville to connect to hwy 82 took me 2 FUkKING HOURS.

Finally I turned right on hwy 82 and headed up the pass. Stopped for a bit at the Twin Lakes just to take in the beauty before the long narrow drive up the pass. The gas lady was right. You find yourself singing: "America the Beautiful" without even knowing it.

Now I don't know how many of you have driven over Independence pass before. But it's nasty. Oh and you will love this. No friggen guard rails period. And on the eastern side of the pass it is a 3000' drop over the edge. Needless to say my adrenaline was working just fine. But the car was dogging it. But I didn't want to shift down into first gear. I just kept plugging along. I was almost to the top. One more right hairpin turn to go. Then my car stopped. And I'm on a very steep grade with a stick shift car that is loaded down. I slam on the emergency brake. Pushed in the clutch. Turned the Key and said: "Please God let my car start"

It did. And I squeeled the tires getting to the top scenic observation parking lot. Got out of the car and promplty rolled a fatty. This couple comes over and starts talking to me. (Boyfriend=BF, Girlfriend=GF)


GF: Hey are you OK?

BF: Ya man you are white as a ghost.

Me: Car stalled coming up.

BF: Man are you lucky. Lots of cars go over that edge. You can see them from the lookout point. Wanna take a look.

Me: No I'm just gonna sit here and sing "Amazing Grace" right now.

GF: What song is that?

Me: 60's rock anthem.

BF: Who sings it?

Me: Some guy called "Yahwea"


Needless to say they didn't get it. I shared my mojo with them and headed down the backside of Independence Pass. Ooh I was all tingly in anticipation on this drive for sure. But hey I had made it. Well this far anyway.

Define Irony: "Almost getting killed on Independence Pass, when you grew up on Independence Rd

So I pull into Aspen. Go past some trailers, and then see the rich peoples homes on red mtn in the distance to the right. Do the little zig zag to go through downtown. And promplty head out of town towards the airport. WTF am I doing. ::)

So I pull into the Airport Business Center (ABC). I flag down this girl riding her mtn bike to see if she could direct me to a free camp ground I could stay at untill I hopefully found some housing.


Me: Hi. I hate to bother you. But could you direct me to a free camp site where I could camp out for a couple of weeks untill I find a place to live.

She looks at me, my car, and promplty starts laughing. I felt like the incrediable shrinking man at that point.


Me: Ya I know. It looks pretty funny. But where should I go.

Girl: Head up to Weller Campground. The Park Rangers stopped checking there a week ago, and those site won't be closed for another 3 weeks.

Me: Thanks. How do I get there.

Girl: Oh you go back through town and up Independence pass.

Me: Oh. Ya I've been up there thanks.

Independence pass again. Irony eh! So I get there. Radio said temps will drop down to 15F and snow down to 9000'. Oh goody.

to be cont

ASPEN: "Please God let my car start" part II cont

Well I pulled into Weller camp ground after driving back up Independence Pass. First things first. Firewood. So I started scavengering for it. But it had rained earlier in the day so things were pretty wet. Luckily I had a can of liter fluid for my zippo (Yes I did find and use dry kindling::) ). Took the entire can to get the fire going. And it was completely dark by the time I had it sparked up pretty good. Then I set myself to the other priority tasks at hand.

Set my tent up by the car lights. Ate some food, and then roped my cooler way up in an Aspen tree incase bears were around. And marked my territory incase bears were around as well. Then I just sat by my fire and looked at the stars.

Sometimes pure beauty can pass you bye. Other times it slaps you upside the head and makes you pay attention. It was slapping me upside the head. I could hear the river. The sound was peaceful. The stars seemed like I could just pluck them out of the sky by reaching up with my hand and just gently grabbing one. A half moon was very brightly out. The moon was so bright you could see the outline of the peaks encircling me. There was this silver looking ribbon from the moon outlining the tops of them. cough cough cough Whoa, altitude makes the buzz stronger. :o

Now I don't know how much time had passed by, but all of the sudden this subaru station wagon pulled into the camp ground. This girl got out and yelled.


Girl: Hey is that guy from Ohio in the black escort up here.

WTF. Am I in trouble? What's going on.

Me: Umm Yes I'm over here. What can I do for you.

Girl: Hi my name is Lisa. I see you found the place ok.

Me: Hi I'm TJ. Ya got here when the sun was going down. Had to set up in the dark. Why are you here again?

Lisa: I have a place for you to live incase you are interested. But there is a catch to it.

Me: Sure. What is the catch?

Lisa: You cannot move in untill Nov. But the Inverness lodge is renting out rooms for $350 a month untill the end of Nov so you can stay there untill the apt is available.

Me: I see. How much is this place.

Lisa: $165 a month. Includes cable. It's a studio right in town and it's furnish.[/i]

Ok I'm thinking that she is going to ask me to kill somebody, or some other crazy thing for hooking me up. And why is she hooking me up. I just met her 4 hours earlier while she was riding her bike. Something has to be wrong with this place. And how am I getting it so cheap. Frankly how am I getting it period.

[i]
Me: Umm Miss. Now don't get me wrong. But why are you offering this to me. It's like catching the goose that lays the golden egg. When I read the papers "for rent" adds the cheapest I saw was $400 for just a bedroom.

Lisa: Well a friend has the lease and they are leaving. They need someone to take over the lease. And, well the apt sets above the boiler and laudryroom. It can get warm, and you hear sounds.

Me: I'll take it.

Lisa: You sure. You don't want to look at it.

Me: Ya I'm sure. I'm camping out with my food tied up in a tree. I'll take it for sure. [/i]

So with that she gave me her friends phone number and address of the place. The appartment was right on West Hopkins St. One block from Wagner park and downtown Aspen. 3 blocks from Ajax itself.

[i]
Me: Hey thanks for the hookup. Why are you so nice to me and helping me out.

Lisa. You said Please and thankyou. You don't hear that too often from the fish in the barrel here. You know more men that women here. Besides you look like Magnum PI.

Me: Heh

end of part II

ASPEN: Please God let my car start. part III

So it was around 9pm when this old 60's dodge truck pulled into the campground. This guy comes up and starts talking to me about my fire. I couldn't understand a darn word he was saying. All I got out of him was.


My name is Pierre
I'm from du bayou
I have wood.

And that was good enough for me. So he showed me to this blue tarp next to his tent. Then all of the sudden I remembered this Burt Reynolds movie called: "deliverance". And there was no way I was going to squeel like a little piggy.

But I was relieved when he showed a bunch of 2x4's that he's been stealing from a construction job he was working at. Soon we had a serious bonfire going.

Then a van pulled into the campground with two hunters in it.


Hunters: Hey nice fire you got going there.

Me: Yes indeed.

Hunter1: Mind if we join you guys. Want a beer?

Beer. Did someone say beer? God's golden elixor. I'm busting at the seems to say yes but Pierre beat me to it. And with good english too.


Piere: Sure, cumz on over and parlay whitz uz

I was dumbfounded. The first sentence I could understand from him was about beer. Go figure.

So the 2 hunters joined our party in the dark. We drank the hunters beer. Smoked some natural herb. And listened with pure joy as Pierre was trying to master the english language while telling his storys. And then it snowed.

Not alot mind you. But enough to put a bite into the air, and a blanket on the ground. We sat there and got hammered. Had a blast while this snow was falling. I kept looking at my skis on the rack of my car. "Soon, babys, very soon" :)

Well after about 2 hours of sitting around the fire drinking beer, and sampling God's chronic we all went to our respective tents to crash. I slipped inside my sleeping bag. Took out the flash light and decided to read a bit. About 45 minutes later. CRASH fuc fuc fuc. AOUBLTJTHE AMBOUT MALLME

WTF was that. Can't be a bear because I heard someone saying fukk fukk fukk, then jibberish. Must be cajun boy. So I listen again and I could hear him restling around my car, while screaming the same jibberish. So I dress quickly, grabbed my long flashlight, and unzipped my tent door to see WTF was going on. I froze as soon as my head popped out.

Pierre in his munchie driven craze decided he would feed himself by killing a 6' tall Mule Deer with a pocket knife. He had pissed off a rather large Mule Deer very much. And I do mean a rather large Mule Deer. ::)

Needless to say I kept to the confines of my tent door while watching this comedic Charlie Chaplin bayou movie version of: "Stupid buzzed bayou boy hunts deer with a pocket knife".

With the fresh snow and the moon picking through the clouds you could see everything. Pierre and said Deer must have done about a good 20 laps of the rather large Buck chasing Pierre around the campground. It looked like the starting line was next to Pierre's wood pile. The deer would chase him past the outhouse, do a lap around my car (which kinda freaked me. The size of that deer could have totalled it), then past two other campers tents set up. I had my money on the deer. You have no idea how hard it is to not laugh your asp off when you are stoned watching this guy getting chased around by a big asp deer in the middle of the night in the snow. :D

But Pierre was winning. He was a quick little guy for sure. The deer got close alot, but seemed to always just fall short of catching Bayouboy. Finally it seemed they called a truce. Deer was breathing hard by the outhouse, and Pierre was breathing hard behind an Aspen tree. It became a "Mexican Standoff" for quite a while. Both just breathing hard and looking at each other. Like in "Dirty Harry" I felt the deer was saying: "Well boy do I have 13 points or 12? Do you feel lucky boy. Well do you"?

But then the deer just went on his merry old way, and Pierre put his pocket knife away. Considering he must have reconsidered his foolishness of trying to hunt a Mule Deer while high, since his buzz had totally worn off after so much physical exercise.

But Noooooooooooooo. That Deer was a smart one. He waited in the shadows. We all came out and asked if Pierre was ok, and WTF was he thinking. He said he was ok, then after much laughter and teasing we all went back to our tents.

But Mr Mule Deer wasn't done just yet.

BLAM BLAM BLAM. Pierre was screaming and off running again. That Mule Deer went over to his truck and kicked the entire drivers side in. And I do mean kicked it in good. We all rushed to Pierres campsite to make sure he was ok. He was fine. Truck was fukked, but he was fine. Then we all, at what seemed an eternity looked to the right towards the road. We all took a big gulp of air at the same time.

Sitting in the middle of the road. Like a prized statue with a gleam of moonlight surrounding him, was that Mule Deer just staring at us. Smoke rising from his breath. We all just froze. Waiting to see what that buck would do. He just snorted, raised his head and let out a yowl, took a schit on the road, then left.

So folks. Even if you have a way serious case of the munchies. Never try to hunt a Mule Deer with a pocket knife.

End of Part III

ASPEN, Please God let my car start. Part IV

Well I got up the next morning. Got the fire going. Bayouboy was gone already. Actually it seemed like everybody was gone. Then I looked at my watch. It wasn't early in the am. It was like 10am.

"schit schit schit. I have to get to the Buttermilk Inn for the hiring clinic.

Then I happened to look in the mirror of my car. 4 day beard and face was rather sooty looking from the camp fire, or maybe from the toiletpaper pipe I made the night before. Either way I had to get cleaned up fast. But there aint no showers at Weller campground. But I do remember there being a health club down the road. So I grabbed my best looking sweatsuit, pulled out my new basketball shoes (actually I wore these almost always) and tried to sneak into the "Aspen Club" to get cleaned up.

I had to go by ear on how to sneak in. So I put on my Yankees hat and tried to look rich. Even parked my loaded up ford escort way up in the corner of the employee parking to not get noticed. Tried the employee entrance but no way I could get in there. So I went into the main lobby and read the paper. Trying to look like I was waiting for someone.


girl: Can I help you?

me: No I'm waiting on a friend.

girl: Is that friend Mr Shower?

Can you say "BUSTED". So I did something very strange. I told the girl the truth. And then segwayed into the BayouBoy deer race story to get her laughing. In 5 minutes she gave me a key to a locker, and 5 guest pass's to get me by until I moved into my soon to be apt.

Now if you've never been to any of the Gym/Spa's in Aspen. Well they are quite the deal. Every ammenity you can possibly imagine they have. Even towel boys. And what a schitty job that must be. The guy working it had to be illegal. Standing there for 8hrs handing out towels to fat rich guys that didn't have the terms "thank you, or tips" in their belly over belt vocabulary. I gave the guy a $1 and he would most likely clip my toenails if I had let him he was so thankful.

Note to self. Never be a towel boy.

So I get to the Buttermilk Inn. Sign in and then started to take the honesty test they gave me. 4 questions into this thing and I wanted to walk up to the girl who gave it to me along with my #2 pencil and say: "Yes I did make it past the 4th grade and I do know the difference between stealing and not stealing even when being asked that same question over and over again 1000 different ways".

Note to self. Never work as pencil girl.

So I finished the test. Then I got to fill out my application and circled which jobs I was interested in. Patrol, Lifty, womens lockeroom towel boy. Then I got my wait in line number. So I waited, and waited, and waited.

***Number 119 please come to the sign in table***


me: Hi I'm #119

Pencilgirl: Here are your numbers for the interview table inside. When you complete your interview please return the number.

me: Yes Mistress. (she didn't get it)

Well lucky for me I only had one number. The interview section for Patrol, Lifty, womens lockerroom towel boy was all held at the same table. And for purpose's so I don't go nuts typing each persons title like: "womens lockerroom towel boy supervisor", the following labels will be used.

Patrol Supervisor=PS
Lift Supervisor=LS
Women's lockerroom towel boy supervisor=gaybob=GB


LS: So you last worked at General Motors. What did you do there.

me: I worked on the crankline. Taking fire hot crankshafts and tossing them into bins to be sent to finishing.

LS: Why did you leave that job? It most certainly had to pay well.

Me: Yes the pay was nice. Money isn't everything though.

PS: Another true believer (sarcasim).

LS: You were also in the Army. What rank, and what did you do.

me: Sergeant, and I was the training NCOIC for an infantry unit.

PS. Well you have excellant credentials. But we don't hire anyone for patrol until they go through the patrol clinic after the mtn opens. And we only have 1 spot open this season.

LS: DO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE?

me: Yes I do. I'm moving in later. It's on West Hopkins street.

LS: You are hired.

And with that I said thank you. Shook hands with them. Got the Ski Patrol hiring clinic info. My jaw then hit the floor when I found out I had to pay extra money to take the clinic. After I picked my jaw back up off of the floor I found, and then proceded to the bar.

The bartender was this skinny balding guy wearing a hawian shirt. Spoke with kind of an "Egor" accent, and laughed like Krissy from the "3's company" sitcom. So I ordered a beer. Hey I could afford it. I was making whopping $5.90 an hour now.


Egor: So you got hired. snort snort snort

me: Ya. Starting as a lifty.

Egor: Make sure you want to be a top operator. They get paid an extra .25 an hour and you atleast get to ski down at the end of the day.

me: Thanks for the info. Names TJ

Egor: I'm Egor. Wanna buy some coke?

Heh. Aspen. Go figure!

ASPEN "please God let my car start" part IV cont

OK what is wrong with this picture. I just get hired by the SkiCo. I go out to the bar to have a celebratory beer. Egor here tries to sell me coke right away. And I don't know this guy from Adam (sorry adam figure of speech). Alarms were going off in my head.

narc narc narc narc narc narc narc

Is this how SkiCo discovers who the druggies are when they first hire them? I had no idea. So I politely refused Egor's offer, and quietly drank my beer. And to be honest I didn't think to much about blow. I felt it was a waste of money, and the effect it has on the male sex organ certainly made me not want to use it.

Then I could not believe what happened next. In fact it just floored me how relaxed people were about it. This girl walks up to the bar. Puts $100 down on the bar. Egor takes out a small white packet from his pocket, then flips it to her, while scooping up the money in the same motion. And if you didn't pay attention you would have missed it. :o

So now the bar turned into a "New Hire" happy hour. Locals talked about how well the HS football team was doing. I just kept a low profile and sucked in as much info as possible. Made some friends, and got invited to a few parties over the weekend. And got a line on a construction job at the Airport Business Center (ABC)until the mtn opened. Then I made my way into town to locate the "Inverness Inn" to rent a room for the month before I could move into my apt. The thought of a warm room with comfortable bed was very appealing to me. Besides I don't know what hunting exploits Bayou Boy had in store for tonight.

Finding the place was easy. Just off of Durrant ave, and 1 block down of the Lift 1A base. Nice looking building. And it had a hot tub. However, the hot tub was closed until Nov 1st. Bummer :-/.

So I went inside and spoke to Liz the day manager. Very attractive redhead. And I do mean very attractive. A 12 on a scale of 1-10. So I thought I would put the TJ charm machine in motion. And my charm machine was quickly shot down when 2 minutes into my charm machine Liz's boyfriend walked in. And he immediately did every type of body language he could to show that "Hey man I've been waiting a long time for my turn with her. And I'm not done trying yet".

So I kept the conversation to what kind of room was available. Liz informed me that there was two types rooms available for the 30 day renters. A room with 2 double beds for $400 a month, or a room with a King bed for $450 a month. I was definitely in sticker shock. It was the mid 80's and $200 a month for an apt back home was considered high. Liz excused boyfriend telling him she had to show me the rooms. As soon as boyfriend left the conversation with Liz changed really quickly.


Liz: Sorry about my BF. He's way to possessive. I've been trying to figure out how to break up with him for a month now.

SCCCHHHIIIIITTTT. Poor guy lost his turn and doesn't even know it. And I had a feeling that Liz thought I might have on my Dr Ruth mask on for deep therapy, otherwise known as "WILD MONKEY LOVING".


me: That's OK. No need to explain to me. Is cable included, and is there any utility costs involved?

Liz: He just smothers me. Wants to know who I'm with, where I'm going. I bet that as soon as you leave he calls me asking about you.

SCHIT SCHIT SCHIT. I'm going to get the entire sob story. Now normally a guy would capitalize on this situation. He would immediately get in line very fast in case it was his turn, while feeling for that "Emergency condom" located in the small pocket of his Levi's. But I was new in town and the last thing I needed was a ex-boyfriend pissed off at me. So I just listened, and whenever Liz dropped some hints to me I quickly changed the subject. Then Liz invited me to one of the same parties on Saturday I was invited to already. I said yes I would go. Next thing I know Liz is giving me the King room for $325. It even had a small fridge. She gave me my room key. Then I drove back up to Weller to pack my tent up and move into town.

The camp ground was empty. A US forest ranger was there. He informed me that they were closing the campground early because the snow level was dropping earlier than expected. I talked to him for a good while. He asked me about Bayou boy, and we got a good laugh about of his race with the mule deer. Then he told me about .10 drinks at the Tippler until 10pm tonight. All the locals hit it in the off season.

I just had one thought. Does anybody in Aspen ever stay sober?

Well the park ranger left. I had finished packing all my stuff into my car. Said good bye to the camp site, and took the winding road back into town. Now when I got to the Inverness Inn Liz wasn't working. Only the night lady was on duty. She kinda looked like Bette Midler in that "Hocus Pocus" movie. Wort and all. She asked what I was doing. I told her that I was moving my stuff into my room I rented. Then she got alittle pissy with me.


Witch: What room are you taking?

Me: Room 22. I rented it 3hrs ago from Liz. Your manager.

Witch: Well she didn't tell me. I have to talk to her before you can move in.

Me: Look here is my receipt. Lease contract, and my Key.

Witch: They could be phony's. We get that here. I must call Liz first.

Me: Fine. Call Liz. But I'm moving my stuff up stairs to my ROOM that I paid for.

Witch: No sir you will not. Don't make me call the police.

Me: Fine call the police. And while you are at it tell me who the owner of this place is? Because when you call Liz I'm going to tell her how rude you are and then speak to the owner and pass along the same info. Now I'm moving in.

Ya know what. She called the police. They came and made me sit in the lobby until she got ahold of Liz. Luckily Liz was over at the main office at the Saint Moritz hostel when she called. And I could tell by the look on Witch's face that Liz was not very happy with her when she handed me the phone. In fact Witch was looking rather green. The police left as I was talking to Liz. And in a way I should thank Witch for being, well a Witch. Liz took another $50 off of my rental, and gave me a key to the laundry room and kitchen. So thank you WitchyWoman that I never saw at the hotel the rest of the time I was there.

So I took care of priorities when moving my stuff in. Stereo got hooked up first. I wanted to blast some Van Halen, but I figured best not to push it since the police were here once already this evening.

Time just whizzed by in the room, while putting my stuff away. Luckily I looked at the time and it was 9:15PM. Himmmmm .10drinks from 9-10 at the Tippler. Ya I gotta go. So I showered, dressed and drove what ended up to be only 3 blocks down to the Tippler bar. I felt like an idiot when I asked some people coming out of the "home plate" restaurant where the Tippler bar was. I got the rookie look big time.

At this point it was 9:45 and only 15 minutes left of the cheap booze. I could drive the two blocks back to the Inverness and miss the cheap drinks, or find a place to park and hammer drinks as fast as I could. I found a parking spot. Actually a great one. Right in front of the Tippler. Later this would become my downfall.

So I go inside. Check my coat. Got my ID checked by the skinny midget doorman named "Jerry" and went inside. Place was jumping. 70 and 80's dance music going. Ski porn being shown on this big screen above a sitting area next to the bathrooms. Pretty nice place actually. Had a nice dance floor and dark corners to have fun in as well.

So I quickly find a seat at the bar and promptly ordered 10 vodka's on rocks with lime. That's when I became friends with Scotty the bartender. (*Note* there are two Scotts in my story. There is Scotty the bartender, and Scott the ski instructor)


Scotty: Rookie huh.

Me: What? ( I yelled because the music was very loud)

Scotty: ROOKIE, you know new guy in town.

Me: Ya. Sorry about that.

Scotty: You can't order 10 drinks at once here at the bar. You can only order two at a time. But if you drink them fast and tip me well I will make two more as soon as I see nothing but ice in your class.

Scotty was making me two more drinks as he was talking to me. By the time he said "ice" both glass's were empty. I then laid $1 to the side to pay for the 10 drinks, and another $6 next to it for a tip. For the rest of my time there I never waited to get a drink at the Tippler. Infact I drank for free mostly because I always gave Scotty a very good tip up front. So remember when you ski bum it somewhere to always tip local bartenders very well. And those local bartenders will take very good care of you. And will give good reports about you to the local women. Guys cheap dirtbags never get laid. Always tip like it is a religion when at the bars.

Well the night wore on. I was a dancing fool from the very good high altitude buzz I had going. This one legged very hot blonde girl and I were having a grand old time of things. Then I saw Liz enter the bar. And she was there alone, with no boyfriend in tow by the looks of things.

I hate times like this. You got things working good with one girl and in walks another girl that has tossed good vibes to you as well. How in the hell do you handle this coolly without looking like a jerk? If anybody knows please tell me

So blonde girl (I still cannot remember her name), and I were sitting at one of these tall round tables next to the dance floor. Liz sees me and waves high and I wave high back. Blonde girl gets pissed off. Then goes off on this story about how Liz stole her last boyfriend. So right then and there I knew my night was over with blonde girl. Instead of having fun with me, she was now fixated on Liz. Then Liz's boyfriend showed up. Oh nuts. Either one of two things is going to happen now.

1. Drunk cat fight over boyfriend.
2. I'm used as the "Lets make old boyfriend jealous with new guy in town boy toy".

Option two happened. And it got old very quickly. And I informed Liz that I didn't appreciate it. Then I excused myself to the bathroom. Gave a wink to Liz that I was sorry this happened her, and made the "exit stage right" move to collect my thoughts.

When I came out of the bathroom Blonde girl was going at it with Liz's old boyfriend. By going at it. I mean seeing how far they can put each others tongue down each others throat before someone yells out the obvious call. "Why don't you two get a fukking room" Noooo schit Sherlock was echoing in the back of my brain.

So I immediately looked for Liz. She was no where to be found. I just figured she had finally found the way to breakup with the boyfriend. Certainly she did by the way her ex was going at it with the little blonde girl I was with. Hmmmmmmm maybe my turn will come soon.

So the place was still jumping, and it was just after midnight. I thought I would go out to my car and smoke a bowl of chronic. When I get done, I'll just go back inside. That was my plan at any rate. WRONG!!!!! :o

Now when I left home on this trip my younger brother gave me some good sized buds from his homegrown patch back in the woods. Pretty good stuff actually. Lot's of red hairs in them. Anywho I packed a bowl and started to spark it up.

BAM BAM BAM. POLICE. FREEZE!!!!!!

Fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk. First night out partying in Aspen and I get caught smoking weed by the local fuzz.


Cop1: Sir step out of the car with your hands in plain site.

Me: Yes sir. No problem. My wallet and ID are in my left rear jeans pocket.

So they patted me down. Took my pipe, and weed. Then we started talking about the best ways to grow pot. Now I know you are thinking WTF.


Cop2: Man nice looking buds. Where did you get this?

Me: I don't know. Picked up along the road coming here.

Cop2: Hey relax. We aren't going to bust you. Infact I have halves forsale at $60 if you are interested

Aspen. Go figure ::)

End of Part IV

ASPEN: "Please God let my car start. Part V

beep beep beep beep beep beep. Radio alarm going off. Then I hear this dorky DJ's voice.

Hello Aspen. It is 6am time to start the day. That light rain last night turned to snow in the upper elevations. Welcome to another beautiful day in paradise

STFU. My head hurts. I've only had 2 hrs of sleep and for the life of me I cannot remember the girls name lying in bed next to me. But I do remember what we did. ;)

I didn't really have the time for chit chat. I was hungry, hung over, and was about to go work construction. Check that, go try to find a job working construction. So I kissed the young woman on the cheek, and got her up,dressed, then drove her to her home. Her home I later found out was a bed she rented in this guys townhome basement at the edge of town just before the big zig zag in the road leading out of the west end. The guy rented like 10 beds out to all these girls and took pictures/movies of them without them knowing. He sold them in the back of hustler mag it was discovered like 3 years later.

Before she got out of the car I got these really strange uncomfortable vibes from her. So I asked her.


Me: Umm is everything ok?

Girl: Not really.

Me: What's wrong?

Girl: Don't take this a bad way. It was alot of fun. I would really like to do that again with you sometime on a casual basis. I don't want a boyfriend. It was just about the sex.

Me: damn. And here I was getting ready to take the wrapping from my pack of Marlboro's to make an engagement ring for you, then get down on bending knee. :D

At that moment I wondered if I was going to get the slap slap on the face, you friggen muddaf**ker from her, or she was going to crack up. Luckily she started laughing.


Girl: So next Thurday. Same time then will be ok with you.

Me: Sure, I just need to remember to buy some more nodoz. This altitude marathon sex is draining.

Girl: Ya we all go through it to start with. You will be ok. Where are you going now?

Me: To get something to eat, and then try to find a construction job across from the Airport.

Girl: You will. They pay in cash too. And the Hickory House is just out the driveway to the left. Great food there, and most of the construction guys eat breakfast there.

So I thanked her. She slipped me the tongue one last time and giggled as she walked away. Then I noticed that her white panties with little red strawberries were laying in the passenger seat. I guess she was purposefully leaving something behind so she could come visit soon.

So off to the Hickory House I go. Now if you've never been to the Hickory House in Aspen. It is a must visit. Killer food, killer food, killer food. My two favorite place's to eat in Aspen to this day is the Hickory House, and Little Annies (friday night BBQ country style ribs. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm). Unfortunately Little Annies, Cooper St Pier, and the Red Onion are all closing their doors at the end of the 2006 season for more condos. >:(

So I wait at the door. And it seems like every construction worker in town was in there. But there were not any open tables. Finally this waitress comes up and asks what I want.


Waitress: Are you lost?

Me: No just really hungry. No tables are open though. How long do you think the wait will be?

Waitress: That's no problem. Just pick up an empty chair at any table. We're really informal here. Everybody does it.

I'm like way cool. I've found heaven. So I see there is one chair open at this 4top. And I grabbed it. I got the biggest breakfasts they had. Pancakes, eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, wheat toast. And coffee. Lot's of coffee.

So I'm sitting there making small talk with the construction guys that I poached this chair from. They all worked for Star Construction. The top guy and two of his supervisors Al (head guy), Kevin, and Bob were sitting at my, well their table. I told them that I was looking for a general laborer position untill the mtn opens. I was in the right place at the right time luckily.


Al: Well it just so happens we need someone just like that. I pay $8 and hour. Do you have a hammer?

Me: I'll take it, and yes I have a hammer.

So I took my stanley hammer out of my belt loop and put it on the table. They explained what was needed of me. And that I would be working in town on this building that was going to hold 6 shops.

It was a sweet deal. I had to bust my asp cleaning up after all the subcontractors, but everybody left me alone because I got more work done all by myself in one day, than what the other 3 day laborers did in a week that just quit.

I ended up being paired up with another day laborer named Chris that was working for a heating duct company from Grand Junction. I was helping him clean up all the tin/insulation laying around, and hauling in new heavy ass'd duct work from their truck. And it was back breaking work. I couldn't wait for lunch to come. With this altitude I felt like I was starving to death and had worked off that huge breakfast I had. So the lunch break came and the other day laborer Chris asked me to join him.


Chris: Hey I'm going to lunch. My sister has this Mexican carry out place. It's just up the alley.

Me: Ya I'm in. I would love a big ass burito right now

So we head there. I was introduced to his oldest sister that owned the place, and their youngest brother who was basically incharge of opening beer bottles of XXX (the guys brain is seriously fried on drugs. Last anybody knew he was a heroin addict that was homeless in San Fransisco).

His sister would not let me pay for the food. Chris and I sat down and started chowing down. That's when I first saw her. This tall 5'9" very athletic hot looking blonde just walked through the door and as it turned out into my life. She had on this loose shirt with black tights on. And the body was kicking.


Me: Hey Chris. Check out the perfect heart shaped asp on the blonde that just walked in.

Chris: Yah nice. But it's my sister



fukk, fukk, fukk. TJ you dumbnuts

This chant was beating my mind to death inside. I knew I screwed the pooch on this one. No way will I ever get a date with this hottie now. And worse no more free meals at his sister's restuarant, could also be part of the punishment of my mistimed remark.


Me: Um sorry man. I shouldn't have said that.

Chris: Don't worry. Everybody thinks Kat is hot. But they can't catch her. She works at a beauty shop and teaches aerobics at the health club up the road. Would you like to meet her. Besides it will be funny watching her shoot you down just like every other guy in here.

So of course I said I wanted to meet her. And of course he is sitting me up for the kill while he was talking to her. I was doomed for sure. He waved me over to say hello. I felt like that 9th grade kid that finally got up the nerve to walk across the lunchroom to ask out that senior girl he has a crush on out on a date. All the local guys eyes were on me. Waiting for me to be put down in my prime by this striking woman just like each of them had been. The dark cloud of "foot in mouth" dating doom was at my doorstep.

So I walked over to the counter. Chris introduced me. You could cut the tension with a knife. Every guy in there was watching me. I could swear that dark cloud above my head was making a tornado at that moment. What could I do, but to just accept my fate like every other guy in here.

Chris: Hey Kat. This is TJ. He thinks you got a smoking hot ass in those black tights.

Me: Hi (gulp). Nice to meet you. And I didn't say that you had a smoking hot asp. I said you had a perfect heart shaped asp in those tights.

tic tic tic tic

It felt like time had stopped. You could have read "War and Peace" it was so bad. All the noise in the place ceesed. You could hear a pin drop. All eyes were on me. Waiting to see how I would be dealt my fate.


Kat: Hi I'm Kat. Turn around.

Me: Uh uh uh. Turn around?

Cat: Yes turn around. You saw my asp and gave your opinion, so now I get to see your ass and give my opinion. Now turn around.

I could hear taps being played in the background. My death was at hand, or so I thought.


Cat: Well now. Seems you have a smoking hot asp yourself. We are going to the Paradise tonight to watch Bobby Mason's band. Would you like to join us?

A sigh of relief went across my face. Of course I accepted. And the look on all the guys faces having lunch in there was priceless. They all had been shot down by Kat before. But I rose to the top and had a date with her. I was a God in that place during my hour lunch break.

Now I just had to watch the time tic by untill later that night Untill my date with dream girl. And so began my relationship with the blonde girlfriend.

to be cont


ASPEN: "Please God let my car start" Part V cont

So all afternoon Kat's brother Chris just couldn't believe his sister asked me out. Frankly neither could I. But the tension of waiting was killing me.

Work finally ended. A few of us went to the "Cooper St Pier" for some beers and greasy bar food. After 2 beers I had enough and wanted to get back to the room so I could take a nap before going out. After all I didn't sleep at all the night before. I even went so far as buying some "nodoz" at "City Market" on the way home so I would stay alert tonight. So I got home about 6:30 and took a 90 minute nap.

Guess f**king what? My dumbasp took the "NODOZ" pills just before I went to bed. Sure I slept a bit. I figure about 20-25minutes maybe. Then I woke up feeling like I was ready to run a marathon. My heart was on overdrive. thump thump thump thump thump It was going like a bat-out-of-hell.

So then I had this brilliant idea that seemed to be bathed in this haze I was in. "I know just what I will do. I will chug a beer and smoke a bowl. Yes that will fix it. (Sometimes I'm amazed I even survived that year of my life ::) )

So I took out my happy pocket knife and cut a hole in the bottom of my "Schafer" beercan. Put small hole up to my mouth. Pulled the tab and it was "SHOTGUN SCHITTY BEER FOR QUICK BUZZ HAPPY HOUR" Which was immediately followed by "DO QUICK BONG HIT WITH THE "DEPTH CHARGER" HAPPY HOUR. I was such a foolish idiot. Man I was young.

Needless to say by about 7:45pm I was climbing my rooms walls ready to Parrrrrrrrrtaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy. So off to the Paradise bar I went 90 minutes before Kat was to arrive. And all I was hoping about before I walked out on Durrant Ave that fine evening, was that I wouldn't be the only desperate guy sitting at the bar this friggen early. I was lucky I wasn't. The place was full of desperate guys hitting on the same 6 things that passed as women at a strange planet, in a small part of some galaxy far far away called the "Paradise Bar" ::)

Actually the bar was like a twilight zone episode. There was some live entertainment. 2 kids dressed like "Duran Duran" rejects doing rock covers. Flock of Seaguls painted hair and all. One guy dressed in purple playing guitar. And the other guy. Oh gosh, how do I even attempt describe this Vanity fair reject. I'll give it a shot anyway. Imagine seeing a chubby short white guy dressed like Micheal Jackson, but ended up being closer to Sir Elton John. Sir Elton was playing the piano. I was about to laugh my ASP off at these two young roosters, but they rocked. They did a version of David Bowies: "Young Americans" that rocked the house down. Serious they were very good.;D

So needless to say I made my way to the bar to view the heffer/greasedpig sexual chasing contest that was going on. Found an empty stool. I ordered a bud with a shot of Juervo. Said bar tender deposited said drinks infront of me. I was charged $5 because it was happy hour. Fukking happy hour prices my asp. Hell a shot and a beer any place else is $2bucks during happy hour.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Aspen!!!!!!!!

So I'm sitting there watching the pretty boy bouncers wearing their best "Miami Vice" outfits try and talk this one guy down from becoming an idiot. It was amusing. The guy was acting out of hand. But he was a midget. No I am not really kidding. There were 4 of the pretty boy bouncers. Head bouncer Tim, and his 3 pretty boy "Don Johnson Dancers" sidekicks. They looked more like the boy group "nsync" than bouncers. Anyway they were all intimidated from said midget. They let this guy stay in the bar.

Well not 10 minutes goes by when said midget starts a fight with this guy right next to me. Just when said bartender quickly places another free beer and shot infront of me, remembering the $3 tip I gave her from before. Needless to say the midget wrestling knocked my drinks over. Now they didn't spill on me, but it still pissed me off. I look up and the bartender has this look of death on her face. But she is not looking at me. She is looking at the 2 bouncers sent over to break the fight up. Those 2 PBB's were just standing there afraid to intercede. So I finally had enough of "Mr Midget" and the PBB's inactions. So I got inbetween both of them and tried to stop this midget wrestling event. :P

However, "Mr Midget" had quite the attitude. "Mr Midget" felt he needed to put me in my place by hitting me in the leg. Yes he only hit me in the leg. The poor guy couldn't reach any higher. So I knocked "Mr Midget" down and dragged his sorry midget asp outside. PBB's (pretty boy bouncer) never did anything. Then I went to go back inside. Tim the head PBB wouldn't let me in.



Before I talk about Tim more. Imagine a Ken doll with dark brown "Saturday Night Fever" perfect hair wearing Miami Vice threads. That is Tim. And to this day he acts the same way. If you go to "Club Chelsea" in Aspen tell him I said hello and wondered how his membership to "Hair Club for Men" was working out. You get a hoot out of it. Promise ;D


Tim: Sorry but we do not allow guys who fight in here.

Me: Well I just did your pretty boys job.

Tim: We don't need your poor kind in here.


That little cheapshot pissed me off. Then one of the blonde PBB's came over and whispered something into Head PBB Tim's ear. Frankly I was at the point of giving Tim a "high and tight" haircut at that point.


Tim: The owner would like to speak with you.

Me: Who is the owner?

Tim then pointed over to this strikingly attractive women with long strait brown hair. And gang the women was a 14 on a scale of 1-10 strikingly attractive. I was admittedly awe struck for atleast 5 seconds. And did I mention that she was STRIKINGLY ATTRACTIVE

So she whiggled her finger meaning Tim and I to follow her. We went down back behind the stage/dancefloor to an office. Tim opened the door, then closed it as soon as I had entered. She then introduced herself. (Sorry but no real names here)


Terri: Hi I'm Terri. My husband and I own this place.

Me: Hi I'm TJ. Poor person that shouldn't be allowed in according to Tim.

Terri: I'm sorry for that. Tim and the other pretty boys are friends of my husband. He owns this place with me, and hired them.

Me: So I gather this is the "I'm banned talk"

Terri: No no no. Not at all. I want to offer you a job. Would you like to work security for me?

Me: You mean you want me to be a pretty boy bouncer. I don't have Don Johnson attire.

Terri: No not at all. I'll pay you $10 cash an hour. You'll be here Thursday to Saturday from 10pm to closing. You can bring dates in here if you wish, and give those women the full attention that they desire from you. You, and your guests will always drink for free. But if I have a serious problem here with my security staff. Tim and my husbands friends can't handle any kind of real trouble that may happen in here. Will you take care of these problems for me in a quiet manner like you did tonight? You will be well compensated.

Me: So let me get this strait. I just sit and have a good time, and take out the trash that the "Miami Vice" guys can't handle in a nice, quiet, forceful way. And anybody with me drinks for free, and I get paid in cash AT THE END OF EVERY NITE.

Terri: Yes

Me: Deal

Terri: One thing. Tim doesn't know this. Only see Tom at the bar for your drinks. And most importantly my husband doesn't know.

Me: Ok, but your husband has to know, or no deal.

Terri: Ok deal.

Me: When do I start.

Terri: You did 30 minutes ago when you tossed the midget out.

The man really wasn't a midget, but he was like 5'2" and was trying to start a fight with any guy that was over 6'. I am not putting down Little People at all. It's just how I colorfully remember the guy.

So now I'm like way cool. I'm a dirtbag skibum. I have a date with a hot blonde. I don't have to pay for 1 drink that she has. Oh and I get paid while on a date tonight.

Ok back to the job offer. Something just didn't feel right about it. Especially the Hubby not supposed to know, and Tim not knowing at all. Alot of denability on her side incase anything goes wrong. So after a bit more talking. Tim was informed and I would be paid by check like every other employee. And if it was a slow night I could leave to go check out other bars as long as I was back by 1:30am when most drunk problems start.

Then Tim was called in and informed about my new position. He was pissed right off of the bat. And too this day we do not get along. He thinks I'm an idiot, and I in turn think he is a bigger idiot even though he does have perfect hair. ::)

So back to the bar I go. Order another shot&beer and wait for Kat and her brother to come into the bar. And I wait, and wait, and wait. It's 10:30pm. No sign of Kat. I have been stood up. Yep. But hey. I have an open bar tab, the Bobby Mason Band is rocking. Oh and there is a schitload of lovely women in Aspen. So I'm going to have a great time. And I did have a great time. For about 10 minutes at a time.

Seems Tim decided that there was going to be some emergency every 10 minutes that needed my dire attention. It lasted 2 times of him doing this little game. I was on my way to find Terri and informed her I was quiting when Kat walked into the door. All of the sudden my quiting after only being employeed 90 minutes didn't seem to important and could wait for later.

And this next part is truly priceless.

Seems the "Timster" had a thing for Kat. She hated him. Actually most of the women in Aspen didn't like him very much. So I got to the door and informed the PBB's that Kat and her brother were with me. Tim protested a bit.


Tim: Oh there is no need for your invitation. Kat is one of my preferred VIP's. She has a VIP card.

Kat: Yes I do have that card. It will get you and I 50% off on drinks tonight.

Me: That's ok. Terri said I drink for free in here now. So do you and your brother when you are with me.

Kat: Thanks for the card Tim. Guess I don't need it anyway.

Well needless to say Tim looked like the weasley looking school principle in those 80's films that kept getting shot down by the troubled 8th grade boy's hot mom all the time when he tried to buy her love. Kind of pathetic really.

Well we partied the night away. Had a great time. And I didn't abuse my free booze privilages. That was a great gig and I didn't want to ruin it. But man what a woman Kat was. And boy could she dance. Why couldn't there have been RedBull and vodka shots back then?

So needless to say we had a killer time. Then we went to the popcorn wagon for Apre Bar munchie food. I had some kind of crepe, and it was killer. But my favorite late night bar food from the popcorn wagon is the chili dogs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Well Kat had to drive her brother home. And I had volunteered to work overtime on Saturday. So she said she wanted to see my "smokin hot asp" on Saturday night. I accepted of course. We kissed, then Kat and her brother drove away. Then it hit me.

Fukk. I have to get up in 3 hours. Am I ever going to sleep while I'm living here?


End of Part V

Me
[img]http://www.picvault.info/images/68931_Aspenpic3.jpg[/img]

Me during patrol test. Notice jean jacket, jeans and gators
[img]http://www.picvault.info/images/68941_Aspenpic4.jpg[/img]

Picture of shadow mtn that I got suspended for skiing OB on.
[img]http://www.picvault.info/images/68940_Aspenpic2.jpg[/img]

Peanut Butter Ridge. Made famous by what 2 patrollers did with a women in the early 70's with jar of skippy peanut butter. It is one of the best backside powder stashes
http://www.picvault.info/images/155156_Aspenpic11.jpg

My boss Karl. Yes real name
http://www.picvault.info/images/155170_Aspenpic6.jpg

View from the 1A patrol shed
http://www.picvault.info/images/155161_Aspenpic8.jpg

http://www.picvault.info/images/155165_aspenpic15.jpg

remember this bridge in the movie
http://www.picvault.info/images/155163_aspenpic12.jpg

Sorry guys. No pics of the girlfriends will be posted. This is how I discovered about the movie. Anyway when I lived in Aspen my best friends there and I use to have this standing "Friday Happy Hour Monopoly Game" each week. When I went back to visit in the late 90's we got the gang that was still there back together at Jeff's and played the game.

We got pretty buzzed and everybody started talking about when they first got got in Aspen and what brought them there. We all talked about how we all got there. We had told and laughed at our stories many times during our friday game each week years before. And each time the story's of our coming seemed fresh and funny each and every turn we told them. Well my turn came up to tell how I got there.


Jeff: Ok Teej how did you get here? (Jeff is an Aussie so imagine the accent)

Me: What is this Teej crap Jeff. That is like the gazillionth time you guys have called me that.

Jeff: Just tell your story Teej.

Me: Ok if you won't tell me, then here goes. What was I going to do. Work at GM and ski Mt Brighton the rest of my life.

And as soon as I said that they all burst out laughing in unison. I was still lost as to what was going on. You see when I lived in Aspen my standard line whenever anyone asked me how I came to live in Aspen was always the above remark of mine.

Finally, just after I said that Jeff, Hal, Clay, and Sherri let me in on the big joke. They started talking about the movie. Then they started getting serious about things and really asking me alot of questions.

I still didn't know about the movie when they were asking their questions. The movie was never shown in Ohio where I lived at the time I was going through Nursing school.

After they remembered when I got suspended for skiing the backside of Shadow and the reason I did it. Jeff pulls out a tape of the movie. We watched it. Laughed our asp's off and I got drunk as hell.

I got teased about a few things that happened to me because some of the stupid things I pulled were more like Dex, than truely me. Next chapter to come later tonight. THINK SNOW 8-)

ASPEN "Please God let my car start" Part VII

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 6:45am

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww my fukking head. The next 20 minutes I spent in the hottest bath I could stand. Trying to get a really good sweat going to hopefully get some of this poison out of me. It' helped alittle. So did the 5 asprin I chewed for faster absorbtion.

I pulled my clothes on. Lit a cig ( I quit smoking 11 months later in the Marines. But that is another story) and tried to get myself motivated for going to work. It was raining cats and big fat dogs. Yippee. Today is going to be special I can just feel it. Why did I volunteer to work over time today? Oh ya I'm broke and need the money. Headache gone now ::)

Well I check in with Kevin and he has me digging this ditch back out so the electrical PVC piping could be taken out, because it was 6 FUKKING INCHES FROM THE WRONG FUKKING SPOT, or that was his excuse at the time >:(. The only thing that got me through the day digging in the mudd/rain was thinking "It's a great day to be in the Infantry" on nutsty days like this during basic training that is how we mentally got bye. The electicians standing under the buidling entry way thought I was nuts because I was laughing at the irony of the situation. Infact they never left my site, and always looked pissed off. I guess they don't like working saturdays. But they weren't working for the 3 hours I've been digging this ditch out because they screwed up. Then the police came with Kevin. They looked very serious, and pissed off. More importantly they stayed looking pissed off while walking towards me


Kevin: The police need to see the bottom of your shoes.

Me: Sure. Here ya go!


At this point I was in no mood, so my mud covered ass sat on the side of my ditch I was re-digging to the delight of the electricians. Took off my shoe, and chucked it at Kevin. He caught it and the mudd that was on my shoe went off and splattered all over Kevin and the cops. It was priceless poety in motion. ;D


So the Cops scraped off the bottom of my Nike Shoe (think I can get sponsored by mentioning their name?), then throughly examined it. Then they tossed my shoe back and left. Luckily no mudd was on the shoe when they tossed it back to me. It was still all over them and Kevin, but I still had no friggen clue what was going on. And it was frustrating me bigtime


Me: Kevin what was that all about?

Kevin: Sorry about that TJ. The storage room that the electricians and plumbers use was broken into last night. Someone kicked the door down, and left a foot print on the door. They made off with over $5K in tools. The electricians thought it was you since you are a new hire. That is why they were staying out here with you.


Me: That's such fukking bullschit. Why didn't you just come to me right away and fukking tell me what was going on. My God Kevin you know some of my background. How could you even think someone like me could steal?

Kevin: Whoa. Sorry, but I was asked not to by the cops.

Me: Did you stick me out here in the rain digging this ditch that the electricians fukked up because you thought I did it.

Kevin: No, but everyone thought it was a good idea so you wouldn't split. Actually the reason I asked you to stay and work today was just so the police could talk to you.

Me: That's such fukking bullschit. I believe innocent untill proven guilty is the standard in this country. Here's your fukking shovel. I got it about half way dug. You should get it done in 4 hrs. Enjoy getting cold, wet, muddy, because I'm not doing it. I quit. >:(

Kevin: TJ wait. I'm really sorry. Don't quit, we need good employees.

Me: Good employees. What a crock. You got me out here digging a ditch in the fukking rain to punish me for something I didn't do.

Kevin: Again. I'm sorry TJ. I can't say more than that. I'll give you a .50 cent raise an hour if you stay.

Me: Are you offering me that because it is the right thing to do because I'm a solid TRUSTWORTHY employee, or are you offering it out of guilt. 75 cents an hour raise is what I'll accept. But next time have some friggen integrity and talk to me first.

Kevin: done.

Me: Show me the door.

Kevin: What door.

Me: The door I was falsely accused of breaking down. Because unless I can help clear my name it doesn't mean schit to anyone unless they catch the guy who did do this. Your actions today have seriously tarnished my reputation. I'm very dissappointed in you.

Kevin: I'm sorry TJ, but I was ordered to do it this way.

Me: You know in the RANGERS if we get an order we know is wrong it is our duty to not accept it and do the right thing. It works in the business world too.

Kevin: Well TJ, I'm very sorry. There is not much more I can say at this point other than I'm sorry. I need you to stay. I've gone through 6 general laborers over the last 2 weeks. Please stay and I will make it clear you had nothing to do with this.

Me: Well do it after I look at the door to see what print was left slammed on the door. I want you to call all of the contractors together and inform them that is was not me at all that stole. Make it clear to everyone that I did not do this and I am no suspect. Now lets go look at that door so I can clear my good name that you tarnished severely. [/i]

Man I hated that my temper got up and I had to tell Kevin what was up so he would get his head out of his asp. Still the way he handled the situation was utter BS and left me angily dissappointed. So finally Kevin and I went and looked at the cop taped door. I recognized the shoe print right away. It was a no brainer. I've been a very good athlete all of my life. I know every tennis shoe ever friggen made. :)
[i]
Me: It's one of the dry wallers that ripped the electricians off. Kid with the long brown mullet hair, and singing "Quiet Riot" songs all day.

Kevin: How do you know that?

Me: That funny shoe print with the odd shaped retangles and triangles belonged to a Converse AllStar basketball shoe. They were the only ones that have the sole pattern that is on the door. Kids begged their parents to buy them a pair of Allstars because of that funny shaped sole pattern. That Converse Allstar basketball shoe was a serious school yard status symbol back in the day.

Kevin: Oh ya. You sure it is that kid.

Me: Yes it is him. I wanted a pair of those shoes really bad when I was 9. I saved up 4 months of tips from my paperroute in the 5th grade to get a pair. Sweet fukking shoe.

Kevin: You're really really really sure this guy has those shoes and he was the one?

Me: Yes. I noticed them and we talked about it. He said he had 7 pairs of them.

Kevin: We need to let the police know about this. Lets go talk to the cops again.

Me: Goody.

Well the police had left just before Kevin and I tried to find them to clear my name. I was still in shock that they even thought it might be me that stole from the electricians. Luckily the kid didn't sell all that he stole yet, so they got most of the tools back at a hardware rental store in Glenwood Springs. However, after about another 2 hours of pouring rain Kevin called the day and sent all of us home and we closed up the site for the weekend. I stayed clear of the electicians during the wait to speak to the Police. Mainly because I would have knocked those electricians out for the ditch digging bullschit of theirs.

Next thing I know Kevin and I are at the Cooper St Pier bar drinking a pitcher of Old Style and playing pool. The place was empty. Actually I didn't really want to go, but Kev felt guilty about what I got put through, so in return he offered to buy me a beer and lunch to get over his poor decision making and guilt. Hey free beer and free food. Well is free beer and free food. You never turn it down. PERIOD!!!!


***SKIBUM GOLDEN RULE 1: "Whenever offered free beer and food. Take it. Don't think twice about it"***

However, after sitting in the bar for awhile the cold and mud on my clothes was was making me a very uncomfortable soggy popcycle. I said goodbye to Kev and went back to the Inverness Lodge where I was staying so I could take a nap and get cleaned up properly. I was meeting Kat later and I had to get some rest since I really haven't slept since I arrived in OZ.

Well now it was raining even harder than when I was at the bar, which meant by the time I walked back to the lodge I was a soaked spunge. I entered just inside the door, which Liz seriously contested my entry into the lodge HARD AND FAST.

Liz: Just stop right there. You are not coming in here like that.

Me: Liz I'm not really in the mood. I just want to get a shower and go to bed.

Liz: Sorry but the carpets just got cleaned after the summer yesterday. You are not going to muck them up.

Me: Well what do you want me to do. Strip naked and walk all the way to my room in the buff.

Liz: Yes!

Ok. Now normally my "Berry White" porno theme music would be playing in my mind at this point sending off an alarm that I might get laid. But I WAS FUkKING COLD, FREEZING, AND VERY TIRED. I was not in the mood for Liz's flirt game, but since she was so beautiful I didn't really protest her sexual flirtation power trip to much since after all I might get my turn with her later ;).


Me: Liz. You cannot be serious. I'll just take off my shoes/socks and roll my pants up.

Liz: No you won't. You will strip. I'll get you some towels and a robe so you can cover up.

By now others that were in the lobby were throughly enjoying this "reallity comedic skibum soap opera" being performed in front of them. So I'm left standing there doing my best impersonation of a wet puppy hoping all would end soon. All all in the lobby heard what Liz had said. Fukking goody. I'm the comedic entertainment for the day.

Yes folks stay at the "Inverness Lodge" and enjoy TJ's comedic ranglings. I'm here every weekend. Don't forget to tip Liz


Liz: Here you go TJ. Here is a plastic bag to put your clothes into. I'm doing a load of towels in a few minutes. I'll wash your clothes for you too, since you have been so so nice about this exposing day of yours.

***SKIBUM GOLDEN RULE 2: "Whenever someone offers to do your laundry let them. Doing laundry is expensive as hell in ski towns"***

Me: Gee thanks for your kindness.

So I took off my wet sweatshirt. Then put the robe on before I took my jeans off to keep from exposing myself, and to tease Liz mostly because she couldn't get me naked no matter how hard she tried. All the while handing my clothes to Liz, which she put into the plastic bag she gave me. The lady staying next to my room was very dissappointed that I covered up with the robe before the pants came off. I asked her if she had any dollar bills if she wanted to see more ;). Well she didn't get the joke.

So I was drying my hair with a towel, and getting ready to bolt to my room. I thought I was off scott free. Such a dreamer I was.


Liz: TJ aren't you forgetting something.

Me: No. You have all my clothes.

Liz: No you don't TJ. Are you a boxer or briefs man TJ?

Me: Liz you cannot be serious. This isn't fair.

Liz: Let's have them.

Now I know what you all are thinking. And if I didn't have a date with Kat in a few hours I would be all over Liz. But there was another reason I didn't want to give her my underwear.


Liz: TJ I'm waiting. so do you want me to wash your clothes or not? Act now or lose it.

Me: Ok Ok. Just don't laugh to hard. Promise me!

Liz: Why do you have little hearts on your undies?

Me: No. Just promise me.

Liz: Ok I promise I won't laugh.

Now we have a crowd filling up the lobby. "How in the fukk did I get into this" I kept asking myself. . I fukking haven't even been here a week yet and I'm stipping in public. Well sorta. So I finally wiggle them off and hand my clothes to Liz. I was really wondering if I did the right thing in moving to Aspen over what all I went through since I arrived not long ago. I felt like the unlucky Kid at that point. And as soon as Liz sees my underwear all pride I have ever had will be gone.


Liz: Oh my God TJ. Taz. TAZ!!. You like cartoons I see. Well atleast they are bikini briefs

The walk up the stairs afterwords listening to all the laughter was one of the longest of my life.
:D

to be cont

ASPEN "Please God let my car start" chap 7

***Keystone to open Saturday at 9am***

That was the annoucement on the radio about the first ski resort in America opening for the season. We heard the message loud and clear Several times on the radio while we were polishing off beers after work Friday evening at the Cooper St Pier. Right away I knew I would be driving the 3 hours to Keystone ski resort very early Saturday morning. Frankly I couldn't wait. ;D

No way was I missing the first opening turns of the season. Even if I was only going to be skiing a 10m wide patch of man made snow. My co-workers informed me that was all I would be skiing at any rate. They weren't the least bit excited about the announcement. However, my being a rookie was good jonging entertainment for them. So I took their jokes with good humor. But I was going to be skiing in the Rockies in a few short hours. I couldn't wait to get there and ski. Schit I would have skied an icecube at that point.


Kat: TJ, TJ, TttttttJjjjjjjj. Wake up.

Me: Uh, what's going on?

Kat: The alarm went off. It's 6am. Are you nuts?

Me: Oh. Sorry. I'm going skiing.

Kat: You are what?

Me: I'm going skiing at Keystone. They are opening this morning at 9am. I gotta really hurry.

Kat: You don't want to spend the day shopping with me then I take it. ::)

Me: No. Funny. Ha ha. I'm going skiing. I'll be back around 5pm.

Kat: Come back to bed for a while first. Lets start the day off with a bang.

Well some priorities override others, so I leaped back into bed with Kat. And left for Keystone after eating fruit and cereal in bed and chit chatting for a bit. To this day I still miss talking to that women.

So I ended up arriving at Keystone an hour later than what I thought at 10am. However, during the drive there, when I just got on I70 in Glenwood Springs it was annouced on the radio that Keystone would not be opening untill 11am that day. So I had an hour to kill untill the lift opened when I got there.

I pulled into Keystone at 9:45am. It was cloudy with flurries. Right away I went to the ticket office and purchased my lift ticket for the day. I couldn't believe my luck when I read my ticket number. My ticket had the serial number #1 on it. I got the very first lift ticket sold to Keystone that season. 8-)

So I figured "to hell with driving around the area to kill time". I'm getting in the lift line right now because since I got the first lift ticket sold for the season, well then I want the first chair ride up for the season by God.

And I did guarantee myself that first chair ride up because nobody else was in the liftline when I got there. The lifty's were just starting their checks. So there I was standing all by myself in the little snow covered patch-o-maze chomping at the bit to make turns. Nobody was around at all untill the "Road Warrior" arrived at half past the hour. That's when I found out that the reason Keystone would be late opening was because they were supposed to film this guy made up like a charactor out of "Mad Max" skiing the trail early in the morning before it was open to the public. Big problem though. They showed up late. Friggen Hollyweird turds.

Well it was 15minutes before the lifts were supposed to open when things got alittle exciting. The hollyweird producer guy was upset because Keystone management was going to open the lift to the public just like they advertised it would be, and not keep it closed for said hollyweird types to film. (Hollyweird producer will now be known as HWP).

Well HWP got really pissed off at Keystone managments decision regarding opening the lift to the public before he could film his commercial. Didn't matter to me how pissed off HWP was. I got the first lift ticket and first chair all sewn up. All is golden in the world to me on this glorious day. Then things got crazy pretty fast because HWP at the last second tried to bolt infront of everyone in line, and he actually tried to kick me out of my first chair ride up to start the season.


HWP: Excuse me but I'm taking your chair.

Me: The fukk you are.

Right away I was pissed off. I've been dying, while patiently waiting to make my first turns of the season. I have the #1 lift ticket on my coat, and I'm going to have the #1 chair too. And no little PeeWeeHerman wannabee is going to stop me. Especially this cocained up excuse for male DNA


HWP: Do you know who I am.

Me: Somebody half the size of me. >:(

Right away he got the gist of my arguement and calmly stepped back out of the way to the applause of about 50 skiers standing in line dying to make turns just as bad as me.

Well finally I started riding up the opened double chair at Keystone for my first turns in the rockies. It was a very nice day. The clouds and flurries were gone. Sun came out, which caused it to warmed up quite a bit. Almost spring skiing temps. And since the chair was moving nice and slow I decided to take a few drags off of one of my "opening day prerolled fun sticks". First day of turns in the rockies = first doobie smoked before making first turns in the rockies.

***Folks in no way am I condoning the use of pot or any other drugs while skiing. I was in my early twenties so take it for what it is.***

So while I enjoyed the buzz kicking in I see this kid walking down the lift line way up ahead. He was a lifty that they had been walking down the lift line picking up the discarded trash. I felt sorry for the poor guy. Sweating his asp off picking up trash that ASPHOLES, and I do mean ASPHOLES just throw down trash spoiling our greatest natural resource.


Me: Hey man thanks for what you are doing. I appreciate it.

Lifty: Thanks. The $5.25 an hour really makes it worth while. Is that a cig you are smoking.

Me: No

Lifty: Can I have the roach. I'll give you $2 for it.

Heh. This kid is desperate. He wants to pay me two bucks for a roach. Mannnnnnnnnnn.


Me: Here. You can have half the joint. Thanks for picking up after aspholes man. Catch!!

Well the nameless lifty was very much over joyed with my charity. Then it hit me. I'm going to be doing the exact same job real shortly. Hopefully my attempt at positive karma by giving him half a joint will keep me from the garbage detail.

Well it was finally time to unload off the chair and make my first turns. I had an old pair of Elan G200's to ski on. The trail was about 2 cats wide of man made snow. I was the first one going down. It was priceless. Especially watching the HWP movie guy fall on his asp after he got off of the chair. Accompanied a round of "golf claps" by everyone in viewing distance of this walking rectal face.

Now granted the open trail was narrow. The snow was man made boiler plate, but man it was great skiing. Sun on your face, some very hot women were there. And of course watching the hollyweird people kept the mood light and interesting.

However, and there is always a however in life. The one trail open got crowded very fast. By the time I came down for my 4th ride up after three runs the place was a madhouse of Denverites. You couldn't move or breath. You litterly had to stop at some sections of the open trail to wait in line to ski the next section. I bagged it after that. And the hollyweirds did to because all of their trucks were gone. So back in my little ford escort I went for the ride back to Aspen. Completely satisfide with my first skiing adventure in the rockies as a skibum.

However, it just so happened to be "TJ double bonus day". How can that be you ask? Well I will tell you. Just before I left to go skiing Kat showed me something special she purchased down at the Glenwood Springs Mall earlier in the week. She was wearing it when I opened the door when I got back home.

Kat: TJ. You are not. And I repeat are not skiing tomorrow.

Me: Yes Mam!!!! ;D

IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING 8-)

End of part 7

"ASPEN" Please God let my car start! part 8



Mom: I don't care. I want his autograph. I think he is sexy.

Me: Mom I'm just bartending his girlfriends book opening. I doubt I even get to talk to the guy.

Mom: I'm your mother. Get it for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well here it is. Opening weekend of Ajax. One more checkmark on the "dreams achieved" skibum journal. It was also ThanksGiving. And for once I was really looking forward to a ThanksGiving holiday. To make a long story short. Because of childhood, and service to my country I've never really got to spend a holiday in my own home. Even to this day at the age of 42 I still haven't had a holiday in my own home as an adult. That ThanksGiving in Aspen with Kat, at her sisters restuarant is the closest I've ever come to having a peaceful TurkeyDay with a women I loved.

Now you have to appreciate what I'm about to tell you, along with a funny ironic twist to it. You see that ThanksGiving holiday was being spent with Kat, at her sisters restuarant called "Loretta's Mexican Kitchen". Only it was the standard TG food that was being served. There was Me, Kat, her 2 brothers and their girlfriends, Loretta, and the 2 illegal Salvadorian women that cooked for Loretta.

I was incharge of the green beans. Since the Salvadorian women didn't know how to prepare them. Boil green beans on high quickly untill water is about gone, then add 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 1lb bacon cut up, 1tsp pepper, 1sp salt, pinch of garlic, pinch of onion powder. Cover and simmer on low for 2hrs adding just a bit of water as needed.

Anywho it was a grand memorable day. The mtn opened with 6" of fresh snow on it. I was running the top of the 1A chait, so had to be there early at 6:45am because Ski Patrol took that lift up to start the mtn. So everyday that I worked lifts I met up with Chip (top operator of Chair 8/Ruthies chair) for the skidoo ride to the top of the chair. I got to ski down at the end of the day to the terror of my lift supervisors (alot more on this later).


Me: Hey Chip. Happy ThanksGiving

Chip: Hi Teej. Must be a good omen for me. You are on time and don't seem to be hungover.

Me: Excuse me. I'm not drunk. What do you mean?

Chip: Relax. We just don't expect to many lifties being sober on opening day after last nights parties.

Me: Well if it makes you feel better I haven't slept yet, but I have been in a bed .

Chip: And yes I know who was in that bed with you and we are all envious.

Me: Chip don't be. So lets get to work


With that Chip did his "bat-out-of-hell" skidoo driving impersonation to the top of 1A lift shack. And his "bat-out-of-hell" driving didn't change during the entire season either. But I have to admit that Chip and I pulled off some crazy accents riding the mtn up to our lift shacks each day we worked together that year.

So I get settled in the 1A shack, then I went to do my cow-catcher/bullwheel cleaning. Basically you climb on metal piping while brushing off the snow with a broom. When I finished sweaping the snow away I followed the rest of my start up procedures, and called down to the bottom to speak with Ed so we could do our stop checks.

RING RING RING

Ed: Hello. bottom of 1A

Me: Hey Ed it is TJ at the top. I met you the other day. Ready to do our checks.

Ed: TeeeeeeeeeJaaaaaayyyyyyyy. Hey Carl told me nice things about you. Said you are a good one. Don't let me down. Ok AIRBORNE.

Me: How did you know I have my wings.

Ed: Carl told me. He has his as well. Both of us do. So do you still have your holes.

Me: Yep sure do. You?

Ed: Yes. Let's get this done and then get a beer afterwards. Hey what are you doing for Turkeyday? You could join the Mrs and I in El Jabel.

Me: Thanks for the great offer, but I'm spending it with my girlfriend Kat at her sisters Restuarant.

Ed: Loretta's sister is your girlfriend?

Me: Yes. She is. Why did you ask?

Ed: Because everybody wants to go out with her, or her sister. Let's do the e-stops first. OK

Me: Got it


When Ed was referring to "holes" it was about when we recieved our Airborne wings. We chose to have blood wings. That is other men in the unit that have thier wings already beat your wings into your chest. It is a luck thing, and it is tradition that they be punched into your chest drawing just a pinch of blood. Hence the mame "bloodwings".

buzz buzz buzz

The lifty phone was buzzing and it was Ed.


Ed: Hey Teej we got a celeb coming up. Good guy he wants to say hi to you. Told him you were new and that you were Airborne. And that we know you will be here all year.

Me: Ed I'm not a celeb person. I'm just here to do a good job. Who is she anyway?

Ed: It's a he, and he is not of that type. Airborne I'm doing you a solid here. Be nice to this guy. He is very cool.


So for the next 10 minute, while waiting for chair#47 to hit my loading off ramp I wondered who it was that Ed was telling me about. Then I saw only one guy on the chair riding up. Old blue down coat, dark blue bibs, old knit hat. All I was thinking is that Ed was pulling my leg a bit with my being a rookie on the first day of his job and all. Then the celeb downloaded, took off his skis, walked up, and knocked on my door. I still didn't know who he was at that point.


Star: TtttttttttJjjjjjjjj is it. I'm Jack. damn GLAD TO MEET YA SON. Ed says you were Airborne. Yes?

Me: Ah ah ah ah ah ah

Star: It's ok son. Take a deep breath. I find it relaxing to my soul to breath deeply in times of being flusterd. Here follow me. We will breath together and relax, then we can say our proper "howdy doos".[/i]

And with that I was introduced to Jack Nicoleson. He sat their and talked to me for about an hour while I opened the chair lift up.

[i]
Jack: So TttttttJjjjjj I understand you've nailed Kat. So how was it my boy. And don't skip the bells and whistles

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells. It is just not right to do so.

Jack: I couldn't agree more dear boy. That is why I try to be the best lover possible. This way I can remain humble while other women pass the gospel about my very large thingy.

Well that day meeting Jack was more than entertaining. And believe it or not the man is a hardcore skier. He may ski like schit, but everyday he was in town he was skiing. And everyday he would say hello and carry on some small conversation with me. He is the only celebraty that I've ever met that was basically colorfully normal.

Jack would ski everyday wearing the same old blue down coat and pants. His sweater hanging out under his coat covered in snow. Same white turtleneck with this dam ass'd ugly rainbow scarf. His head was completely incased in this OVERSIZED crochet knit hat that looked like it came out of someones dumpster. He never wore his signature glasses when he skied. He always wore goggles. If you didn't know it was him, then he just looked like any other local skibum just out getting some turns. And that is what makes Jack so fukking cool.

Well I got off work and went over to Loretta's restuarant to repair the door molding and put a weather strip on the bottom of the door. Loretta reminded me about the "Jill St John: Aspen Cookbook" dinner on Saturday that I was supposed to bartend for her.


Loretta: TJ. Don't forget. Please do not talk about this dinner party to anybody. It is just for private family, friends, and the publisher.

Me: No worries. It could be the President for all I care. Infact I almost forgot about it. What's the uniform?

Loretta: Do you have a nice pair of kackies, and a button collar blue longsleeved shirt.

Me: Yes I have preppy clothes if that is what you mean.

Loretta: Funny, ha ha. Um no basketball shoes either.

Me: Yes Mistress

Loretta: In your dreams sonny boy.

Well I finished fixing Loretta's door and waited for Kat to get off of work. Her car wouldn't start again, so I went and jump started that beast once again. 3rd time in a week actually. She kept leaving the dome light on in that old ford Granada of hers. God that car was ugly :o

The evening went bye rather fast, and then we decided to go dancing. We ended up at Andre's around 10pm, and met up with some friends of ours. And let me tell you about Partying in Aspen during the 80's. It was no holds barred. People openly did coke on bar tables. And this night was the first time I ever saw Tamara. The Rich&Beautiful Brunnette couger (Bryce in the movie "Aspen Extreme" I guess you would say).

Well I got a good glimpse of her at anyrate. She was sitting with this ski instructor, which at times I pretended not to know because he was such an idiot named "Scott". Scott believed he looked like the actor Kirk Douglas because of his dimpled chin. This guy was so self absorbed it wasn't even funny. Whenever I walked past him, or ran into him in town I would say: "Hey Spartacus, how you hanging?".

You know what the idiot never got it that I was making fun of him. He actually thought I was paying him a compliment. Infact he went so far as to try and make it a nic-name for people to call him. Scott was the quintessencial thingyhead.

So anyway I go up to the bar to buy a round for our group. Scott gets up and comes over to say hello and give me the: "look who I am with", bullschit crap he does. Scotts biggest problem was his one-upmanship he played. It just killed him that Kat was my girlfriend. He dated her for about a month till Kat dropped him like an ugly step cousin. Said he had a serious Edipus complex. Which took over and controlled his life.


Scott: Teeeeeeeeeeej. I see you are with Kat still.

Me: Yep, same as Weds when you saw us at Cooper St. So I guess you are just stuck being a ready reserve.

Scott: Always with that sharp comment Teej. Such a witty boy to come from bumf**k Ohio.

Me: That's East Bumf**k Ohio to you sir. And your from San Franscico. Well you know what they say about boys from Frisco. Still in your uniform I see. Tell me do you sleep in that thing? Or do you wear it as a way to say look at me. I'm superduper.

Scott: Well do you see who I'm with.

Me: What you bought a hooker.

Scott: No I gave Tamara a private lesson today. And now we are going to get private.

Me: Hey Scott everybody has to lose their virginity sooner or later. Have fun Spartacus, but my money is on you getting nowhere as usual.


ASPEN" Please God let my car start! Part 9


Well the night at Andre's turned into a friggen "smoozing fest". The creme de la creme of Aspen showed up in Andre's around 11. I stood out like a sore thumb. Me standing there in my usual Levi's, basketball shoes, and sweatshirt. Hey it was a really nice designer sweatshirt that was popular in the 80's at anyrate.

Well not 30 minutes more goes by then Scotty and his Cougar "Tamara" ended up at our table. Scott was doing his best to impress, and he got shot down fast by all. Even his date was calling him "Spartacus" along with the rest of us. I still to this day know Scott believed we were complimenting him, when we were actually insulting him.

But still no matter what I did I couldn't get that little talking to my Boss's Carl and Jimmy gave me when I got off of work. I didn't do anything really wrong, but what I did do sure did freak them out alot. They grabbed me as soon as I got into the lockerroom. The word about the trail I skied down at the end of the day got passed around at the speed of light it seemed.


Jim: TJ could you come in here for a bit. We need to talk to you.

Now I'm basking in the glory of the run I just poached within viewing of all that were sitting on the deck of " Little Nells" bar. You see before the snows came I had hiked the mtn a few times. Then when some snows hit Aspen I noticed this sliver dropping down off of this nose that emptied out a the top of the Little Nells run that all the snow funnelled into. I knew when I first saw it that I was going to ski it. If you look on the Ajax trail map it just below "Silver Rush" (used to be called Independence) there is a Dear trail. Take east and follow it. You will find the chute.


Carl: TJ it's too early in the year for cowboy skiing already.

Me: What are you talking about. I just skied down.

Jim: TJ we have trails marked that all lifties must ski down at the end of the day.

Me: Jim I was never told of this. I was told to ski down the best way I could because Ruthies was having snow made on it.

Carl: But skiing "Motherload Chute" TJ. This friggen early. What were you thinking?

Me: Is that what they call it. I just spotted it loading with snow a month ago.

Jim: Ya TJ hence the name "Motherload". I bet you don't have any skis left do you. It's all rocked out with boulders, stumps, and a big mine shaft.

Me: Skis are fine. I didn't hit anything.

Carl: TJ not very many guys can ski that. We know you can. But if you cannot adhere to the rules we have then you will end up not lasting long.

Me: Sir I do follow rules. I just didn't know. I was not informed properly by my superiors.

Jim: It never does leave you does it TJ.

Me: Nope. I know the polite way to say "fukk you" to this day

Now I know you must be thinking that I got fired. Wrong. Actually we went and got a beer afterwards. But I was very lucky. I didn't know that there was a serious old mine shaft that followed that line. The reason it doesn't get skied untill very late in the year is so that there is enough snow to cover the entrance to the shaft. I jumped over the shaft luckily. But everyday after I skied down on the runs designated to be skied down at the end of the day by employees for the rest of my time there.

So anyway I end up going over to Little Nells bar to meet up with the others for an "After Work Beaverage". Guess who I ran into. Sparticus and his dream girl. It got commical fast.


Tamara: I heard you skied motherload today TJ. I quess you are unemployed now after skiing a closed trail.

Scott: There is no way he skied that. He isn't that good

to be cont

"ASPEN" Please God let my car start". Part 9 cont

Man ya know sometimes you just wanna not be bothered with. And for 30 minutes strait no matter who I talked to in that bar Scott was there 5 seconds later doing his usual "I can top this BS"


Me: Look Spartacus I'm not really in the mood anymore. You are a good skier Scott and so am I. Let's leave it at that because I'm not in the move for a competition with you. I just wanna ski.

Scott: Whatever TJ. I'm better a skier than you and you know it.

Me: OK Scott. You are a better skier than me. You can now commence to telling everyone in the bar that I said you are if it makes you happy. ::) ::)

Well you know what. The crazy idiot actually went around the Little Nell's bar telling people I said that. I really shouldn't have been surprised. But boy what a huge asp ego he had. Finally Kat showed up after she got off of work. She didn't have a great day either. So we decided to go to the Aspen Club to work out for awhile. Well she worked out. I just played basketball and stared at all of the perfect female "glutious maximus" walking around in those 80's neon thong outfits. And I do mean perfect. :o

Suddenly while on the treadmill staring at Kat on the stairmaster in her 80's neon thong outfit ;D I remembered the private party I was bartending for her sister the next day. So I decided that I really didn't want to go out that night because I had to work my shift on the mtn and then the party. And frankly I was tired. Fast life was taking it's toll just a bit and I really needed to slow the fukk down. Kat agreed and we just stayed in.

The next day was uneventful. Well except I was told I wasn't skiing down that day and I was riding the sled down with Chip. I expected that. But Jim told me the main reason I had to ride down with Chip was because the coverage from that side of Ajax back over to the gondola area was pretty bad, so that they were stopping all employees from skiing down that side for one week. So I took it in stride and wondered about the "Jill St John, Aspen Cookbook" party at 5pm. It should be quite the hoot. I wasn't disappointed. :D

So I skip the shift beers and head strait home. Shower, shave, and put on my preppy clothes. Then headed strait to Loretta's.

"WAGNER/ST JOHN PRIVATE PARTY" Was taped to the front door. I walked in and I was surprised that the place wasn't all done up and decorated in some gaudy celebrity colors. Boy was I wrong. There was none. Hell Loretta was going to be serving diner on the same paper plates she served to her normal local customers. Hmmm could I be wrong about Robert Wagner and Jill St John. Minus all the "Natalie Wood" jokes.


Loretta: Oh my God. You do dress up nice. Nice to see you in something other than a ripped up sweatshirt and Levi's.

Me: :D Nice to see you've got the cleavage action going well. Working for extra tips tonight ;)

Loretta: Yes and it is perfect cleavage. Does it bother you that I didn't share any with my little sister? :D

Me: No not at all. I like the fact that I can breath and not have to wear a helmet when having sex :P

Loretta: Smart asp.

And with that we continued to joke around and set up. At 7pm Robert Wagner, his 2 daughters, Jill St John, their Agent, and publicist walked through the door. Loretta and her brothers greeted them. Kat took orders, and then they all came to the bar where I was serving beer and Margarita's.

For the purpose of saving my figures from cramping, while typing out the dialog Robert Wagner = RJ, Jill St John = JSJ, Older Daughter =D1, youngest daughter = D2, Agent = Agt, Publicist =Pub


D1: I want a Margi now.

Me: Um is that a Margarita you want? And can I see your ID please.

D1: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy


SCHIT!!! She is calling daddy at the top of her ugly asp'd, stick figured, bleached blonde, skeletor voice. And no I'm not kidding one little bit at what she looked like. Complete with New Wave leather outfit that looked like something from a bad 80's B horror flick. Ooooooh she was so fetching. ::)

Right away Robert Wagoner's agent comes over with Loretta. Both are pissed. The party hasn't even started yet and I have a feeling I'm about to be told to go home.


Agt: What is the problem here?

Loretta: Yes TJ what is going on.

Me: Well she asked for a Margi and I asked for her ID. Loretta you know she must be 21 in order to drink in Colorado. And that bartender at the Tippler just got arrested for serving to miners. I'm just following the law. Now if Mr Wagner wants to take the drink and give it to her as her guardian that is what I will do. I was trying to explain this to her when she yelled Daddy.

Agt: Ok I completely understand. You were doing the right thing. She is only 16. [/i]

Boy you know this is when I was fully introduced how Hollyweird celebs kids think, feel, and act liked privileged idiots with very low IQ's. Well at least the older daughter did. The youngest did look like her mother, but very plain looking. And I've never seen a picture of her since. I imagine she turned out to be a beautiful women with a great personality.

[i]
RJ: Hi I'm Robert Wagner. ;D (insert celebrity charm smile here)

Me: Hi I'm TJ. What can I get you to drink Mr Wagner? Beer, Wine, Margarita?

RJ: Oh call me RJ, TJ. Sorry about the D1. Could you make me 2 non alcoholic Margarita's for D1 and my D2 little girl here. And I'll take a Dos XXX.

Ya know what. RJ was a pretty cool guy. Great sense of humor, and not to mention that he was married to the Bond Girl from "Diamond are Forever".

The rest of the evening went off fine. I got tipped $100 for my work. Actually the bar became the center point after a bit. It was a good time had by the guests and workers alike.

I did get RJ's autograph for my mom. He was pretty cool about it. And we were talking a bit when JSJ walked past me to the bathroom. And man I gotta tell ya. I still think about her in that bikini she wore in the Bond flick, and the pre-teen frustrations she caused alot of us. :D


:D :D

end of part 9

***Stayed tuned for part 10 covering the epic dumps of Dec that changed my world forever. 8-)

Well it's been awhile hasn't it? Sorry for not updating this sooner, but I haven't had much inspiration for writing lately. But maybe putting words to screen in a form to keep you all entertained might just be good karma for me.

Now mind you before these next chapters in my Aspen saga continue I must warn you all. I was turning into a dipschit for a bit during this time in my life. And I must be honest about it. Somethings you will most certainly want to call me a "dipschit" over. So please be fare. Remember this was a tremendous growing period for me. If it weren't for Aspen I wouldn't be here helping you all each and everyday. And with that I will begin.

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" oh schit

It's been twenty years. And fukk if I know why I turned left instead of right one Weds night. December 13th to be exact. Kat and I had been arguing for 2 days over basically nothing. Well yes it was over something. You see Kat was married, and I had just found out.

You know right now that still profoundly hurts.

Kat did not love the man. He didn't even live with her for the most part. She married him so he could stay in the country. He paid for her condo rent. His illegal nephew slept on the couch. Great kid. Well educated. I remember getting stoned with him and discussing biblical philosophies in regards to modern times. No I'm not pulling your leg. We really did. Or well, schit maybe we thought we did after the first joint got smoked.

Needless to say the entire "Kat Married" opera stung. I have to admit it pulled at my moral values. remember that term "moral values" later. nes pas Ummm I'll be back in five minutes. I need to think about this abit.

tic tic tic

Ok. I'm back. @@^$#ATDATYHA#$^&&%FYW% There it's out of my system. Oh I'm sure you are thinking I'm still mad about Kat being married to an illegal. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I'm mad at myself. Why? you ask. Because I was a stupid young boy that was afraid to love. Yes I was very much in love with Kat. But I was a young stupid kid too. And who in the hell is this very pretty naked brunette next to me and where in the hell am I?

5 days earlier

Work was very easy on this day of being a lifty. It had been snowing 2" an hour all night long with high winds. That meant instead of taking the sled up with Chip to the top of 1A I had to ride the Gondola up and wait until Patrol did avi control. And they needed to. On the western ridge of Ajax it gets alot of wind and it causes some snow clouds to stall dead in their tracks. Meaning the ridge above Aztec, and Norway (now known as Trainors) had to get blown out. It is also some of the sweetest OB skiing ever down the far ridge if you have the balls.

Anywho we all loaded up on the "gongula" and awaited our turns down dipsy doodle to chair Six for the ride up after Patrol did their avi work. And folks it was oh soooooooo sweeeeeeeeeettttttttttt. It was oh so deep, and light, and oh God yes yeS yES YES it was almost better than sex. Thigh deep blower. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


We get to chair six. Well I got to chair six and waited for everybody else. Seems most fell all over the place. Well basically there was supposed to be 6 patrollers with us. They were the avi crew. Well 4 of them got taken out by a few lifty's. It was the liftys that fell and got hurt. The patrollers were taking care of them. Things got delayed for and hour because of it. I helped open Chair 6 because the liftys that got hurt was supposed to work there.

Carl calls me on the radio.


Carl: TJ this is Carl come back

Me: Yes Carl

Carl: I need you to open chair six until I send someone down, then get to 1A asap fastest way possible.

Me: Yes Carl. I will follow the outlined descent marked trails for all lift operators to unsure my safe and speedy arrival at the top of 1A.

Carl: TJ get there as fast as possible. What way do you want to go to get there the fastest?


Of course I was like a cat that had a mouse trapped grinning ear to ear at the prospect of what my boss just said. Remember I got yelled at just a bit ago for skiing something I wasn't supposed to. So thoughts of sugar plumbs danced in my head at the gift that was just given to moi.


Me: Umm Carl I think the fastest would be to ski international to schillers. ;D

Now mind you all the Patrollers that are going to ride up the chair with me are just shaking their heads. I heard early season ski death terms tossed about a few times. Not for me mind you. For my skis. Frankly I didn't get it. But then I did. I just went outside of the Patrols political boundaries as far as stash/trail openings go. Long time patroller Howie was just looking at me grinning ear to ear.

Howie: damn TJ, you've got some balz. You were just given "carte Blanche" in front of patrollers, just so those big wigs get to come up and ski those runs privately before we open them at 10.

Me: Oh don't worry. I'll just keep to the very edge of the trail.

Howie: TJ you do that and it will cost you twice the amount of beers at Little Nell's tonight than it does already. You zipper that entire damn thing.

Me: OoooKKKK. I will, but why should I have to buy?

Howie: Because you are poaching the first big virgin storm and you are not a patroller yet. We have fines you know.


COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
I get to ski steep black runs of thigh deep fresh pow before the fat cat celebs do. And I got Howie's hint about zippering it. Patrollers get yelled at alot by the big management when some high rollers don't get their virgin pow. The patrollers were absolutely drooling at the thought of me being able to do something they would love to, because I was ordered to by my boss.

As I was pushing off they were all laughing, which faded away to the whoosh of snow going past my ears with each and every turn. It was early in the year so International wasn't all bumped out and I just gassed it fast and hard. Zippering gigantic high speed turns leaving wakes of cold smoke flowing behind me. I felt like, I felt like, HEAVEN. That run down International is still the greatest powder run of my life.

The rest of the day was a blur after that. It went by like nothing. But the end of the day was a weird soap opera/freaky party. I got called into Carl's office when I got down to the bottom after closing the chair. There waiting for me was Carl, the mtn manager Kirk, and the director of marketing Peter. All looked unhappy.


Carl: TJ sit down please.

Me: What's up Carl.

Peter: TJ do you know how much people pay to ski those runs on powder days?

Me: What runs? I was just told to ski as fast as possible down any way possible to open the top of lift 1A because some VIPs wanted up for private skiing. I just looked at the trail map and found the most direct route from the top of Chair 6, which was International to Schilling. I did as was instructed of me Sir!

Peter: We have marked trails for employees to follow.

Me: I pointed that out to my boss Carl. He declared openly on the radio for me to take the fastest possible way down immediately. You can ask Howie, Annie, and Tim the patrollers that were with me on the lift.

Peter: Is this true Carl.

Carl: Why yes it is. Kirk gave me the authority for TJ to ski down that way.

Kirk: Yes Peter I did. It must of slipped my mind about that while you were consistently whining in my ear about how long the avi clearing would take

Peter got the hint. I was a pawn in this soap opera. After Peter left I just said a polite thank you to Carl and Kirk for the freshies. They told me it would never happen again. Bummer I thought after wards. Guess I'll just have to stick to eying out my stash line in the bomb area. Oh well that run deepened my soul as a skier.

So after my so called small asp chewing I headed to "Little Nell's" to pay my debt to the patrollers. I didn't pay for one beer. In fact they were all over joyed I still had a job. After I told them all what went on they just loved it. Kirk had hated Peter for a long time. Kirk got the mtn manager job over Peter.

We partied like crazy. god I was drunk. We did shooters of, hell you name it we drank it. And I mean everybody. People were still there partying in their ski boots at midnight. Then that fateful moment happened. I didn't feel good. Went outside to get some air. That didn't work so I went in to do another shot. Then discovered that I had to piss, but I was going home after wards. I felt this dark cloud of gloom come over me. I don't know why. But man I had to piss.

Back to the smelly urine soaked Little Nell's mens room stumbled/walked/stumbled. So I'm standing there taking a pee and I hear this voice.


Cougar: Hi remember me. Tammara.

Me: Hi Tammy and I'm taking a piss. View OK for you? Like a said: "Ahhhh Aspen" ;)


"ASPEN: God please let my car start" Part X

The nightmare named "Tammy" had begun. Only I didn't know it at the time. Yes she did very much hit on me in the mens room in the "Little Nells" bar. She made it quite clear what she had in mind. She wanted me naked right there in the bathroom. And I was very drunk, but I never thought twice about what I would do.

I turned her down. Actually I very politely turned her down. But she didn't want to take no for an answer. It seemed like I spent 5 minutes rebuttoning the buttons on my shirt that she was trying so hard to unbutton just as soon as I rebuttoned them.


Me: Tammy look I have a girlfriend. Knock it off!

Tammy: NO!!! I always get what I want.

Me: Not this time. I love Kat. Not you.

Tammy: Come on TJ. You can't leave me with noodle boy Scott.

Me: Yes I can.

And with that I started leaving the mensroom. And wouldn't you know it Scott was just walking in as I was walking out.

Me: She's all yours Scott and you really do need to get a leash for that wildcat, or work harder at making her happy

Now I didn't think to much about the mens room episode after that. I went back to the bar and drank with the rest of the gang. The night was uneventful after that. I took the "tippsy Taxi" home and didn't think twice about what went down. Boy I should have thought twice about Tammy's mensroom sexcapades, and the effects it could cause. Because that mens room "bad porn scene" action almost sent me on a downward spiral I might not have come out of.

I finally got back to my apt and stumbled into bed. I watched the snow falling outside my window before falling off to dream world. I didn't mind the fact that I was only going to get 5 hours of sleep before work the next day. I was in Paradise and it was snowing. Besides it was Christmas Eve morning after all. Life seemed perfect for me at that moment.


Andy: TJ, TJ, do you know what day it is?

Huh, what? Ok where am I? I'm in a white van with everybody asking me what day it is. I can't move a thing on my body and my head is taped to something.


Andy: TJ DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?

Me: damn Howie you don't have to yell at me. It's Thursday. Christmas day now let me up I have to go get my mom and brother at the airport.

Andy: TJ it's me Andy. And it is Weds not Thurs. It's Christmas Eve. You have a concussion, and we are taking you to the hospital.

Hmmmm. OK what has happened. Why am I going to the hospital. Well they started filling the in the pieces. It had snowed alot that night. And I was swimming in Powder trying to open the top of lift 1A. Now normally we clean the cow catchers when the lift isn't running. The cowcatchers are those ramps just before you unload incase you catch your tips before getting off. Keeps you from a long fall.

However, the supervisor that day told me to clean the cowcatchers while the lift was running, and that she was going to help me because of all of the snow. Which I thought was great that she was going to help me. But all she did was watch me, while she chatted on the radio. Well after dodging chair after chair going just centimeters above my head I got the cowcatcher cleaned. I asked the supervisor for a hand up. She said she was busy on the radio.

Now those cowcatchers are painted slick slanted plywood. And I do mean slick, especially with snow on them. Well to make a long story short I had just gotten to the top of the cowcatcher when the supervisor decided she could help me. She helped me alright. When she turned towards me she knocked me back into the cowcatcher causing me to slip and hit my head on the chair being towed by at 20mph. It knocked me out cold. That is why I was going to the hospital.

So I show up at the Aspen Valley Hospital in the patrol ambulance. I had x-rays done. They thought I had a broken neck so I got shipped down to the Glenwood Springs hospital for a CAT scan. The CAT scan showed no fracture but they kept me in the hospital over night. When they put me in a room I called Kat immediately.


Me: Hey kitty I'm in the hospital. I got a consussion at work. I'm in room 104A

Kat: Good I hope you die!

Me: Funny.

Kat: No I hope you die. I ran into Scott. He said you screwed Tammy in the mens room at Little Nells last night. We're through.

Me: You have got to be kidding. You are going to believe that? You are going to believe what Scott said before you even ask me about it or hear my side.

Kat: I don't need to hear any other side. It's happened to me before. I knew better than to date a skibum.

Me: Look I'm in the Hospital. The least you could do is come talk to me in person.

Schit. I can't believe she doesn't trust me enough and believes that piece of schit Scott, which has been dying to get into her pants since the dawn of skibunnydom. :-/

What was I going to say to her? What a 24hrs I have had. First I almost lose my job, only to be treated like a hero. Now I'm losing my girlfriend. I felt like a long lost episode from tke "Days of Our Lives" soap opera on TV. What is going to happen next for me?

To be cont

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part X


Well I had been in my hospital room for about 2hrs and no Kat came calling. I was mad as hell, but there was nothing I could do about the situation. I was ready to beat the schit out of Scotty-boy the next time I saw him. But then it hit me, and I mean it hit me hard. It was what was in Kat's statement about me being a ski bum that tore at my gut.

I realized that no matter what I do she will equate me with being a dirt bag ski bum. Frankly I think the term ski bum is a great thing. But to her it was a material world. I didn't think she was that way at all. She seemed so comfortable in my ski bum world. But her slip of the tongue brought to the forefront that I was just entertainment to get her by until she found someone better. Someone of more fiscal stature. The irony about things was that she was a ski bum too. She did after all marry and illegal alien that paid for her condo to help her stay in Aspen. If that isn't a ski bum move I don't know what is.

Frankly ski bums don't have many material belongings that amount to saying: " look at me I have way cool schit so I must be rich". My material life was skis, boots, ski clothes, clean socks/ underwear, apt, car, and my stereo. I didn't even own a TV when I got there. I didn't care to own a TV to be honest with you. If I wanted evening entertainment I just went and sat on a bench in the Mill St pedestrian mall and watched the "TOURIST TV" :D

As time slipped by while I was feeling sorry for myself. The door to my hospital room swung open and then entered Kat wearing a evening gown of all things with a McDonald's bag. I figured the gown was for the big Christmas Eve party at the Hotel Jerome. Only the "who's who" of Aspen got invited to this event. I guess she thought bringing me a big mac and fries would soften the blow.


Kat: TJ I am sorry. I ran into Tammara and she told me that you would do nothing.

Me: What's the dress for?

Kat: I'm going to the Jerome party.

Me: So much for spending Christmas Eve with me huh!

Kat: But you're in the hospital.

Can you believe that schit. It still floors me that she said that when ever I think about it. I mean I felt like I just got planted six feet under and my Widow couldn't wait to get out and PAAARRRRTAAAYYYY.


Me: Kat you let me know in your ski bum remark that I am a class below you. Take your burger and fries and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Kat: TJ NO!. It's just stupid remark and I'm sorry. I'll see you in the morning when you get out of the hospital and we can get back to being normal.

Me: Kat if you were in the hospital tonight where would I be?

Kat: You would be here of course.

Me: And you are going to a party. Goodbye Kat

We both talked a bit longer and cried. But the damage was done. God it still hurts. Funny thing how irony works. Kat and I still love each other quite a bit years later, and we always will. Unfortunately when we did finally get our schit together we were never single at the same time for us to be together. But she is very happy now. She is married with 2 children to a great guy. damn if sometimes I don't wish it was me. :-/

Well the next morning I was being discharged from the hospital and was told to take the next two days off work by the Doctor. Smitty one of the lift supervisors came to pick me up. He was glad I was alright. I just wanted to go home to bed. But wait I had to turn around and pick up my mom and brother flying in from Ohio at the airport around 1pm. Geez. Am I ready to deal with Gage and Mom in my little apt for a week? Heh are we ever ready to deal with siblings and parents staying at your house on vacation?

Now if you want entertainment just hang out in the Aspen Airport and watch what kind of people get off of those jets. Mostly it was wealthy people mixed in with the occasional hollyweird celebrity who's TV show got canceled 3 years earlier. I got a kick out of seeing three of the actors from the show "Dynasty" get off of the same bird. Aspen, go figure!

to be cont

OK guys. I'm going to publish a book. But I don't have a clue how to do it. And actually I don't have the time to figure it out. Figure out how to self publish, because that is the only way it can be done and I want more control over editing.

Now a few editors have read my stuff and they say it is great. My writing is very crisp is what they say. But like I said I need you guys help figuring this out.

Now I will finish the Aspen story very quickly now. For a couple of reasons. Mostly for your entertainment, but also so I can work on this past year's experiences for the book. As well as other short stories like experiences with the Toledo Ski Club at their lodge up at Boyne Mtn when I was a member. All those and many more stories will be included. I figure it will be about 200 pages. Perfect for parkas, packs, and planes. And with that I will begin.

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part X cont

So I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for my moms plane to arrive. The reason I was waiting and waiting was because everything was on a weather hold. It was figgen dumping with high winds. But a window opened up and I found out my moms plane wouldn't arrive for another hour, so off to the bar I went. Guess who was bartending? Coke dealing Kevin. Same bartender from the day I went through the Skico hiring clinic. I guess he wanted to get to his customers sooner as the reason he was relocating jobs. I soon found out differently.

Kev: Teej. What's ya having buddy.

Me: Hey Kev. Just give me a bud.

Kev: Sorry man. We don't carry bud here. Just Heineken, Mich, Mich lite, Amstel light, Becks.

Me: Ya, ya just give me a Mich. It's just bud anyway.

And then it happened. Same as the first time I met him. Plane landed. I counted 9 people that paid Kevin a visit from that plane. Mostly women. Ordered a drink for a $100 and a little white bindle came back with their change. It was that smooth.

Me: Kev man I gotta ask you. Aren't you ever worried about getting caught? It ain't no secret around town what you do. And now in the airport. You got balls man. I would be scared to death.

Kev: Relax TJ. I got it wired. A city official brings it in.

Kevin was not bullschitting me one little bit. But like sex all good things must come to an end. Kevin's city official was actually the "Aspen City Manager" and he got busted big time. Kevin disappeared one night and nobody to this day knows what happened to him. I figured he got himself dead just like the guy that got blown up in his Jeep outside of the Tippler because he was testifying to save his sorry asp. Well "BOOM WENT THE DYNAMITE" and pieces of him went flying for a block. No I'm not kidding.

Ok back to the topic at hand. It's Christmas Day and I'm at the Airport Lounge for God's sake watching Kevin sell coke to people wearing fur. It was like a bad MTV music video, back when MTV actually showed music videos. I half expected David Lee Roth to come jumping out of the bar's popcorn machine at any moment. Or maybe, maybe my life at the moment seemed like a bad MTV music video. Either way I just did what I always do. I just sat back and became an observer of what my reality was at that moment and enjoyed the view.

After 2 more beers I could spot which people were from what region of the country, if not world. New Yorkers all wore fur and beooched at everybody. The Hollywierd crowd all looked like they were going to have a panic attack if they didn't get everything done their way. I watched this one soap opera actor almost pass out because the foam on his cappuccino wasn't done correctly. Midwesterners always said please or excuse me. I found that amazing.

Well finally my mom's plane touched down. Now it was great seeing my mom on Christmas Day. But my brother Gage on the other hand is a completely different feeling. He's a great to visit with for a couple of hours but after that you just want to kick his ego centric over opinionated ass all over the place. And he was going to be staying with me in my little studio apt for a week. He was a last minute deal and my mom just begged me.

So they come in the gate. My mom is hugging me and crying. Gage is just standing there.

Gage: So mom says you can get me a deal on some skis. Let's go do that first.

Me: Well Merry Christmas to you too. We'll talk about it later. Hi mom. Merry Christmas

Well two hours of getting the luggage and Gage's beooching. And more pregnant doging. Well maybe it wasn't that much beooching, but you have to remember I just got out of the hospital with a concussion and I broke up with my girlfriend. (start the country music now please, ugh)

Well I get them into my apt and we unpack them. My mom went to take a shower so that left Gage and me alone. A silence was broken when Gage almost put me in a rage.

Gage: Hey TJ can I talk to you a minute.

Me: Sure what do you need.

Gage: You think you can help me sell this while I'm here?

That's when he showed me what was in the bottom of his suitcase. A half pound of pot. The son-o-beooch packed a half pound of pot in his suitcase and put my mother at risk.

to be cont

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part X cont

So I'm standing there looking at said bag of weed in my brothers suitcase trying to contain my rage. I couldn't believe he would jeopardize our mother that way. Worse yet what was the rest of week going to be like until he left Jan 2nd. A Valium addiction seemed surprisingly pleasant to me at that point I must admit.

I bit my tongue and quickly changed the subject to getting him some skis as a way to bring some calmness to the situation. This would buy me some time to think about this weed problem and what I should do. At least I hoped it would. And it did. I mentioned skis and Gage lit up right away. Subject officially change, we're going to get some skis.


Me: OK mom said you need skis, boots, and bindings. So I hooked you up with a pair of 200cm Pre Premiers with Salomon 647 bindings and Nordica N951 boots. Costs you $300 for the entire package deal.

Gage: 300 bucks. That is the cheapest you can do. I could have gotten that back home at Mtn Man ski shop in Toledo.

Me: Well then by all means flap your arms back to Mtn Man's in Toledo and buy them and ski Mt Brighton. Because I'll tell ya what. If mom didn't beg me to let you come here I would have said no fukking way. But you are my brother and it is Christmas. I have you hooked up with a top notch ski package. It would cost you way over $1000 at Mtn Man.

Gage: Well you don't have to get mad about it. Wouldn't you want the best deal if you were spending a bunch of money.

Me: Gage I'm your big brother. Not a used car salesman. I just got out of the hospital this morning with a concussion and my head friggen hurts. I want this week to be a good time. Do you want this week to be a good time or not.

Gage: Yes TJ I do. I'm sorry, so can we go get my skis and lift tickets.

Me: We'll get your boots fitted so they can mount the skis, and then get your lift tickets. I have 3 one day vouchers and 2 half day vouchers. You will have to pay the difference in the 2 half days. It will cost you basically $40 for a 5 day lift ticket.

Gage: Great. Wanna burn one before we go.

Me: Yes and it better be a big one with all the schit you brought with you. And you should be very nice to me for all I've done for you already. HINT

So we go get into my Ford escort and head to the ski shop at the base of Buttermilk where all SkiCo employees had to go to buy their gear. Gage's boots fit great so the skis got mounted to be picked up in the morning. And off we headed for the "lets burn a joint cruise while driving the back mtn roads of Aspen" tour. So we did.

With "Rush's: All the Worlds a Stage" playing on the cassette deck (it's the 80's remember) we headed back to the Maroon Bells going past Aspen Highlands and then having to turn around by the T-Lazy7 dude ranch. We stopped by the old bridge and actually had a pretty cool conversation. Well pleasantly cool by Gage's and my standards at any rate. It was weird at that bridge though. Kat and I had hung out there a few times. I was still numb from that. Actually I was pretty numb from the weed. I hadn't smoked that much since moving here and at altitude it really hits you.

**KURRRRR-SPLASH*** OMG. I looked over and Gage was in the river. He got up to walk towards the car when I did, but he got a head rush and slipped in the river falling flat on his ass in about a foot of icy roaring fork water. Karma baby, karma. It can hit you hard. I guess karma was pissed at Gage for his "attitude at altitude" you could say. Either way I damn near fell in the river myself from laughing so hard while helping him up. But I was milking it and helping him very slowly to extend his "shrinking ball sack from freezing water" nightmare alittle longer. hehehehe
[img]http://www.picvault.info/images/155163_aspenpic12.jpg[/img]
(picture taken not 5 minutes before this happened)

I got him back to the car and pulled my emergency clothes out of my pack and had him strip right there. 4 cars went by and honked at him. Gage was his usual self and flipped them the bird. I knew I would have to give him an education about the locals here and skibum culture in general.


Gage: What's so damn funny that they are honking at me?

Me: They aren't laughing at you. Most likely they were poaching runs off of the back side of Highlands out of bounds and they were changing clothes outside of their cars a few minutes ago. They think that is what you were doing. It was their way of giving you a high five.

Gage: Oh I didn't know.

Me: Gage it is a different world here. Think Ozzie and Harriet politeness with a pothead spin on it. That is skibum culture to some extent. They are the nicest people on earth and will do anything for anybody because they have been through hard times too. People really depend upon one another here just to survive.

Gage took what all I had to say in. That was the cool part of our conversation. He acutally listened for a change. It was quite refreshing. I took it as a Christmas gift from him because I knew the cheap skate never got me one. Well Gage got changed and we headed back. We ended up picking up this one kid that was a lifty at Highlands hitchhiking off of the road. His name was Ethan and he skied a very secret stash line down after he closed his lift. It is so secret I won't even mention it to this day. Anyway I figured we needed the karma points so I picked him up. And we got Karma points for sure. Ethan cooked 3 nights a week at the popcorn wagon. I didn't pay for a chili dog ever again while Ethan was working at the Popcorn Wagon that entire season.

Well the rest of the night was uneventful. We went to Little Annie's for dinner and it was killer as usual. Took my mom for a sleigh ride and then home. I needed sleep but they wanted to watch the TV that Doug from downstairs was letting me use while they were visiting.

I didn't really watch TV. I just kept looking outside. It was dumping. And I do mean dumping. It was supposed to clear off just before dawn. We were going to ski Buttermilk the next day to get Gage his ski legs. I didn't care. It was supposed to be blue bird sky's, cold temps, and 12-18" of fresh blower. MERRY CHRISTMAS indeed.

[img]http://www.picvault.info/images/155165_aspenpic15.jpg[/img]
(picture taken at Buttermilk. we got 2nd chair on tiehack")

to be cont

"ASPEN: God Please let my car start" part X cont


Well the alarm went off at 6am. My head was still killing me. I most likely should not have been skiing, but since we were skiing Buttermilk I felt I shouldn't be in any danger. Beside the Tiehack side of Buttermilk was always empty. And I do mean empty. Buttermilk may be a beginners mtn, but the eastern side has some serious expert runs to it. Well that and the backside OB down to the road. Hehehehe

Well getting Gage up and going was another experience. The kid never liked to get up even as a kid. In fact he was a serious pain in the ass getting up in the morning. But all I had to say was "powder and lets get your new skis" and he was ready to go.

So we walk down to the bus stop. I left my car for my mom in case she wanted to go tooling around. The bus came at 7am and we were at Buttermilk 15 minutes later. We walked over to the Inn and had breakfast. They did have a killer breakfast buffet there. The only problem was that you had a tendency to eat to much and get sluggish before you even started skiing. Gage powered down 3 full plates. I just kept my mouth shut because I knew he would be "spewing stew" in about an hour after his first run. He's never skied pow before. The carnage should be spectacular.

So we get the very first chair at the base quad. Hang a left at the mid station for the cat track to the Tiehack side. It took us 20 minutes to get there because Gage was take one turn and fall. Then take another turn and fall. By the 4th fall he was unzipping everything. I was getting frustrated. Unfortunately he never spewed chow.

Me: So are you ready to listen to me?

Gage: Yes. What should I do?

Me: Quit freaking out and thinking you have to snow plow. Put your skis together and build some speed. After you have built some speed sit your butt down alittle bit and lean to the direction you want to turn. Then stand up and start over again when you want to turn the other direction.

Gage: What about my poles. Don't you want me to keep my shoulders square.

Me: Just do this and we'll worry about the rest later. We'll practice on this green run until the chair. The chair doesn't open until 9am so we have time.

Gage: My boots feel huge.

Me: Well tighten them down then. We showed you how to adjust them last night like 10 times. Seriously just slow it down a bit.

Gage: Can we smoke a joint TJ?

Me: Gage if you have to smoke a joint before you ever attempt to do something that can challege you then you should be buried in a couch when you die. Besides it is a powder day and we don't have the time. And I would rather have you be alert OK.

Gage: OK, I just need to relax.

Me: You are in Aspen on a powder day. Gage it doesn't get any more relaxing than that.

Now I know what you are thinking. So much for my blue bird powder day. You are wrong. Gage is a motocross racer and has a very good sense of balance. He was making pretty good turns within an hour. So we just tore it up. We got second chair on Tiehack and got in 5 untracked runs before anybody else other than ski patrol showed up on that side. Like I said sometimes on powder days the Tiehack side of Buttermilk is where it is at. Nobody pays any attention to it. In fact we hit the lift line on the west side of Buttermilk all afternoon and we were the only guys doing it.

[img]http://www.picvault.info/images/155168_aspenpic14.jpg[/img]
(taken around 2pm that day)


Gage: TJ I couldn't understand why you came here. Well I do now.

Me: Gage I know and thank you. But this is just a good day and you are here to enjoy it. But life here has the same ups and downs as back home. But fukk man the skiing makes anything tolerable.

Gage: I imagine so. Think I can get a maintenance job here.

Me: *cough cough* Hey lets do the DH race top to bottom like we used to at Mt Brighton

As kids Gage and I would always end the day doing a couple of tuck runs down to the lodge until our lift tickets ran out, or Mr Liske from school came to drag us back to the bus. Mostly dragged it was. But we took off racing just like when we were kids. Laughing and talking schit back and forth all the way down. It was so cool.

It wasn't really a straight DH coursewe did. We first did a ski down to figure our course out. Hey we were stoned and crazy, but not stupid. We started off on Savio, to Lovers Lane, then hard right onto Homestead Road following around the hairpin turn then take a hard right on Columbine to the first slow signs at the base.

Loser has to buy the Pitchers of beer. Gage bought 2 pitchers that day. We were going to go for a 3rd lap until we kinda got yelled at a bit. So we decided not to push it. damn one shy of a hattrick. Besides the bar was calling our names. Unfortunately just like when we were kids there was my mom waiting for us at the bottom. I felt like I was back home when it was getting dark, and mom was making me come inside before the other boys had too.

Mom: Thought you boys might like a ride. I'm done shopping.

Me: Um mom we were going to get a beer.

Mom: Great I'll buy.

Me: No Gage will. He lost again.

Mom: How many did you take him for.

Gage: He beat me twice. But I aways beat you in motocross.

Me: Yes you did. I'll give you that. But you are on skis now and they only sell expensive beer here. Amstel sounds good to me. It's $8 a pitcher (it was the 80's remember)

So off and over to the Inn we go. And it was cougar heaven.

to be cont

ASPEN: "God please let my car start" part X cont

Yes indeedy. The Inn was cougar central. I was in my perfect environment. Day after break-up so let see which cougar wants TJ today. I was feeling fine. My brother picked up his powder turns and there were very attractive women everywhere. I was in my happy place.

But then things took a turn for the worse. 3 people that had directly influenced my break up with Kat all just walked in through the front door together. Those 3 people were Scott, Tamara, and sadly Kat. Scott was doing all he could to make it look like Kat was with him. She finally told him to fukk off. But Tamara and Kat were chatting like best friends. Which honestly made me wonder "what the fukk" just a bit. Maybe Tamara was double checking my shoe size with Kat after her bathroom staring job a few days before. I know most likely not, but allow me this one little male fantasy. However, my gut was telling me that Tamara was pumping Kat for info pretending to be her best friend BS. I knew this was what she was doing because Kat went to the bathroom and Tamara bought my table a pitcher on the sly.

I don't really know who Tamara was trying to fool. Kat was a high profile girl. And by now everybody knew we had broken up. Everybody also knew it was over bullschit. I got set up by Scott because he wanted Kat. Yes I know it sounds like some bad Thursday night TV series plot. But that was the way it was. I hurt like hell seeing Kat. It still hurts when I think about that day.

Well the pitcher arrived. My Mom and Gage new what was going on because they could tell by how my demeanor had changed when Kat walked in with Scott and Tamara. They pressed me about what was going on. So I filled them in on the last 48hrs. Now you have to remember my Mom was the first female foreman in General Motors history. She won't take schit off of nobody. It shocked me what happened next. Mom took Tamara's pitcher and walked it back over to Tamara's table where Scott, Kat, and 5 or 6 others from the "pretty people clique" were sitting. Mom went strait for Scott. I felt sorry for the poor boy. Well no I didn't. I was enjoying every bit of what my Mom was about to do. She was a pro at taking guys down a peg or two.

Mom: Hi I'm Jerri. TJ's mother. I just want to say that I bet you have a size 2 shoe.

With that she poured the entire pitcher in Scott's crotch. Not on Scotts head, but on his crotch. Everybody was laughing as she did it. Scott didn't know what to do. Here was this short 5'1" chubby woman that basically told him she could kick his ass. The remark she said next was priceless.

Mom: There now you have a size 1 shoe. Actually I bet that is your originally shoe size. We all know how men like to exaggerate the length of their shoe size. In your case that would be ski boot.

It was the funniest damn thing I've ever heard my mother say. And she can come up with some doozy's. Scott couldn't do a thing but run to the mens room hoping that the Inn had a hot air hand dryer otherwise he would be stuck with a size 1 shoe the rest of the night. Infact someone, gosh who could it be? Well got a nickname started for Scott calling him: "Baby shoes". Man if you ever wanted to get him pissed off, and many people did. Well just call him: "Mr. Babyshoes" and that was all it took.

After a bit Kat got up and walked over to me. I told her to leave me alone and she left. Tamara on the other hand dropped a napkin off on my lap as she followed. The napkin had her phone number on it circled in red lips. The woman had no morals at all. But she did have a great ass.


Mom: TJ I know this hurts you. But a girl that can't make up her mind like that is bad news. You are better off without her.

Me: Mom Kat is a beautiful women and has never been told no before. That is the only reason she came over here. She's a hot woman and I'm sure she will find some rich guy she wants to be with other than a skibum.

Mom: Is that what it is. She got mad and pulled out the money card.

Me: Well in a nut shell yes and no. But she made it known to me what class she thought I belonged in. She took it back later but the damage was done. I can't go through a relationship wondering "what does she really feel about me" all the time. Time heals all wounds. Besides there are alot of beautiful women in Aspen

Well my Mom wanted to do what all moms want to do and take the conversation to a deeper level with her little boy to help ease his pain. I didn't want to do that. Frankly I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I had to go back to work the next day. Luckily it was for only one day and then I had my normal 2 days off after that. I was really looking forward to those 2 days off after seeing the extended weather report. Another storm was supposed to hit the following night. Hell Ajax already had a 57" base and it was just a couple of days after Christmas. Some old timers were comparing this Dec to the December of 83 where it snowed for 3 weeks strait.

Well we got home. There was a note from Kat on my door to call her right away. I decided not too. I needed to think about it some more. Clay and George (2 ski instructor friends that lived upstairs) came walking in and asked if I wanted to burn a joint with them. I accepted as soon as they asked. I needed to basically be distracted by sitting with my fellow "SKIBUMS" catching a buzz and talking about skiing of course.


Clay: So Teej. Word on the street is that you can Kat are done.

Me: Yes. Clay if you don't mind I really don't want to talk about it. Big storm is supposed to hit tomorrow night late. I'm going to take my brother up to Hanging Valley and make him piss his bibs. Wanna come.

Clay: Can't it is Stephanie's day off and we are skiing together.

Me: So things are going good with you and Steph then. The Great Clay is finally settling down.

Clay: Well from what I've been told you would pick up the slack with no problem. Hell every female ski instructor keeps asking me about you when they found out I lived above you. You've made an impression whether you like it or not.

Me: Names and phone numbers Clay. Names and phone numbers.

George: Hey Teej I'll go. I'll bring Breck and Adam too. Hey Clay can I use your truck since you will be with Steph. We'll park it on the backside road leading to Buttermilk and ski the OB off of Elk Camp down to your truck at the end the day.

Clay: Wow George that is a great idea. Tell ya what Steph and I will go with you guys. Should be a great day.

So plans were made for skiing Hanging Valley wall in Snowmass on my first day off. I still had to get through tomorrow at work though. Should be easy right. Heh right!

to be cont

ASPEN: "God please let my car start" part X cont

Well I got to work the next morning and I felt great. Funny how a good nights sleep can do wonders for the soul. It most certainly did for me. My headache was gone at least. And to be honest. It wasn't to bad having my mom and Gage staying with me. Although it had only been two nights so far, my inner voice was saying "give it time, give it time"

Gage was going to be skiing with Doug my downstairs neighbor at Aspen Highlands today. That kind of bugged me, because I hadn't skied Aspen Highlands since it opened. My little brother was going to beat me to that and I'm sure to hear about it later tonight. Why you ask? Because I mentioned that fact to Doug last night when he asked me if Gage was a good enough skier to join him. Like I said. I'm sure I would hear an epic story later on.

Well I got to work. Right away I get called into Smitty's office. Now I knew I would be. Hell I just got done going into the hospital on a work related injury. There would be all kinds of forms to fill out. So I went in and stood in front of Smitty's desk while he was on the phone with Charlie the maintenance guy that lives in the apt under Ruthie's. tic tic tic the time went by.


Smitty: TJ glad to see you are up and doing OK. You won't be skiing until the doctor clears you so Chip will take you down from the top of 1A today when the mtn closes. Now before you get upset about this it is protocol, so bare with us until the Doctor clears you.

Me: OK. I understand

Chip: Teej you ready to go.

And with that Chip and I headed out to the skidoo for the ride up to the top of 1A for the start of another normal day in OZ. Boy was I wrong. I get outside and there is a patrol sled tied to the back of the skidoo with a sign that reads: "Just in case TJ gets another boo boo". To make matters worse there was a helmet painted pink for me to wear on the ride up.


Me: Very fukking funny you clowns. Very funny.

Chip: Sorry TJ but you have to wear the helmet.

Me: Like hell I do. I might take a schit in it later though.

Smitty: TJ you have to wear the helmet until the Doctor clears you.

Schit, damn, fukk. I've been had I tell you. I've been had. They got me good. I'm sure all of you are just imagining the site of me riding in the back of a skidoo wearing a pink spray painted helmet. I looked like Chips "gay skidoo biker beoch" bouncing on the back end of that skidoo going up the mtn. I could still hear the laughters echoing up the mtn 2000' up when I arrived at the top of lift 1A. I must have been a site. I just got put into Ajax folklore, and it sure as hell wasn't the way I had imagined it.

When I got off of the skidoo I noticed Charlie the maintenance guy had already cleared the cowcatchers out for me. I was surprised by this, but Charlie filled me in on why he was there.


Me: Charlie what gives. Why are you doing this.

Charlie: Well seems when you were told to clean them out while the lift was running was a big no no. Legal memo was put out about it right away. SkiCo lawyers even talked to all of the supervisors and us maintenance guys.

Me: You mean they think I'm going to sue over this.

Charlie: Yep. Val completely broke the rules telling you to do that. She's in some hot water.

Me: What about me. Am I in hot water?

Charlie: TJ you did nothing wrong, so don't worry about it.

Me: Charlie I'm not the suing type so would you pass that along. It just happened. That's all.

And with that Ed called me up to check our stops to start the lift up. We finished our stops and got the lift turning. And I had a great day of work it turns out. You see since I ran the top of 1A I got to meet, see alot of skiing celebs everyday. I say skiing celebs because they were there to ski. When a celebrity is there to ski they take 1A up in the morning to not be noticed. If they want to be noticed they take the VIP line at the Gondola when there is a long line up so everybody must look at them and take pictures. That is it in a nutshell. It seems a few 1A celeb regulars missed my presence Christmas morning.


Martina: TJ. Merry Chrismas. I missed you on Christmas Morning. Come here I have some mistletoe I must have a kiss

I'll let you figure out who Marty is.

to be cont

ASPEN: "God please let my car start"

Well Martina Navratilova gave me my Christmas kiss and a gift certificate to Aspen Sports. Now back then is when she was royally coming out of the closet. But I will tell you what. I've seen that woman in a bathing suit and that body is smoking hot. Besides she is a pretty cool lady.


Marty: So TJ do I get a kiss on New Years Eve too?

Me: Marty I would kiss you anytime you wanted me too.

Marty: Such flattery. My girlfriend will be jealous now.

Me: Well I'll kiss her to if you want.

Marty: Ah TJ you naughty naughty boy. You make riding this lift much more fun to start my day. They should pay you more.

Me: I wish. But the fringe benefits of running this lift makes up for it. Merry Christmas Marty.

Well for the next hour nothing really happened. Then what I like to refer to as "the woman"was coming up the lift line. Now this lady has come up my lift everyday at 9:30am. And she was simply stunning. And everyday she rode the lift up I would hit the slow button just before she got off of the chair to extend admiring her beauty for just a few more seconds. She was that stunning.

I didn't find out her name until two days before I left for boot camp later in the season. Everyday I would slow the lift and she would blush. We would say some kind of flirty remarks and laugh. It really did help to make my day happier just seeing her. And don't get me started about what she looked like in Stretch pants. Personally I think this is where loose jibber pants got invented. Because I promise you that you would have a boner just watching her ski in those things.

Well the day went uneventful after that. I just watched one happy butt after another unload off of Chair 1A. Enjoying another beautiful day in Aspen. Before I knew it the day was over. We flipped all of the seats back up and called last chair. Another day done. Then Chip showed back up with my pink helmet. A few things have been added however. Such as flowers, kotex, ducttape, and other schit. I decided to deflate Chips joy of extending his little joke.


Me: Fukking sweet helmet man. Please tell me that we can grab a camera real quick at the bottom.

Chip: Ummmm, you are not mad or anything.

Me: Oh hell no. I love it. Just what I would have done.

And with Chips puzzled look I put on said helmet of honor and we drove to the bottom of the mtn at the Gondola. Right in front of everybody apre partying at Little Nell's. Some didn't quite know what to think about my pink decorated helmet. But after I got off of the sled and took a few bows I got quite a few free beers later.

Well I got back to my apt. My mom had cooked spaghetti for what seemed like 20 people in the Holiday House apts. It was a blast. It was one giant Christmas Spagetti diner. Mom gave the skibums in those apts a sense of home with their own moms for a week. It was really special to witness how it touched peoples lives. Sharing my mom with friends that couldn't be with their moms was the perfect Christmas present for all.

And the dinner was killer. Besides I was going to need the energy for Hanging Valley tomorrow. That area of Snowmass had been open for a week because of all of the snow we had received. We all couldn't wait. My mom had packed lunches for all 7 of us that would be going. So while everybody said their goodnite and went to bed. I went outside to get some air. It was snowing again. And it was snowing friggen hard. I knew I would sleep like a baby in dream land and then I would wake up to a dream day.

buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz


Me: Gage get up. Time to go ski fresh
And like a bolt of lightning Gage was up and ready to go. I didn't even get to finish saying: "time to go ski fresh powder" and he was ready. I dressed and went up stairs to make sure George and Clay were ready. Clay left to stay with Stephanie last night. George was going to pick up Adam. Breck was going to meet us at the rodeo parking lot with Clay and Steph.


George: TJ follow me to Adams and then to drop the truck off.

Me: Sure but it is going to be tight in my car.

George: Well you don't have to worry about our skis because they are at the instructor locker room.

Me: No worries. I don't think HV will be open until after patrol bombs it good. Maybe around 10:30 or so it might open. Same thing for the Cirque. I think we should start by skiing the runs off of Sam's and big-burn first.

George: Ya that is exactly what we were thinking last night. Garrets should be great too.

Me: Hey it's 6:30 we better get rocking.

And with that we were off. Gage was pretty nervous. He had never skied anything like this. Doug scared him pretty good at Highlands yesterday. Like I said his knuckles were white in my car. So I decided to be big brother and cut him some slack.


Me: If you don't fall you haven't skied.

Gage: What? What are you talking about.

Me: If you haven't tried your best and fallen several times then you haven't skied hard. Relax about today. You are a good skier. I'll be there with you each turn.

Gage: Ya right. This comes easy to you. Dammit TJ all sports come easy to you.

Me: Hey take it easy. I'm scared too. But that is what makes it fun too. But I'll tell ya what. When skiing in the back county ski it like it is a moto cross course. Seriously. Pick a line with a bunch of terrain bumps and pillows in it. And imagine it a moto course with camel jumps, table tops and all. Then let the world be your oyster.

Gage: Seriously. Ski it like it is a moto cross course. Are you serious?

Me: Yes I'm serious. Your skiing position is exactly the same as the way you sit on the bike. Seriously just visualize it before you push off. I'll be right on your butt so make it so I cannot catch you and you will be fine.

Well we met up with everyone at the rodeo lot. Everybody but Gage and I had to get their gear at the locker room, so we went to the timbermill and had breakfast really quick. We got the continental side of the buffet. Gage learned his lesson on the first day.

Finally we all load up to go up. We were actually 3rd in line before the Coney Glade quad opened up. I still couldn't believe the snow report. 14" of fresh and still falling. Maybe Hanging Valley might not open with all of this snow and still falling. The cirque most likely won't be open at all with all of this snow. So we decided to warm up on a few of the big burn trails and then just let things happen until we knew for sure what was going to open up. Then boom went the dynamite.

"and that sounds hot"- Glen Plake from the ski movie "Blizzard of Ahh's"

And it did sound hot. We started off by just smoking Sneaky's. Man it was brilliant snow. Light and waist deep. We were choking on it the snow was so deep. Gage was indeed skiing it like a motocross course. So were the rest of us. The day was going to be killer. We were all on top of our game. Fukk piss breaks. Fukk the stops, we are skiing God's most wonderful dandruff. Take no prisoners and just ski. Fukking yeeee haaaa

to be cont


ASPEN:"Please God let my car start" part X cont

Well with the way it was snowing on top at the Big Burn quad it was no wonder the mtn was so empty. Visibility was schit. But the snow was just coming down. And when the snow is coming down like this it chases all of the lower intermediate to beginners away from the Big Burn. Most head to the Elk Camp area of Snowmass for better visibility.

But like I said it was puking. Nobody was there. We got to hit all of Big Burn while it was basically empty. Dallas Freeway was killer. Dallas's lower face is a steep pitch that you can just gas it on, but beware of the compression gulch at the very bottom. If you hit that fast on a snowy day it can launch you to the moon and the landing is going to hurt. I promise!

But then there is Powerline. You just get off of the chair and litterly follow the power lines down the mtn. It comes down into roller coaster glades with some wicked ass hits at the very bottom. There are some tight pucker spots in the trees, but you just have to trust yourself to keep the gas on going through them. I heard nothing but "yee haa's" and "awesome" coming out of everyones mouths. When we finally managed to breath with all the snow hitting our faces. Everybody stayed together. Like I said we were all on the same page that day. It was epic and it was going to get better.

After our fourth run. Gage was trying to catch his breath, secretly so were the rest of us, but nobody would dare show it. So I suggested a Joint session in the trees. Yes all benefited. But Gage was smoking a Marlboro at the same time.


Clay: Man it is no wonder you are winded if you smoke.

Gage: Well it sure couldn't hurt me any worse right now.

Clay: You do know that when they open up the Wall we will have to hike about 20 minutes.

And with that Gage turned positively green and spewed stew. His nerves had gotten the best of him. He blew cornflakes, bananas, strawberries and 3 cups of coffee all over the snow. It looked like a bear had a bad case of the runs. It was nasty. But Gage felt better. Goody for him because now all of us wanted to spew stew. Boy doesn't reading this part make you want to go brush your teeth all of the sudden?

Well after we moved down about 20 yards to finish smoking the joint. We put a roach clip on it before it got passed to Gage again by the way. Even though Gage gargled with a snort of Georges whiskey I didn't feel like tasting his strawberries. So we all got our breath. Drank some water or whatever George brought. But then we heard it in succession. boom boom boom boom boom


George: Take ye cover women and children. Dar be war a cum in.

Steph: Look out George is stoned. He is playing Pirate again.

Truth be told George did look like a pirate. A "Hickabob Crane" looking pirate. George was 6'5" and maybe weighed 150lbs with a nose pigeons could rest on. And he had this very deep voice. I told him he should go out to hollyweird and become a character actor. He would get tons of work on sitcoms, horror movies, and comedies just because of his looks and voice alone. Well anyway George was doing his pirate deal. Clay was getting ancy to go as was I. Finally Adam spoke up and we all just took off.

Adam: Well everybody is just happy aren't we. Those bombs were over by the Wall. I suggest we head to the High Alpine chair and hit that area until the gate opens.

And with that we were off. I told Gage to stay with me. We were hitting Garrets Gulch down to the Alpine Springs chair for the ride up to the High Alpine chair. Now Garrets is a wide open tree line you can just gas it and go. Steady pitch all the way down, but gets tight and bumpy at the bottom. Still it's one of the funnest runs there.

So we get to the Alpine Springs chair and all get their butts loaded. Back then the "Alpine Springs" was a double chair slow ride from hell. That is why those runs didn't get skied out to often off of that chair. Now there is a high speed quad and it is a New York traffic nightmare on those runs. Well we unloaded and were quickly disappointed that the High Alpine lift wasn't running. Luckily Breck knew the lifty at the bottom.

Breck: Hey Duane. When you opening?

Duane: Should be in about an hour and a half maybe. I guess it is pretty wind loaded up there. Patrol should be coming down soon.

Me: What's the snow total amount up there?

Duane: 23" since last night.

Adam: Is the Cirque going to open?

Duane: I don't know. Doubt it though

So we did two runs down Naked Lady and Lodgepole We decided to go into Gwyn's Alpine Lodge (Now called Gordon's) to dry out, get some food, and then hopefully the Wall will open.


Gage: TJ. I don't think I can ski much more. My legs are toast.

Me: Here drink a bunch of gator aid and eat 3 tumms. Gage you do not want to miss this. It really isn't hard at all, but if you don't go with us you will be kicking yourself in the ass forever.

Finally we heard the call. They were opening it. The dash was on. We got chairs 2-6. When we get off it is a mad dash towards Roberto's and dropping the eye. The eye was a cornice entrance but if you stayed skiers left what looked like it cliffed out didn't really. This was where the goods were. You could air it out and land really safely. We all went. Gage was first and did really well except for a few very ugly step turns. Clay did his usual backstratcher off of cornice right. Everybody else just dove in and made turns. I went skiers left. I was feeling pretty roosterish and wanted to show off in front of little brother. So I got more speed than what I should have. I hit the lip and launched. OH SCHIT!

to be cont

"ASPEN: "Please God let my car start" part X cont

Now I bet you all are thinking I was toast. So did I. You see from above that lip that slope looked like it was nothing. But when I hit it. I gave it all I got and launched. And guess what there was a cliff at the bottom as well. Ooops!! It just looked like it was one solid slope going down all white, fluffy, and pretty from all the falling snow. It wasn't pretty at all. The bottom was a good 20' cliff then it was slope again. Now add another 30' or so from the top of the lip where I launched off of down to where the cliff started. I was doing my first 50 footer. oh schit indeed!

Frankly when I was in the air doing my spread eagle I thought I was dead. Allot of schit was going through my mind. Then a little voice came into my head. It was from one of the Black hat instructors at Airborne training: Think ragdoll and get completely relaxed. Feet and knees together. Elbows in at your sides. Exhale when you hit.

What do you know that training does stay with you forever. I did just what my training told me to do. I relaxed and kept my body parts together. I landed. I exhaled. I became a bomb hole. A big bomb hole. I just kept thinking to push up because I couldn't see any light. Then I saw light. I stood up and took a very deep breath. The kind of breath a baby first takes when it is born. Deep, desperate, and life giving. Surely a scream must follow.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My God what have I just done. I looked back up and it was huge. Absolutely fukking huge I tell you. How did I fukking survive that? How did I land that? Well I landed softly because of a schitload of powder snow for one, but I did stick the landing in skiing standards anyway. That being it wasn't a big wipeout landing and I'm skiing away. Don't ask me how I did this. Because I promise you this. I bet if I was hitting that lip to cliff drop again knowing that I was going to intentionally do it. Forget about it. I would crash, burn, and then be hospitalized 10 out of 10 times. I got lucky pure and simple. To everybody else I was a ski stud beyond belief. Me I was just hoping I could keep from spewing stew after it all sunk in.


George: damn Teej that was the most incredible skiing I've ever seen.

Clay: Wow TJ I'm just glad I got to see that. Nobody does that.

Gage: Hey that was my big brother that did that.

Me: Guys I had no fukking idea that was there. I just thought I would get alittle air on and then an easy hip check turn. I don't know how I did that. I don't and please don't ask me to go up there and do it again. Because I will not. George I need some some of your booze buddy.

George: Dar maty, here u bee

I think I drank about half of what was in George's flask. Good God I was still shaking. I felt like my car had just gotten destroyed by a semi and I got thrown free of the wreckage without a scratch on me. Better to be lucky than dead I guess. But I skied like schit for a bit afterwards until the butterflies left my stomach.

We worked our way down skiers left to the Hanging Valley Glades. Man they were sweet. Knee deep powder trees on a steep pitch is skiing nirvana as far as I am concerned. Nice pillow rocks intertwined in the terrain. I've always loved those trees. In fact most powder skiing dreams I have are of skiing deep powder in those trees.

Well we skied down to the Turkey Trot trail to start heading back up to turn another lap on the wall. I found myself skiing carefully all of the sudden and tight. Then my little voice kicked back in and told me to relax. And I did. The gas got turned back on. Vaaaaaarrrrrrroooooooooooommmmmmmmm.

So back up we go for another lap. The headwall had opened up and that is where we were heading as soon as we unloaded off of the High Alpine chair. There was about 15 people in front of us. Most left for Roberto's. The headwall wasn't that bad. Maybe 10feet at that time. We just hit it at an angle just to be on the safe side in case of avalanches even though patrol bombed it good. You can never be to careful. And I'm glad we were. SWOOSH

Breck was bringing up the rear and set off a small slab on his first turn after landing. It was scary for sure. What was scarier is that not 5 turns later Clay set off a small one too. And this area isn't too avi prone because it gets skied all of the time, but it is early in the season so the snow pack isn't too settled yet. We better boogie oogie out of here. So we did disco'd out of there most quickly. We stayed high and worked our way down to the Sandy Park trail. George notified Patrol that we set off the slides and that we were all accounted for. They closed Hanging Valley after that. damn!!!

Well we ended the rest of the day doing two runs in the trees off of Sandy's. Then we rode the Elk Camp chair up one more time to take one of the slots down to Clays truck. You have to hike up a bit skiers right on top of the ridge at Elk Camp. There is a trail called "Long Shot" there now. But that is not what we took. And sorry I can't tell you what stash we took either. But it was pristine powder skiing. We had to stay close together because it was snowing like hell and only Clay and George knew where we were going very well. It was only last week when Clay and George showed this stash to me. I was just playing follow the leader. And in knee deep pow that is my favorite game.

Well we got to the rendezvous area. We all drank some water and whatever George had left. Smoked some wacky tobacky and chatted for awhile. That is when Stephanie said the most amazing thing all day.

Steph: Umm George where is Clays truck?

to be cont

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part X cont


Clay: Yes George where is my truck.

George: Well I parked it right in that field parking area right over there like always. I wonder if that rancher had it towed.

Breck: Man Sandy would never tow anybody's car. He lets us park there all of the time. He's cool. He's a skier.

Steph: Well then it got stolen then.

George: No offense Clay but your truck is a piece of schit man. I don't think anybody would steal it.

I had noticed Clay wasn't saying much. If my car/truck had been stolen I would be saying allot. Running to a phone to call the Sheriff most rikki tik is what I would be doing. But Clay still just didn't say anything. And Steph kept doing the stolen truck bit to the hilt. I smelled something foul in the air.


Me: Well I will tell you what I think. I think clever Stephanie here had Clay move the truck with his spare key

Steph froze. Unable to move her jaw, which was actually a relief considering that it was moving so much, and so fast before. Clay just got really red faced and started laughing. [b][i]BUSTED![/i][/b]


Clay: Yes we followed you guys and as soon as George dropped the truck off I took my spare keys and moved it behind that metal barn on the other side of hill.

Breck: Not the big metal barn with the backhoes and other machinery?

Clay: Yes why?

Breck: Well everybody put your thumb out we will be walking a bit. That is SkiCo property. And they will tow you for parking there. It happened to me first year here. Funny fukking joke Clay.

Clay: Sorry guys. Well hell it might not be towed. Let's at least go look. I bet it is still there.

Luckily the truck was still there. Our spirits were raised very briefly until we discoverd instead of towing the truck they put a "tire boot" on it so it couldn't be driven. Nice $50 ticket under the wiper blade too. Ticket said to call this one number and a person would be out to unlock the tire boot and collect the fine. One huge problem. Cell phones weren't really out yet and there wasn't a phone for 5 miles. So I'm thinking.

We have basically one choice. Walk all the way down the road to a house to use their phone, then turn around and walk back in ski boots to make matters worse. We can't really hope to be picked up hitch hiking since nobody really drives this road after 3pm. Then a wicked idea hit me. A very wicked idea hit me.


Me: Breck doesn't this road leading back to Snowmass crest over about a 1/2 mile up. It should be nothing but a downward decent all the way to the cross country trails next to the Snowmass Golf course?

Breck: Yes this road does exactly that.

Me: How much snow would you say this elevation has received in the last 24hrs.

Breck: Hell about a foot to a foot and a half.

Me: In the last 5 days?

Breck: Triple that. Oh I get it. Ya the coverage would be enough to do it. We could follow the right ridge all the way down.

Me: Yep and then hit the cross country trails and glide all the way to the Rodeo lot.

Gage: What are you guys talking about?

Clay: We are going to ski another run.

Gage: How can we? We are out of mountain.

Me: No we're not. Actually I bet we are getting a first decent. We just need to get to the cross country trails before anybody sees us and while some light is left.

So we disco'd out of there most quickly. We got to the ridge and put our skis back on. The snow was a bit heavier than on top which was good in case we hit thin spots. This way the rocks would be covered and the small bush snakes that can snag you would stay down. But it seemed bottomless heavy snow the entire way down. Very gentle beginner type grade slope to ski even. Some spots you didn't even turn. All you did was point them and let them fly.

After about 90 minutes we worked our way to the cross country course that went around the golf course. It was pitch black. There were a few people out. We were exhausted. Seriously exhausted. Ended up doing allot of poling and skating. Finally at 6:30pm we made it to the Rodeo parking lot. Steph took Clay and George to take care of the Truck. I took Adam and Breck home after taking their gear back to the ski instructors lockerroom. Gage and I finally got home at 8pm. My Mom was alittle upset.


Mom: So what happened. I guess no going out to dinner tonight.

Me: Sorry Mom. What was meant as a cute practical joke turned out to be a life lesson. We ended up skiing, skating, hiking about 2 hours because Clay thought it would be cute to move his truck that George was driving after George stash parked it for our last ski run of the day.

Mom: Wanna speak English to me.

Me: Clay moved the truck to trick us all. Clay parked the truck in private parking and it got "tire booted" by a towing company. We ending up having to trek a long ways back to my car to take care of it. It took two hours.

Gage: Yes and I cannot move and I'm not going to move. I'm so tired.

Mom: So you had fun then.

Gage: Mom it was the most incredible day of skiing I've ever had in my life. I skied snow up to my chest on really expert stuff. TJ went over this 100' cliff and landed. And I didn't think I could ever ski that stuff.

Mom: Oh my God. TJ you did what?

Me: Mom it was like 10'. And it was allot of snow to land in. Seriously it was nothing. You know me I don't do stupid things.

Mom: That depends upon who deems what is stupid and what isn't. To you nothing is stupid. Your the kid that jumped off of the roof onto his "Bozo the Clown" punching bag at 5 years old and broke his leg.

Me: Mom I just sprain my ankle bad that was all. And I had Dad's golf umbrella too. And why even bring that up.

Mom: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. TJ promise me that you will rethink your limits. Haven't you gotten enough broken bones and stitches to know better by now. You just got out of the hospital with a concussion. Think alittle bit please.

Me: Mom you are right. I was careless. I will be better prepared.

And with that I took my mom to dinner at the MotherLoad restaurant. She had the Duck. I had humble pie with a 3 beer chaser. Why 3 beers because my mother took me through my entire medical life history during her "Coming to God" speech. I was just looking past her and out the window during her verbal motherload at the "MotherLoad". It was snowing again and tomorrow we be skiing Ajax. A mountain on powder days that skiers fall in love with and forever wish to return too or dream about. Walsh's and Christies should be killer trails to rip it up tomorrow. I'll have to check with Howie and ask how the "Mine Dumps" were today before heading up in the morning for a better scouting report.

I continued on daydreaming about what a great day we had just had, and about how tomorrow will be even better. I thought about how well my brother did and how pleaseed I was to see him so stoked about his day. Then reality set in. I heard my mothers stern high pitched voice coming out which meant the end of her speech without taking a breath was over.

Mom: And you even wore leg braces for a year and half as a boy. TJ you have to be more careful.

Me: Yes mom I will. hehehe.

Mom: Just what are you laughing about.

Me: It's snowing out.

Mom: You didn't hear a damn word I said did you.

Me: No Mom I didn't. It's SNOWING outside

to be cont


**NOTE** I did have to wear full leg braces like Gump did from the ages of 3 to alittle over 4. That is when I buried them in our next door neighbors sand pit because I kept being tagged "IT" when playing tag all of the time because I was slow from the braces. After I buried them nobody could catch me.

"ASPEN: Please God let my car start" part X cont

Well my head hit the pillow hard when I got home. Infact all I remember is saying goodnight and hitting the mattress. I dreamed the same dream all night long. Skiing through the trees while it was just dumping. And when I woke up it was still dumping outside. And dumping, and dumping, and dumping.

We all got dressed and headed to breakfast. I was taking them to the "Hickory House" restaurant. The "HH" is a must visit for eats when you get to Aspen. My favorite is making my own omelet. I order it like this.

me: Yes I will take the "make your own omelet". And everything that is on the list put it in it". That being bacon, Monterey Jack cheese, chix, onion, mushrooms, red pepper, green pepper, potato, chili's with a side of sour cream and salsa.

Now tell me you are not hungry for that right now. Your hot omelet coming out with sides of sausage, home fries, fresh buttermilk biscuits, with gobs of real butter and honey. Yum yum yummy that is good eaten. Well I got my usual. Gage and mom went with the Buckwheat pancakes and fresh blueberries. We sat there enjoying our breakfast, while watching everybody walking in knocking the snow off of themselves. I was just grinning, and so was Gage. My Mom couldn't understand why we had to get up so early, and was still bugging us about it over breakfast.


Mom: I still don't see why you have to be up this early. It isn't even 7am yet.

Me: Well you want to shop in Glenwood Springs today so you need to drop us off at the mountain so you can keep the car.

Mom: TJ you live 3 blocks from Aspen Mountain. You can walk there.

Me: True but this certainly beats eating cereal and then having to walk 3 blocks to the Gondola.

Gage: Amen there big brother. My body is hurting and I'm just starving. Besides Mom you get to have the car, while we have to walk back later. And I'm buying breakfast for everybody by the way.

Me: damn. I knew I should have ordered the steak too! Thanks Gage.

Well we got done eating and Mom drove us to the mtn. We got done early so I had Mom take us to 1A to see if we can catch the early ride up with the Ruthie's workers and Ski Patrol. We were lucky they hadn't gone up yet because the top operator was till clearing snow off of the bull wheel. Ed and Tim informed us it was no problem to head on up. So we headed on up into the "Whiteroom".

Now if you have never ridden chair 1A on Ajax it is an old slow double Riblet chair and I love it. On the front face going up it seems almost vertical in spots by the "Corkscrewvalley" trails. They are really steep bump runs and they can get huge. We past them going up up and up. I showed Gage the lip you could get air off of on the "Lift 1A" trail, and to not take the bottom one because you have to make a 90 degree left turn right away and nobody ever makes it. It is one big crash and burn. I found that out personally one day. So we were approaching the top to unload and I noticed Larry was replacing me as the top operator today.

Larry is a "Piece of Schit" big time. He is a 5'6" thin headed, toothless, chubby little idiot. The guy accidentally shot his 45 caliber hand gun in his "Red Roof Inn" employee housing one night. He just missed shooting his roommate Hugh's head by 2 inches. Like I said he is an idiot. And each time he runs my lift he leaves it in an absolute mess. Don't even get me started on what he pulled there later in the year. His little stunt would turn into a book for sure. And he comes up with the lamest remarks for his trash talking. I bet he spends hours thinking them up, and ways to say them. I was right of course.


Larry: TJ. Who is your boyfriend there?

Me: Oh oh oh oh oh oh my God you are so funny. You should be on "Star Search". I heard that they were having a new category called "Carnival Side Show Acts". I bet you could win. But then again you would have to bite the head off of chickens and you need teeth to do that. So you wouldn't make it anyway. So sorry, but it looks like you have lots of shoveling to do. Have a great day. Bye

With that comment leaving Larry in a mind stupor we pushed off and skied away into Ajax heaven. I imagined Larry coming back with a comment about 30 seconds after we had left. Speaking his wit to nobody but the bull wheel turning above his head. Still makes me chuckle when I think about it.

Frankly I couldn't believe how lucky we were with all of this snow. It was just amazing. But man our legs, hell our entire body was stiff. Our first ski run was just ugly as we were trying to get some form of skiing rhythm going. I felt like I was skiing like the "tin man" instead of TJ. I think we each wiped out a half a dozen times going back down to the bottom of 1A. There was just so much snow. We were forced to stay on really steep terrain because in anything flatter you just stalled dead in your tracks. But who cared. It was another powder day in OZ. We got back to the base of 1A and Ed was just laughing at us.


Ed: You two look like Mr. and Mrs. Frostythesnowman. Must be pretty deep up there.

Gage: It is just incredible. I could hardly see from the snow going over my head.

Me: Man Ed this storm is crazy. This month is crazy.

Ed: Yes they say we are going to get another 8-12" out of this one today. You guys will ski down and then go back up and your tracks will be covered up all day long

And our tracks were covered up each and every run. Visibility was nasty. But on Ajax when it is storming really bad it is the place you want to be if your skiing the mountains around Aspen. With Ajax trails the visability is better because you can tell pitch and depth because of all the trees that line each trail. Furthermore, there is really no high alpine type skiing on Ajax. So we continued doing laps on lower Ruthie's and Strawpile until Ruthie's Chair 8 opened up to the top.

Then chair 8 opened up and the rest of the mtn too. Half way up chair 8 we could hear Patrol dropping the avi bombs down the ridge line. Those avi charges still freaked Gage out a bit. He was grabbing onto the chair bar so tight that I thought I could see his figure prints on the metal itself. To be honest it made me jump a bit too. It does everybody.

So we unload and took the "Tourtelotte Park" trail down to chair 3 "Ajax Express". The snow was even deeper. I told Gage about the cat track that was down below and how you could launch off of it. The landing was a good decline pitch, and with the snow being so deep who friggen cared if you wiped out or not.

So we hit it. Gage went first incase he crashed and burned. This way I could help him get his skis. He did the ugliest daffy I've ever seen in my life. And sure enough he wiped out. Just lost one ski however, and it was right next to him. I on the other hand had another evil idea. A very very evil idea.

I decided not to hit the lip but to come around and spray my little brother. It was a perfect opportunity to get him good. And he would be gotten very very good. With all of the snow covering him already, and all of the snow on the slope I bet I could completely bury him. And I did.


Me: beep beep beep. snowbug snowbug snowbug

Gage: No no. Wait don't do it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

SWOOOOOSSSSHHHHHH

He was covered good. He could not be seen at all under all of that snow. He just looked like another rock covered snow pillow. Then he did the shaggy dog shake and became human form again. We laughed like kids. We did the snow bug routine to each other so many times growing up at Mt Brighton it wasn't even funny. Now we were doing it in Aspen over Christmas. PERFECT.

Gage: You know what pay backs are right.

Me: Yah. And what makes you think you are going to get the chance to pay me back today.

Gage: Who said anything about today.

Me: Ooh you have learned well young grasshopper, but master will always be one step ahead of lazy dog

And with that we headed to Kristie's and skiing nirvana. The day was perfect, and perfect powder turns is what we were seeking. The mtn was completely empty because it was snowing that hard. Slight wind but it wasn't really that bad. Besides the 10th mtn shell I was wearing had frozen so it stopped the wind from coming through anyway.

At the bottom of Kristie's on Gentleman's Ridge way we ran into Cheri, Jeff, and Jerry. Took a break, and then ran into more friends. We had 7 people total in our group. Funny how epic days bring out your best friends to share it with you.

to be cont

Well there is alot more to follow. Tell me what you think.